Jokes of the day for Friday, 05 February 2010

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 05 February 2010
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Be prepared for Christmas, check out our latest Christmas jokes and quotes on: Christmas jokes collectionThe Best Christmas jokes

Substitute for Women

A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women."
"Yeah what happened?" asked the other.
The first guy replies, "Well, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
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Rating: 2.7/10 (3)

Judi was walking by the jewelr...

Judi was walking by the jewelry store one day in the midtown mall. She saw a diamond bracelet that she really liked. In the store she went.

"Excuse me," she said to the sales lady behind the counter, "Will a small deposit hold that bracelet until my husband does something unforgivable?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
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Rating: 5.0/10 (3)

Funny video of the day - Funny video of the day Friday, 05 February 2010

Funny video of the day Friday, 05 February 2010 - link to page video is posted initially.
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Guest for Dinner #joke #humor

The following is a true story.

There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.

Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
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Rating: 5.8/10 (4)

French humour is so Sarkozstic...

French humour is so Sarkozstic
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
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Rating: 5.6/10 (7)

Funny Photo of the day - Emower Gets A Jaunty Paint Job For Extra Humiliation

Emower Gets A Jaunty Paint Job For Extra Humiliation | Source : There I fixed it - photos of ur handiwork!
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A defendant was asked if he wa...

A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. “Jury trial,” the defendant replied. “Do you understand the difference?” asked the judge. “Sure,” replied the defendant. “That’s where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one.”
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
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Rating: 6.6/10 (5)

Three blondes were taking a wa...

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks.
The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"
The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"
They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.
#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Jokes of The day - Used to be - Australian Joke of the day - site changed purpose and no longer serves jokes
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Calculate the number 205

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 205 using numbers [6, 9, 1, 5, 19, 156] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

9 Months Later!

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do youremember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, err, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you? you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
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Rating: 4.5/10 (6)

Mozart Beyond the Grave

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
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Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

A female TV reporter from RTE ...

A female TV reporter from RTE went to interview Seamus Feeney, a farmer from Galway, about Mad Cow disease.

Herself: Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the reasons behind Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason?

Seamus stared at the reporter and said, "Do you know that the bull rides that cow once a year?

The Lady (getting embarrassed): "Well sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease"?

Seamus: Well now Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day?

The Lady: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?

The Farmer: I'm getting to the point Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits four times a day and only riding you once a year, wouldn't you get mad yourself?
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
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Rating: 6.4/10 (7)

Drunk on a bus

A drunk gets on a transit bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in his pocket for change, drives off. As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus. The bus stops at the next stop. He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus. Still the man is fumbling in his pockets for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus. Next stop, the same thing happens. Every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back. A few stops later the drunk exits the the bus from the front.

"Hey", shouts the bus driver... "You didn't pay your fare yet!"

The drunk, reeling, shouts back "And I'm not going to!..... I walked all the way!"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
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Rating: 5.5/10 (4)

$$$$

Are you interested in making $$$$ fast? Here's an incredibly simple way to do it and there is nothing to buy, no investment to make, no money to lose!

TRY it now!

Follow this simple procedure:

1. Open a new text or word document.

2. Hold down the shift key.

3. Hit the 4 key four times.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by calamjo

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
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Zombie Booty Call... Eyes

I only have eyes for you. Glowing grey, milky, dead eyes.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.40/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (5)

Bumper Stickers 15


On the other hand, you have different fingers.
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"I souport publik edekasion"
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
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Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

A sister and brother are talki...

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."
The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"
The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 November 2009
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Rating: 5.9/10 (55)

There were four men, one from ...

There were four men, one from China, Greenland, America and one
from Australia.
One night they were bragging on how good their country are. The
Chinese said, "my country is the best cause we have the great
wall."
The Greenlander said, "no, mine is the best as we have the
greenest greenest grass."
The American said, "no, mine is the best as we have our flag 50
stars and 50 stripes."
The Australian said, "no, mine is the greatest country as we
have the kangaroo which will jump over the great wall, shit on
the greenest greenest grass and wipe its ass on the American
flag."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 February 2009
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Rating: 2.7/10 (38)

Angry Witch

Q. What do you call an angry Witch?
A. Ribbit

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 February 2009
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Rating: 3.4/10 (35)

An old man goes to the Wizard ...

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 February 2009
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Son of a lawyer

While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Joshua.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

#joke #doctor #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 February 2009
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Mixing Politics and Religion

The last time politics was mixed with religion, people were

burned at the stake.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 February 2009
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