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Jokes of the day
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Jokes of the day for Monday, Feb the 8th 2010
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Contraceptive98 |
| News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft
Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every
aspect of American life with the introduction of
Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users
who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in
peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play.
It believes these technologies will give it substantial
leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.The
product addresses two important user concerns: the need for
virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the
non-propagation of human beings.
The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products:
Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from
Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0
is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two
expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the
Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual
services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a
package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo
niches.
While Contraceptive98 does not address nontraditional
copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next
year.
OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs
to install the package.
At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum
hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product
installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most
requirements. After installation, operation commences. One
caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete
the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is
initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to
turn off your partner.
DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures
were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection
Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions
had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated.
The product needs to be installed each time its used.
CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its
drawbacks, it is reasonably good value for its \$49.95 price
tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully,
future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing
functionality, such as Backout and Restore, uninterruptible
Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.
Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about "Our
contraceptive products will help users do to each other what
we've been doing to our customers for years." |
Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 3.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Husband 1.0 |
Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1.0 to Husband 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications.
She is now noticing that Husband 1.0 is also spawning Child Processors which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed her that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Husband 1.0 installs itself such, that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. She's finding that some applications such as SpendingSpree 2.4, GirlsNight 3.5 and CocktailNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
During installation, Husband 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 5.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features she'd like to see in the upcoming Husband 2.0 include:
1. A "Yes I'll cook, clean etc." button.
2. An install shield feature that allows Husband 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
I myself decided to avoid the headache associated with Husband 1.0 by sticking with BoyFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install BoyFriend 2.0 on top of BoyFriend 1.0; each program begins damaging the other. You must uninstall BoyFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should have known about. You'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now! To make matters worse, the uninstall program for BoyFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another thing--all versions of BoyFriend 1.0 continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Husband 1.0.
Bug Warning
Husband 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Lover 1.1 before uninstalling Husband 1.0, Husband 1.0 will delete MS Clothing allowance files, before doing the uninstall himself.
More applications that won't run with Husband 1.0 include Chippendale 2.0, Netballwatching 3.5, Suremoreshoes 6.0, and Cleanup 4.3.
Applications that run very well with Husband 1.0, however, include Bummingaround 1.0, Pubnight 2.3, Golfing 2.7, Pokernight 5.3, and Wanderingeyes 4.9.
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Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 2.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Microsoft and a lightbulb |
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb ?
None - Bill Gates just declares darkness the new standard! |
Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 1.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
Little Johnny was asked by his teacher to spell "straight," little Johnny did so without error.
"Bravo," said the teacher, "now, what does it mean?"
"Without water in it." |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 4.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Lost in the Service
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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny standing in the foyer of the church, looking at a large plaque that hung there. After the young man of seven had stood there for some time, the pastor walked up beside him and said quietly,
"Good morning, son."
"Good morning, Pastor," replied the youngster, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Can I ask you, Sir, what is this for? Why are all these names listed on here?"
"Well, son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together, staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, Sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?" |
Permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 4.7/10 (3 votes cast) |
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Kids Marriage Advice |
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like
sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10 --
( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who
they're going to marry. God decides it all way before,
and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10 --
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know
the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10 --
( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be
a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use
them to get to know each other. Even boys have
something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other
lies and that usually gets them interested enough to
go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10 (wise beyond his years)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE
THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would
call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about
me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich
-- Pam, age 7
( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I
wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone,
then you should marry them and have kids with them.
It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8 (this one has very good morals!)
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you
one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I
don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8
( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for
boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT
IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain,
wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty,
even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
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Permalink | Source : jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
Rating: 6.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
| A daughter sent a telegram to her father on passing her B.Ed exams, which the father received as "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED." |
Permalink | Source : Australia, India, Sri Lanka - Australian Joke of the day
Rating: 4.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
Sergeant (to new recruit): What were you before you joined the army?
New Recruit: Happy, Sergeant.
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Permalink | Source : A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
Rating: 8.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
The first woman recruit in the Army reported for duty and was told that although her quarters would be in a separate building, she was to mess with the men.
It wasn't until four weeks later someone finally told her that meant to eat her meals with them.
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Permalink | Source : Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
| I got a hot new inking done of a beverage container, but I didn’t like it. I had to go back to the parlor to have the Thermos tat adjusted. |
Permalink | Source : Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
Rating: 7.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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Compare Other Professionals To Engineers When Choosing A Mate |
=> DOCTORS
Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he'll ever meet another woman in his profession.
=> LAWYER
Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.
=> SALESMAN
See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.
=> HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC.
Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask "Honey, were you looking at her?", he'll honestly be able to say that he didn't even see her.
=> TEACHER
The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He'll be in jail soon, and then you'll have to look for another man. |
Permalink | Source : Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
Rating: 6.0/10 (3 votes cast) |
A lady is walking down the street to work and see's a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager appologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "hey lady."
She paused and said," yes?"
The bird said, "you know."
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Permalink | Source : Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
Rating: 3.1/10 (7 votes cast) |
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Couple Getting Into FIghts #humor #joke |
They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other.
Instead, they were giving each other written notes.
One evening he gave her a paper where it said:
"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."
The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.
Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:
"Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"
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Permalink | Source : Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
Rating: 4.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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