Jokes of the day for Monday, 08 February 2010

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 08 February 2010
  • Currently 9.63/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (73)

Happy New Year 2021!! Happy New Year 2021

Tell Me Everything

Tell me everything you know...I have a few seconds to waste.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

Baby From Surrogate Mother

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs. m"Isn't it wonderful?" Brad exclaims. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."
The nurse says, "He's happy now, ... but just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass."
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 5.57/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (7)

Funny video of the day - Funny video of the day Monday, 08 February 2010

Funny video of the day Monday, 08 February 2010 - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 2.60/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (10)

An elderly lady from a remote ...

An elderly lady from a remote little town went to one of Philadelphia's most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and husband. Nearby was a very well known golf course.

On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for a stroll. Upon her return, the young niece asked, "Well, Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?"

"Oh, yes, indeed," said Auntie, beaming.

"Before I had walked very far," she continued, "I came to some beautiful rolling fields. There seemed to be a number of people about, mostly men. Some of them kept shouting at me in a very eccentric manner, but I took no notice. There were four men who followed me for some time, uttering curious excited barking sounds. Naturally, I ignored them, too.

"Oh, by the way," she added, as she held out her hands, "I found a number of these curious little round white balls, so I picked them all up and brought them home hoping you could explain what they're for."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (5)

Couple Getting Into FIghts #humor #joke

They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other.

Instead, they were giving each other written notes.

One evening he gave her a paper where it said:

"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."

The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.

Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:

"Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Funny Photo of the day - Tyrell Suburbs

Tyrell Suburbs | Source : Jokes photos - Used to be - WTF Pictures and WTF videos - but site no longer exists
  • Currently 2.17/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (6)

I got a hot new inking done of...

I got a hot new inking done of a beverage container, but I didn't like it. I had to go back to the parlor to have the Thermos tat adjusted.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (3)

Sergeant (to new recruit): Wha...

Sergeant (to new recruit): What were you before you joined the army?
New Recruit: Happy, Sergeant.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

What hides this stereogram?

Stereogram - 3D Image
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

A daughter sent a telegram to ...

A daughter sent a telegram to her father on passing her B.Ed exams, which the father received as "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The day - Used to be - Australian Joke of the day - site changed purpose and no longer serves jokes
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Kids Marriage Advice

( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10 --
( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10 --
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10 --
( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure) ( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10 (wise beyond his years)
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich
-- Pam, age 7
( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8 (this one has very good morals!)
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8
( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (4)

Little Johnny was asked by his...

Little Johnny was asked by his teacher to spell "straight," little Johnny did so without error.

"Bravo," said the teacher, "now, what does it mean?"

"Without water in it."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (4)

Microsoft and a lightbulb

How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb ?

None - Bill Gates just declares darkness the new standard!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Husband 1.0


Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1.0 to Husband 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications.
She is now noticing that Husband 1.0 is also spawning Child Processors which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed her that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Husband 1.0 installs itself such, that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. She's finding that some applications such as SpendingSpree 2.4, GirlsNight 3.5 and CocktailNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
During installation, Husband 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 5.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
Some features she'd like to see in the upcoming Husband 2.0 include:
1. A "Yes I'll cook, clean etc." button.
2. An install shield feature that allows Husband 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
I myself decided to avoid the headache associated with Husband 1.0 by sticking with BoyFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install BoyFriend 2.0 on top of BoyFriend 1.0; each program begins damaging the other. You must uninstall BoyFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should have known about. You'd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now! To make matters worse, the uninstall program for BoyFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.
Another thing--all versions of BoyFriend 1.0 continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Husband 1.0.
Bug Warning
Husband 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Lover 1.1 before uninstalling Husband 1.0, Husband 1.0 will delete MS Clothing allowance files, before doing the uninstall himself.
More applications that won't run with Husband 1.0 include Chippendale 2.0, Netballwatching 3.5, Suremoreshoes 6.0, and Cleanup 4.3.
Applications that run very well with Husband 1.0, however, include Bummingaround 1.0, Pubnight 2.3, Golfing 2.7, Pokernight 5.3, and Wanderingeyes 4.9.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.45/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (20)

Contraceptive98

News just in of Microsoft's latest venture: Microsoft

Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every

aspect of American life with the introduction of

Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users

who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in

peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play.

It believes these technologies will give it substantial

leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.The

product addresses two important user concerns: the need for

virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the

non-propagation of human beings.

The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products:

Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from

Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0

is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two

expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the

Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual

services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a

package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo

niches.

While Contraceptive98 does not address nontraditional

copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next

year.

OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs

to install the package.

At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum

hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product

installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most

requirements. After installation, operation commences. One

caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete

the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is

initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to

turn off your partner.

DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures

were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection

Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions

had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated.

The product needs to be installed each time its used.

CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its

drawbacks, it is reasonably good value for its $49.95 price

tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully,

future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing

functionality, such as Backout and Restore, uninterruptible

Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.

Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about "Our

contraceptive products will help users do to each other what

we've been doing to our customers for years."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (7)

A lady is walking down the str...

A lady is walking down the street to work and see's a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager appologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "hey lady."
She paused and said," yes?"
The bird said, "you know."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 14 November 2009
  • Currently 6.10/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (58)

Lost in the Service

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny standing in the foyer of the church, looking at a large plaque that hung there. After the young man of seven had stood there for some time, the pastor walked up beside him and said quietly,
"Good morning, son."
"Good morning, Pastor," replied the youngster, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Can I ask you, Sir, what is this for? Why are all these names listed on here?"
"Well, son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together, staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, Sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 25 February 2009
  • Currently 5.35/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (17)

A first-grade teacher was havi...

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Little Johnny what is your problem?"

Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough.

She took Little Johnny to the principal's office.

While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Little Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Little Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Little Johnny both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Little Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Little Johnny replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Little Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Little Johnny: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Little Johnny was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Little Johnny: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Little Johnny: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Little Johnny: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Little Johnny: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Little Johnny: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Little Johnny: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Little Johnny: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Little Johnny: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Little Johnny in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 08 February 2009
  • Currently 8.12/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (41)

Flea for Your Life

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his life and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.”
His son asked, “But what happened to the flea?”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 08 February 2009
  • Currently 5.86/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (7)

A woman goes into a sporting g...

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 08 February 2009
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (7)

Oh The Internet Is Slow


The Net is Slow
Oh, the network outside is frightful,
But on campus, it's so delightful,
Our packets have nowhere to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.
It doesn't show signs of stopping,
All our packets, our hosts are dropping;
Bandwidth is turned way down low,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.
When we finally connect to a site,
It's time to go back to the dorm;
But if I could stay here all night,
I could submit their Web form.
The network is slowly dying,
And, I fear, we're still denying,
But as long as Sprint is the way to go,
Net is slow, net is slow, net is slow.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 08 February 2009
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (5)

I've used up all my sick days,...

I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 08 February 2009
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

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