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Jokes of the day
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Jokes of the day - daily portion of jokes. New jokes every day. Joke of the day archive is updated every day. Funny photo is updated daily. Funny video is updated daily. Links to great joke archives. Big archive of old jokes of the day, top rated jokes of the day. Jokes of the day are updated daily, bringing updated jokes. Rate jokes of the day.
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Jokes of the day for Thursday, Feb the 11th 2010
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NOTE:
Last couple of days issue was noticed with funny video and funny image representation
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check funny videos and funny photos you have missed due to issue, using << Previous 'jokes of the day' link.
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Hart-Break |
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Funny photo of the day Permalink | Source : There I fixed it - photos of ur handiwork!
Rating: 1.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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A Cat, A Plant, and Sea Monkeys |
| What do a cat, plant, and sea monkeys have in common? All three have endured tragic deaths of neglect at my apathetic hands! |
Permalink | Source : Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
Rating: 4.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Tear to your eyes |
| What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
A piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye!
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis and Tantilazing |
Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 1.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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Answering Machine Message 30 |
Due to the large number of complaints regarding the length of our previous answering machine message, we made a few changes. Very fast: Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and message. If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP
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Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 1.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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The Sailor and the computer |
A retired sailor purchased a computer and began to learn all about computing. Being a sailor, he was used to addressing his ships as "She" or "Her". But was unsure what was proper for computers.
To solve his dilemma, he set up two groups of computer experts: one group was male, and the other group was female.
The group of women reported that computers should be refereed to as "HE" because:
1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better model.
The group of men reported that computers should be refered to as "SHE" because:
1. No one but the creator understands their logic. 2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. |
Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 6.0/10 (2 votes cast) |
While waiting at a bus stop for a bus, a woman stepped onto a weight machine that told your fortune and weight for a quarter.
She put a quarter in, and out came a card that read: "Your age is 32, You weigh 135 lbs, and you play the fiddle."
She found the fortune amusing, since she didn't play the fiddle, but it did have her age correct. About that time, an old gentleman walked up carrying a fiddle. She asked him if she could see his fiddle. He agreed and to their amazement, she began playing the fiddle with great natural skill.
She wondered if the fortune machine had actually known something about her that she didn't. She thought about it, and decided to try the weight machine again. She put another quarter in the machine, and out comes the card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you have gastritis."
She found this one to be absurd, as she was in perfect health. So she went back to the bus-stop to wait for her bus.
While sitting there, she develops abdominal pains that continue to get worse until she lets rip a humongous batch of anal air. She wondered about the fortune, and again was curious if the machine was capable of knowing stuff about her that she didn't know.
She goes back and puts another quarter in the machine. Out comes a card that reads: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs., and you are about to have sex."
She laughed out loud, as she had been trying to find a decent guy to screw around with for months, with no luck. She is sitting there waiting for the bus, when this attractive young man sits down and immediately their eyes locked, and they both knew that they were right for each other. They quickly ducked down an alley and began to go at it like rutting pigs.
The woman was so simply amazed at the ability of the machine, that she had to try it one more time. She stood on the machine, put her last quarter in, and out came a card that read: "Your age is 32, you weigh 135 lbs. You've fiddled, you've farted, you've screwed around, and now you've missed your bus." |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 5.0/10 (4 votes cast) |
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A Faithful Woman
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An elderly Muslim lady was well-known for her faith and for her confidence in talking about it. She would stand in front of her house and say "Allah be praised" to all those who passed by.
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for Allah to send her some assistance. She would pray out loud in her night prayer "Oh Allah! I need food!! I am having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
One night the atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a prank on her. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and found a large bag of groceries. She raised her hands and shouted, "Allah be praised!."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The old lady laughed and clapped her hands and said, "ALLAH BE PRAISED. He not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!" |
Permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 7.2/10 (9 votes cast) |
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The Potty |
A Little Three Year Old Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet. His Mother Thinks He Has Been In There Too Long, So She Goes In To See What's Up. The Little Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet Reading A Book. But About Every 10 Seconds Or So He Puts The Book Down, Grips Onto To The Toilet Seat With His Left Hand And Hits Himself On Top Of The Head With His Right Hand.
His Mother Says: "billy, Are You All Right?you've Been In Here For A While...
Billy Says: "i'm Fine, Mommy.. I Just Haven't Gone 'doody' Yet."
Mother Says: "ok, You Can Stay Here A Few More Minutes.but, Billy, Why Are You Hitting Yourself On The Head?"
Billy Says: "works For Ketchup."
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Permalink | Source : jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
Rating: 3.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female? |
Permalink | Source : Australia, India, Sri Lanka - Australian Joke of the day
Rating: 6.4/10 (8 votes cast) |
One day while at her job as a bank loan officer, Patty Black, had a frog hop onto her desk and say, "I would like to apply for a lily-pad improvement loan." Patty looked incredulously at the frog and said, "I'm sorry, we don't loan money to frogs." To which the frog replied, "I have collateral," as he handed her a small ceramic trinket. Not wanting to be impolite, Patty said, "I don't know. I'll have to talk to the bank manager."
She walked back to the manager's office and said, "There is a frog out here, asking for a lily-pad improvement loan, and this trinket is all he has for collateral." The bank manager picked up the trinket and looked at it carefully. Then smiling he turned to Patty and said, "Why it's a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan."
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Permalink | Source : A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
Rating: 4.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
Customer: Waiter, is this supposed to be coffee or tea?
Waiter: What does it taste like?
Customer: It tastes like gasoline!
Waiter: Well, sir, that would be the coffee. The tea tastes like turpentine.
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Permalink | Source : Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
Rating: 6.7/10 (3 votes cast) |
| I slept with the devil last night. We had six 3 times! |
Permalink | Source : Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
Rating: 1.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The
best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good
pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have
to go over and over again."
The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I
could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can
get my hands on and it's still a problem."
Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00
am sharp, I have a good long pee. At around 6:30 am I have a great bowel
movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake
up before 7:00 am. |
Permalink | Source : Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
Rating: 6.5/10 (19 votes cast) |
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There is a Monkey in the Bar #humor #joke |
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.
The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player.
The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer."
The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."
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Permalink | Source : Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
Rating: 5.5/10 (2 votes cast) |
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