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Jokes of the day
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Jokes of the day - daily portion of jokes. New jokes every day. Joke of the day archive is updated every day. Funny photo is updated daily. Funny video is updated daily. Links to great joke archives. Big archive of old jokes of the day, top rated jokes of the day. Jokes of the day are updated daily, bringing updated jokes. Rate jokes of the day.
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Jokes of the day for Friday, Feb the 12th 2010
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For Those Long Road Trips Through The Desert |
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Funny photo of the day Permalink | Source : That will buff out - funny auto escapade
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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Lightbulb... Christians |
| How many Christians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. The Bible makes no mention of lightbulbs. |
Permalink | Source : Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
Rating: 1.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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Put it down |
| Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always did, when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Father O'Grady.
"Oh, Father, I've got terrible news," replied Mary.
"Well, what is it, Mary?"
"Well, my husband passed away last night, Father."
"Oh, Mary," said the priest. "That's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did, Father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun'..."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by dolly04 |
Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 3.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
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My mind is gone... |
"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!" |
Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
| Jack Bauer was once challenged to a fight by the flagpole when he was in elementary school. When the kid showed up, Jack Bauer was nowhere to be found. Instead he found a heap of burning bodies that were later identified to be the boy's parents. |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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Blessing a Body…?
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A newly ordained deacon was asked to hold a graveside service for someone with no family or friends. It was his first official assignment, so he eagerly agreed.
Taking his duties very seriously, the deacon let early the next morning for the cemetery. However, he made several wrong turns and quickly got himself lost. When he finally arrived more than an hour late, the hearse was nowhere to be seen and the two workmen were eating lunch.
The deacon got out of his car, quickly threw on his vestments, and hurried to the open grave. Looking into the pit, he saw that the vault lid was already in place. With a sign, he took out his prayer book and read the burial service.
After he had left, one of the workmen said to the other, “Maybe we should have told him he just blessed a septic tank.â€
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved. |
Permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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Winter Olympics |
Now that Vancouver will be hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking.
Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.
Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax ? (England)
A: No, but you'd better bring a few extra furs for trading purposes.
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North.....oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
Please send this on to any Canadian (or others) who you think will enjoy it.
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Permalink | Source : jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad. |
Permalink | Source : Australia, India, Sri Lanka - Australian Joke of the day
Rating: 6.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says,
"There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you.
Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."
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Permalink | Source : A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring. Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized rock in its center.
"Excuse me sir," the gentleman says to the salesman. "How much is this ring?"
"Ah, that's a beautiful piece," the salesman replies. "It goes for \$20,000."
"Oh my!" the man exclaimed. "That's a lot of money!"
"Yes, but a diamond is forever."
"Perhaps," the gentleman replied, "but my marriage won't last that long!"
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Permalink | Source : Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
Rating: 4.0/10 (1 vote cast) |
| I hate people who speak in sentence fragments. They are so phrasist. |
Permalink | Source : Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a
dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the
boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping
that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the
amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one
wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter,
Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!" The genie
clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea
turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the
genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the
two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at
Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment,
he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat." |
Permalink | Source : Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
Rating: 6.3/10 (3 votes cast) |
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Too Many Y2K Fears |
Signs You Took Y2K Too Serious
- You didn't find out that nothing happened for a week because you were holed up in your cellar.
- You don't have to go to the grocery store for a year.
- You invited the local football team over to eat twice this week, and you still have food left!
- You have no savings left because you used it to prepare.
- You spent the first week of the new year digging up all your valubles.
- You went to the bank on Monday and deposited \$2000 of one & five dollar bills.
- You went ahead and had your water shut off, so you could use your stored bottled water.
- You were depressed because nothing happened !!
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Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
| Why does the bride always wear white? Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the cooker and the fridge.
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Permalink | Source : http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
Rating: 4.0/10 (7 votes cast) |
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We Have a New Baby #joke #humor |
For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"
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Permalink | Source : Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
Rating: 0.0/10 (0 votes cast) |
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