When Grandpa and Billy entered...When Grandpa and Billy entered their vacation cabin, they kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting insects. Still, a few fireflies followed them in. Noticing them before Grandpa did, Billy whispered, ‘It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.’
Funny video of the day - Funny video of the day Wednesday, 24 February 2010
As you may know, in a shalom race the skier must pass through about 20 "gates" in the fastest time. Well, it happened that Israel had the fastest slalom skier in the world and had great expectations for an Olympic gold medal.
Came the day of the final, the crowd waited in anticipation. The French champion sped down the course in 38 seconds. The Swiss in 38.7 seconds, the German in 37.8 seconds and the Italian in 38.1 seconds. Next came the Israeli's turn ... the crowd waited, and waited...six minutes!
"What happened to you?" screamed his trainer when the Israeli finally arrived. Replied the exhausted Israeli: "Which of those idiots put a mezuzah on each gate?"
Three priests went to the train station to take a trip to Pittsburgh. The senior father looked to the youngest and said, "Will you go to the booth and buy the tickets for us?"
The young priest timidly replied, "Yes Father." And he headed for the ticket booth. When he gets to the window, he sees that the young woman selling tickets is wearing a VERY low cut neckline and is VERY endowed.
"Could I have three pickets to Titsburg?" he blurted. And, embarrassed, he ran back to the other two priests and told them what had happened.
The senior father then asked the middle-aged father if he would go to get the tickets. "And would you please get me two nickels for a dime while you are there?" he added.
"Certainly!" the middle-aged priest replied, "I'll be right back." When he arrived at the booth, he said "I'd like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and give me two nipples for a dime." And, embarrassed, he ran back to the other two priests and told them what had happened.
The senior father was angry and said, "You two wait here, I'll go and get them myself!" And he stormed off to the ticket booth. "I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and two nickels for a dime." he told the young woman, "And you should be ashamed of yourself, young lady. Dressing that way in a public place! Why....I'm sure that Saint Fingers is shaking his Peter at you right now!"
And he ran away......
Knock Knock Collection 137
Odysseus the last straw!
Ogre take a flying leap!
Curly Pubic HairWhy is pubic hair curly?
So you don't poke your eyes out!
What a winning combination?
The counselor was giving advic...The counselor was giving advice to a young man: "To gain self-confidence, you must avoid using negative words, such as can't and not. Do you think you can do that?"
The young man responded, "Well, I can't see why not."
CasketsQ: What did one casket say to the sick casket?
A: Is that you coughin?
A man sits down at a bar and o...A man sits down at a bar and orders a double martini. After he finishes, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another. After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another double martini. The barman says: "I'll bring you martinis all night but why do you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies: "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
A man was walking down the bea...A man was walking down the beach when he noticed a cave. He walked in and looked around only to discover a magic lamp buried in the sand.
He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, " You may have 3 wishes but whatever u wish for all the lawyers in the world will get double." The man agreed and said, " i want a million dollers." He got that and the lawyers got 2 million.
Next he said, " i want a ferrari." So he got one and all the lawyers got 2. Next, being his last wish, he took a minute and thought about it carefully.
Finnally he said," Well i've allways wanted to give a kidney."
The Americans and Russians at ...The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued as they were they would blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk.
They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund.
Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cage doors were opened, the Dachshund came out first and slowly waddled over toward the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund. But when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"Yeah," an American replied, "and we had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
Caught on the Job
The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.
Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, â€œA-a-a-men!â€
The Pope and the President...
During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media.
The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.
A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, and discouraged, and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.
Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed."
Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."
Little Johnny comes home from ...Little Johnny comes home from his first day of school. His
mother asks, "So, what did you learn at school today?" Little
Johnny replies, "NOT ENOUGH. They want me to come back tomorrow!"
The bar!Man walks into a bar.
Little Johnny... Nickels and DimesLittle Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.
One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Dont you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickels bigger?
Johnny grins and says, Well, if I took the dime, theyd stop doing it, and so far Ive made $20!