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Jokes of the day
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Jokes of the day - daily portion of jokes. New jokes every day. Joke of the day archive is updated every day. Funny photo is updated daily. Funny video is updated daily. Links to great joke archives. Big archive of old jokes of the day, top rated jokes of the day. Jokes of the day are updated daily, bringing updated jokes. Rate jokes of the day.
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Jokes of the day for Friday, Feb the 26th 2010
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NOTE:
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check funny videos and funny photos you have missed due to issue, using << Previous 'jokes of the day' link.
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Still Winter, but girls are showing their belly buttons |
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Funny photo of the day Permalink | Source : That will buff out - funny auto escapade
Rating: 6.1/10 (12 votes cast) |
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Women and Bad Weather |
Q: What do women, tornadoes and hurricanes have in common?
A: They all get the house. |
Permalink | Source : Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
Rating: 4.8/10 (11 votes cast) |
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Copies of Copies |
| A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help
the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed,
however, that they were copying copies, not the original
books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about
this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first
copy, that error would be continued in all of the other
copies.
The head monk said, "We have been copying from the copies
for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." The head
monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to
check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went
downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from
the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over
one of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong.
"The word is 'celebrate'," said the head monk. |
Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 6.5/10 (11 votes cast) |
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Yo Mama Is So Ugly |
Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower
Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
Yo mama so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras
Yo mama so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
Yo mama so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say "Wow, is it Halloween already?"
Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry.
Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower!
Yo mama so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote!
Yo mama so ugly they put her in dough and made monster cookies!
Yo mama so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!
Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
Yo mama so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her!
Yo mama so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
Yo mama so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
Yo mama so ugly The NHL banned her for life
Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween!
Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday!
Yo mama so ugly if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects!
Yo mama so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints
Yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry!
Yo mama so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
Yo mama so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.
Yo mama so ugly she scares the roaches away.
Yo mama so ugly we have to tie a steak around your neck so the dog will play with her!
Yo mama so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
Yo mama so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
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Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 7.3/10 (7 votes cast) |
| A man sits down at a bar and orders a double martini. After he finishes, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another. After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another double martini. The barman says: "I'll bring you martinis all night but why do you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies: "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."
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Permalink | Source : http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
Rating: 5.6/10 (17 votes cast) |
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Bungee Jumping |
Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungee Jumping tower in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around but nobody was buying tickets.
Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get the idea." After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the ground before springing back.
As he came back up Zeke noticed that his cloths were torn and wondered what that was all about.
Zeb went down again and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he was bleeding. Zeke thought, "Wow, what's going on here."
Zeb went down a third time and this time when he came back up Zeke noticed that he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body.
Zeke pulled Zeb in and said, "Zeb, what happened?"
Zeb groaned, "I don't know, but what's a pinata?? |
Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 4.3/10 (8 votes cast) |
Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out from all the junk going on at work these days.
It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts for a few loyal co-workers. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing.
The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.
Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand.
Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family. Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children new winter coats.
The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy coats for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said, "I did."
"And nobody came to help you?" I queried.
The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.
"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"
I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.
So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car. |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 4.5/10 (6 votes cast) |
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Catholic Definitions
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Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
Holy Water: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
Hymn: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
Incense: Holy Smoke!
Jesuits: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
Jonah: The original “Jaws” story.
Justice: When your children have kids of their own.
Kyrie Eleison: The only Greek words that most Catholics an recognize besides gyros and baklava.
Magi: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
Manger:
1- Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO.
2- The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
Pew: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
Procession: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
Recessional: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass—lead by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
Relics: People who have been going to Mass for so long that they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
Ten Commandments: The most important Top Ten list not produced by David Letterman.
Ushers: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved. |
Permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 6.0/10 (11 votes cast) |
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Back Pew |
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation
and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's
family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided
to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the
clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more
it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair
and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as
He gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in
her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of
it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
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Permalink | Source : jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
Rating: 5.5/10 (15 votes cast) |
What is the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?
A hematologist pricks your finger. |
Permalink | Source : Australia, India, Sri Lanka - Australian Joke of the day
Rating: 4.0/10 (9 votes cast) |
An idiot guy walks up to the door of a bar, rolling a wheel along with him. The bouncer says, “Hey, what are you doing with that?”
“Last time I came here, they said we had to have proper IDs and a tire.”
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Permalink | Source : A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
Rating: 5.6/10 (11 votes cast) |
A traveling salesman was held up in the west by a rainstorm and flood. He e-mails his office in NY: "Delayed by storm. Send instructions."
His boss e-mails back: "Start vacation immediately."
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Permalink | Source : Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
Rating: 5.5/10 (16 votes cast) |
| Dolly Parton charmed me into watching the Winter Games. I was boobs led. |
Permalink | Source : Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
Rating: 6.6/10 (9 votes cast) |
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together
at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into
Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed
the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into
the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let
him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring
Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with
him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died
on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered,
"about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter." St. Peter then turned
to the lawyer. "Name them." |
Permalink | Source : Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
Rating: 5.6/10 (16 votes cast) |
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