If you drink too much water yo...If you drink too much water you can insult people. It's not very pee see.
Now that we are into renaming ...Now that we are into renaming things like Mount Diablo, President Obama wants to rename the San Andreas Fault. His suggestion, Bush's Fault.
Funny video of the day - Funny video of the day Saturday, 24 April 2010
Our baby was born last week. W...Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.
Birthday GiftTwo old guys talking.
One said to the other: "My 85th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"
Tao: Stuff happens.
Catholicism: If stuff happens, you deserved it.
Protestantism: Let stuff happen to somebody else.
Judasim: Why does stuff always happen to us?
Islam: Stuff happens according to the will of Allah.
Buddhism: The stuff is an illusion.
Zen: What is the sound of stuff happening?
Hinduism: This stuff happened before.
Mormonism: This stuff should multiply.
Baha'i Faith: Stuff happens in a progressive manner.
Agnosticism: I'm not sure about this stuff.
Atheism: That stuff about the stuff is all just made up stuff.
Jonestown: Forget about the stuff and just drink the Kool-Aid.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member mytmouse57
A Woman's Experience With...A Woman's Experience With Children
For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother.
Things I've learned from my children (honest & no kidding):
1. A king size water bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
11. Playdough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Superglue is forever- especially in hair.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in town has a 5-minute response time to my house.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful- as in:
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read,"...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said... 'Holy Sh*t, a talking pig!"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
Calculate the number 1937
Gabriel Iglesias: Tear It UpIm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.
Bad Day On The Golf Course
An avid golfer was late coming home from his weekly game. As he dragged himself wearily through the door, his worried wife met him. "Honey," she said, "How was your game? Why are you so late?"
"Well," he replied, "this had to be the worst, hardest game of my life. Jack died out there on the golf course. Just had a heart attack at the second hole and then died."
"Oh, no!" she cried. "How awful for you! He was your best friend! No wonder you are late....."
"Yes, the ordeal really wore me out.," he said, "the whole rest of the game it was hit the ball, drag Jack, hit the ball, drag Jack......"
Alcoholic Side EffectsThe FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
Lightbulb Joke Collection 90
Q: How many Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 15--One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say that someone hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it, one to do an intense examination of the film and conclude that a) it was tampered with and b) it proves that the first screwer did not act alone, one to insist that the bulb was altered after it was unscrewed, three tramps to walk across the room an hour later, one to insist LBJ really screwed the bulb in, and one to accuse all the others of being disinformation specialists.
Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?
A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.
Q: How many Reagans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What light bulb?
Note: Topical to Reagan's apparent poor memory.
Q: How many Reaganists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify the denial ("The bulb is really just dim"), one to blame the bulb burning out on the Carter administration, one to blame the bulb burning out on Congress, one to ask for a Constitutional amendment that will prohibit bulbs from burning out, one to replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to borrow money from the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one former Reaganist to lobby his old colleagues for a special favour for the kerosene importer, one to cash the cheque for investing in the kerosene importer, one to send the bill to the next generation.
Q: How many election canvassers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They'd just go round telling everyone that it's time for a change but the only way this can come about is if everyone votes for "New lightbulb."
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.
Q: How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's a military secret.
A husband and wife at a hotel ...A husband and wife at a hotel asked for a 6am alarm call. On the stroke of 6, the phone rang and a voice said: "This is your wake-up call." The guest said thanks and put the phone down. A minute later the phone rang again and the voice said: "This is your wake-up call." Annoyed, the husband said: "You phoned only a minute ago." "I know," replied the receptionist, "but there are two of you."
A man placed some flowers o...
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
A new way to diet...
Tammy and Ann were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, Tammy said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."
"Why don't you just leave him then ?" said Ann.
"Oh ! Not yet." Tammy replied, "I'd like to lose at least another ten to fifteen pounds first."
You Grew Up in the 80s If...-- You learned to swim about the same time Jaws came out and still cant swim naked at night.
-- Princes 1999 was the focal point of your plans for an end of the century party.
-- You dressed to emulate either Duran Duran, Poison, Madonna, Rick Springfield or Cyndi Lauper.
-- You wanted to be gagged with a spoon.
-- You had a poster of Bo, Luke & Daisy Duke.
-- There was nothing questionable about Bert and Ernie living together.
-- You dialed 867-5309 to see if Jenny would answer.
-- Your familys cable TV box had the three rows of numbers, and you had to move the selector switch accordingly.
Q: What do yo...Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?