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Jokes of the day
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Jokes of the day - daily portion of jokes. New jokes every day. Joke of the day archive is updated every day. Funny photo is updated daily. Funny video is updated daily. Links to great joke archives. Big archive of old jokes of the day, top rated jokes of the day. Jokes of the day are updated daily, bringing updated jokes. Rate jokes of the day.
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Jokes of the day for Monday, May the 17th 2010
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check funny videos and funny photos you have missed due to issue, using << Previous 'jokes of the day' link.
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No Wonder We Import From China |
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Funny photo of the day Permalink | Source : There I fixed it - photos of ur handiwork!
Rating: 2.6/10 (8 votes cast) |
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Daniel Tosh: God Does Not Hate Gay People |
| God does not hate gay people. Hes just mad because they found a loophole in His system. |
Permalink | Source : Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
Rating: 4.8/10 (11 votes cast) |
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Nuns confession |
| A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun.
He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says.
"I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves.
Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack."
The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.
The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you."
She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass."
The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus"
With that the nun turns around and says "Surprise I'm the bus driver." |
Permalink | Source : The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
Rating: 4.6/10 (10 votes cast) |
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Selling War Insurance |
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay \$200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of \$6000."
"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?
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Permalink | Source : Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
Rating: 6.8/10 (4 votes cast) |
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Little Johnny In Class |
| A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, 'I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.'
'Very good, William,' cooed the teacher.
'My mommy had a baby,' said little Esther.
'Oh, that's nice,' replied the teacher.
Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.
'I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.'
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, 'And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?'
'It'll teach those Indians not to 'screw' with the Lone Ranger.' |
Permalink | Source : http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
Rating: 5.5/10 (6 votes cast) |
Fellow shows up at work Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss, figuring the guy got in a fight at a bar asks him, "Where'd you get the shiners?"
"Got 'em both in church yesterday."
"In church!?! How in the world did you manage to get two black eyes in church?"
"Well, the preacher called a hymn and as we all stood up to sing, I noticed the lady standing in front of me. Her dress was sort of stuck in the crack of her ass, so I reached out and pulled it out for her. She turned around and slugged me in the right eye."
"Well, how'd you get the other one?"
"Well, I figured if she got that mad from me pulling the dress out of the crack of her ass, I'd better put it back." |
Permalink | Source : Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
Rating: 4.7/10 (11 votes cast) |
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Religion as Baseball
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Calvinists believe the game is fixed.
Lutherans believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper.
Quakers won't swing.
Unitarians can catch anything.
Amish walk a lot.
Pagans sacrifice.
Jehovah's Witnesses are thrown out often.
Televangelists get caught stealing.
Episcopalians pass the plate.
Evangelicals make effective pitches.
Fundamentalists balk.
Adventists have a seventh-inning stretch.
Atheists refuse to have an Umpire.
Baptists want to play hardball.
Premillenialists expect the game to be called soon on account of darkness.
The Pope claims never to have committed an error. |
Permalink | Source : Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
Rating: 3.3/10 (3 votes cast) |
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The Jury |
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid \$10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's home, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the \$10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.
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Permalink | Source : jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
Rating: 6.0/10 (5 votes cast) |
| f a telephone rings in an empty room and no one is there to answer it, was there really a phone call? Help me investigate this phenomenon by leaving your name and number after the tone. |
Permalink | Source : Australia, India, Sri Lanka - Australian Joke of the day
Rating: 6.0/10 (4 votes cast) |
A guy walks into a bar and there is a horse serving drinks. The guy stares until the horse finally says, “What’s the problem? Haven’t you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?”
The guy says, “No, it’s not that. It is just that I never thought the ferret would sell the place.”
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Permalink | Source : A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
Rating: 5.3/10 (6 votes cast) |
| This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.
The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes!
I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?"
The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?" |
Permalink | Source : Laughspot - Free Daily Jokes, Ecards, & Games
Rating: 4.6/10 (21 votes cast) |
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