The Blonde and the DogA blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps out of bed and says 'I've had enough of this,' and she goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says 'The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?'
The blonde says 'I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!'
The cheapest kind of flowers c...The cheapest kind of flowers cost only peonies.
Funny video of the day - Funny video of the day Wednesday, 26 May 2010
A man visiting New York stoppe...A man visiting New York stopped at a restaurant which claimed it could supply any dish ordered, so the tourist asked the waiter for Kangaroo on toast. The waiter came back a while later and said, “I am so sorry, sir, but we have run out of bread.”
Amy Schumer: Facebook Is WeirdNow every idiot from high schools like, Im back! We werent supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I dont want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobodys interested in you. I dont want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?
Nuns on the highway...
A cop pulls over a car load of nuns....
Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"
Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."
Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"
Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."
At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.
Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."
Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."
Knock Knock Collection 163
Shelby comin' round the mountain when she comes..!
Shelly Cohn who?
Shelly Cohn carne!
Sherbert forest is where Robin Hood lived!
Sherry your lunch and I'll be your best friend!
A robber came into my store ...
Steven Wright 11My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
A bloke went to his mate's fan...A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back.
"I'm a snail." The bloke replied.
"What a load of rubbish!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?"
"That's not a naked girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle".
A police officer pulls over th...A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Because I'm drunk."
Praying for Coffee Cake
An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffee cake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special coffee cake,â€ he explained. â€œI accidentally drove by the bakery this morning, and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, â€˜Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffee cakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery. And sure enough,â€ he continued, â€œthe eighth time around the block, there it was!â€
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
A hunter kills a deer and brin...A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"
"You'll see", he replies.
They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."
His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! ... It's a fucking asshole ..."
Mitch Bailey went to the docto...Mitch Bailey went to the doctor about a problem. The doc makes him lie down and asks him to strip. The doc is pretty surprised to see wet semen in his penis.
"When did you last ...err... copulate ... you know... make love, Mitch?", asks the slightly embarrassed doctor.
"1955", replies back Mitch.
The doctor asks, totally shocked after listening to Mitch's reply, "1955...my...Jeez...somethings terribly wrong. You are the weirdest case in my 23 year old career."
"Why? Is something wrong?", asks a puzzled Mitch.
"Oh yes it is, Mitch, you have not had sex for so long and you still have fresh stains of semen in your penis. Something is wrong.", says the doctor.
"Well, I don't think so. I had it at 1955 and it is only 2030 hrs now, doc"
Girls Night Out...
The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise," were my last words.
The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.
Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!
Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quit pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!
The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!
After a moment, he then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."
A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:
"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
The Silent Treatment
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see as to why his wife hadn't woken him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
For deca... The Statues
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
You've been such exemplary statues, he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
You still have fifteen more minutes, said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
What's the difference between ...What's the difference between and African elephant and an Indian elephant?
About 3000 miles.