JOKES OF THE DAY

* If HP made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread!

* If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

* If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.

* If Circuit City made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.

* If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.

* If Cray made toasters... They would cost \$16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.

* If the Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.

* If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.

* If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.

* If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.

* If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box.

* If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

* If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier and ten times better!

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

'It's free,' St. Peter replied, 'this is Heaven.' Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located on. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, 'What are the green fees?'

St. Peter replied, 'This is heaven, you play for free.' Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the World laid out. 'How much to eat?' asked the old man.

'Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!' St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?' the old man asked timidly. St. Peter lectured, 'That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.'

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, 'This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins and exercise, I could have been here ten years ago!'

A man went to the confessional. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

"What is your sin, my son?” the priest asked.

"Well,” the man started, “I used some horrible language this week, and I feel absolutely terrible.”

"When did you use this awful language?” asked the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a power line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about a hundred yards.”

"Is that when you swore?”

"No, Father. After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”

"Is that when you swore?”

"Well, no. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons, and flew away!”

"Is that when you swore?” asked the amazed priest.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”

"Did you swear then?”

"No, because as the ball felt it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”

The priest signed, “You missed the putt, didn't you?”


This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.