JOKES OF THE DAY

The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying "Ehh... 23!".

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Stephanie".

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"

"Ohh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Glaci

1. Make race car noises when people get on and off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"

4. Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout Cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occasionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.

25. Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"

34. Play the accordion.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."

46. Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"

A rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car broke down. They set out to find help and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.

The rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"

The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!" The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.

In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...

The next day, about noon, the guy's in the bar again, and says to the bartender, if I can do it again, but with 2 glasses side by side, would you give me \$100? The bartender agrees, and the guys spits from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else.

The evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks a bunch of glasses all over the bar. He then says to the guy, "if you can spit in all of these glasses at the same time, without getting any anywhere else, I'll give you \$200" The guy says, "Sure, but I need a little time to get ready" So after a minute, the guy comes up, and procceds to spit everywhere at lightning speed. The bartender, seeing that the guy has missed ever single cup, jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guys pays the bartender, and says, "I don't see what you're so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner \$500 that I could spit all over your bar, and you'd be happy about it."