Jokes of the day for Friday, 23 July 2010

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 23 July 2010
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My car is so fast the payments...

My car is so fast the payments are three months behind.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

Hollywood Squares

These great questions and answers are from the days when theHollywood Squares game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at n*dist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him...
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
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Funny video of the day - Funny video of the day Friday, 23 July 2010

Funny video of the day Friday, 23 July 2010 - link to page video is posted initially.
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Rating: 5.7/10 (9)

Buddhist Vacuum

Q: Why can't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
A: No attachments.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Barrybear47

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.53/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (30)

There was a guy in a bar one n...

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said...

"Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 6.93/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (15)

The doctor...

A newly hired nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"

She asked another nurse, "Why is he going on like that?"

The experienced nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.73/10

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Big ethical dilemma

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100.

She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill.

On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.80/10

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Find the missing text [*A******M*]

Find the missing text *A******M*. Background picture associated with the solution.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Paul F. Tompkins: Letter to the Editor

What I dont understand is when people write letters to magazines to say how much they agreed with a particular review or how much they enjoyed a particular article, you know what I mean?... You might as well write a letter to your grocery store. Dear grocery store: thanks for putting your eggs in a carton. It makes them a lot easier to get them home.
#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.13/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (15)

A young boy had just gotten hi...

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study & said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little & get your hair cut, & we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back & again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment & replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, & even Jesus had long hair ..." To which his father replied, "Yes, & they WALKED every where they went too!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 07 November 2009
  • Currently 6.30/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (57)

A small boy is sent to bed by ...

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
Da-ad..." "What?"
I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
WHAT?"
I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"
I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later...
Daaaa-aaaad..."
WHAT??!!"
When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 17 March 2009
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (16)

Couple in their nineties are b...

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically
okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them
remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his
chair.'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?'
she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write
it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that,
write
it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember
it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for
goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of
bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says,

'Where's the toast ?'
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 23 July 2009
  • Currently 6.58/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (12)

Cat Jokes 09


Q: What does a lion brush his mane with?

A: A catacomb!


Q: What noise does a cat make going down the highway?

A: Miaooooooooooooooooooow!


Q: What do you get if cross a cat with a canary?

A: Shredded tweet!


Q: Why do tomcats fight?

A: Because they like raising a stink!


Q: Why is a crazy marmalade cat like a biscuit?

A: They are both ginger nuts!


Q: What is white, sugary, has whiskers and floats on the sea?

A: A catameringue!


Q: On what should you mount a statue of your cat?

A: A caterpillar!


Q: What do you get if cross a Tomcat with a Pekingese?

A: A Peking Tom!





#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 July 2008
  • Currently 3.27/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (11)

A blonde went into a world wid...

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: " I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

"Well then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.

The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did. He then said "Now get on your knees". She did. "Now take down my zipper". She did. "Now go ahead take it out....." he said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands... then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well... go ahead".

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, she said...

"HELLO MOM... CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 July 2008
  • Currently 6.70/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (10)

A company, feeling it is...

A company, feeling it is time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks: "And how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies: "I make $200 a week. Why?"

The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams: "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Surprisingly, the guy takes the cash with a smile, says: "Yes sir! Thank you, sir!" and leaves.

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks: "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters: "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 July 2008
  • Currently 6.83/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (6)

A little boy went to the bathr...

A little boy went to the bathroom at school, but when he went to wipe his bum, there was no toilet paper so he used his hands.

When he got back to class, his teacher asked him what he had in his hands.

"A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away," the boy said.

He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him what he had in his hands.

"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

He was sent home and his mom asked him what he had in his hands.

"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

He was sent to his room and his dad came in and asked him what he had in his hands.

"A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!"

"Look, Dad. You scared the crap out of him."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 23 July 2009
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Rating: 5.8/10 (6)

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