Jokes of the day for Monday, 16 August 2010

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 16 August 2010
  • Currently 9.59/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (86)

What would you like to hear?

3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to an orientation in Heaven.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!!'"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.33/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (6)

Felipe Esparza: Not a Threesome Body

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body -- this is a tell nobody.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (28)

Funny video of the day - Funny video of the day Monday, 16 August 2010

Funny video of the day Monday, 16 August 2010 - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 6.25/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (8)

Shark Attack

Why do Sharks circle you before attacking?
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people .
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did .
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did .
"Now we eat everybody." And they did .
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh*t inside!"
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 6.63/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (8)

Jesus preached his Thesis ...

Jesus preached his Thesis on Apiary Psychology, aka the Bee Attitudes.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.67/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (3)

Funny Photo of the day - What Really Happened To Oceanic 815 (MoW)

What Really Happened To Oceanic 815 (MoW) | Source : This is Photobomb - Photojackers of the World Unite!
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (8)

At graduation, everybody is go...

At graduation, everybody is going to get their diploma but Tom. At the assembly Tom’s entire senior class screams “Let Tom graduate, let Tom graduate!” The principal in a moment of weakness agrees to give Tom one last chance. “If I have five peaches in my left hand and five peaches in my right hand, Tom, how many peaches do I have?” he asked. Tom thought long and hard and then said: “ten.” And the entire senior class stood up and shouted. “Give Tom another chance. Give Tom another chance!”
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.63/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (8)

Little Johnny was sitting in c...

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question:

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?"

"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly off."

"The correct answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking her cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 6.57/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (30)

Calculate the number 1692

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 1692 using numbers [8, 2, 6, 7, 36, 604] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Bad Temper Problem


Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (23)

Microsoft Dinner 200

Microsoft Dinner 2001

*********************

INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT:

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honour Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:

mstv.dinn.// 08.5min @5...%heat

Then enter:

ms//start.cook_dindin/ yummy|/yum~yum :-) gohot#cookme.

If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter:

ms.nodamn.good/ tryagainagain/ again. crap

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 2001. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (7)

An old man was sitting on a be...

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was bright yellow and green with orange tips, and he had blue makeup around his eyes. The old man kept looking at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"
The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 01 December 2009
  • Currently 5.71/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (68)

ATTORNEY: What gear were you ...

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 10 April 2009
  • Currently 5.36/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (14)

Caught on the Job

The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.
Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, “A-a-a-men!”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 24 February 2009
  • Currently 6.26/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (27)

Dancing duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 16 August 2009
  • Currently 5.19/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (21)

Request Before Death


A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 16 August 2009
  • Currently 7.00/10

Rating: 7.0/10 (11)

Discharge

A young lady walks into a doctors office. "Doctor I'm suffering from a terrible discharge."

The doctor lays her down, lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and asks her, "How does that feel?"

The young lady replies, "Oooh doctor, that feels lovely... but the discharge is from my ear!"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 16 August 2008
  • Currently 6.88/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (8)

Three Types of Sex

There are three types of sex in a marriage. The first one is Kitchen Sex. This is when you are newlyweds, and youre still having fun, so you do it anywhere, anytime - but mostly the kitchen. The second type is Bedroom Sex. This is when you have settled down a bit and probably have kids, so you cant do it anywhere except the bedroom. The third type of sex is Hallway Sex. This is when you pass each other in the hall and say, Screw you. But theres also a fourth kind called Courtroom Sex. This is when you are getting a divorce and you try to screw each other in public.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 16 August 2009
  • Currently 6.43/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (7)

A man i...

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 10 metres above the ground. You're between 52.3 and 52.4 degrees north latitude and between 1.8 and 1.9 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no
idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

"The woman below responded, "You must be in Senior Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 16 August 2008
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

Jokes Archive

NOTE: All jokes on this web site are property of the sites they are collected from. Web site Jokes of the day is not responsible for content of jokes. We are not trying to offend, just looking for a good laugh!! If you are offended by any of the jokes, please complain to the site jokes are coming from.
This site uses cookies to store information on your computer. Some are essential to help the site properly. Others give us insight into how the site is used and help us to optimize the user experience. See our privacy policy.