BalconyTwo men were sitting at a bar at the top of a skyscraper. Both were bending their elbows at a steady rate. The first man said, "You know, there's such an updraft on the outside of this building, that if you jump off, you'll fall for a bit, but the updraft will catch you, and bring you right back up to this balcony.
The second guy said, "I don't believe it, you'll have to prove this to me."
So the first guy goes over the balcony and jumps off. He falls and falls and falls, and then he slows in mid drop, and begins rising back up. Finally, he lightly steps back onto the balcony. "See, I told you," he says.
The second guy says, "I've got to try that." So he jumps off the balcony, and falls and falls and falls and falls. Finally, splat on the ground.
The first guy returns to the bar and orders another drink.
As he serves the drink, the bartender says, "You're a mean drunk, Superman."
I woke up beside an elephant. ...I woke up beside an elephant. Man did I feel trunk last night.
Funny video of the day - Funny video of the day Tuesday, 21 September 2010
Having arrived at the edge of ...Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.
An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen.
He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"
A married couple were having a...A married couple were having a disagreement while sitting in bed. The wife said to her husband, "You're impossible."
To which the husband replied, "No. I'm next to impossible."
Where are the monkeys?
The young lady strolled thru the National Zoo and finally paused in front of the monkey island. Mystified as to the whereabouts of the animals, she queried the keeper, "Where are all of the monkeys ?"
"They're all back in the cave Miss." he responded, "It's right in the midst of the mating season."
"I see." she replied, "Do you think they'd come out if I offered them some of these peanuts ?"
Smiling the keeper responding, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know Miss. Would *YOU*?"
MATH PUZZLE: Can you replace...
Signs And Notices 21
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
At my University's Student center Bathrooms: "If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police."
In the hallway of a High School in New Jersey "Our School: Commitment, Responsibility, Attitude, Persistance."
Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: "Rest Area Next Right" - the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery.
A sign in the local opportunity shop says, "If your going to steal, then smile for the camera."
While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a ign that read "Will work for food." If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly a bove him read "Now hiring."
At an office: "This job is only a test had it been an actual job, you would have recieved raises,bonses and promotions."
SEEN ON A BILLBOARD ALONG A HIGHWAY: "Caution: Objects in the mirror may have flunked drivers education."
Top reason for sleep"Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
"This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
"Gee, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"Oh, Hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
"This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
"I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
"It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"
"Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"
"I was working smarter-not harder."
"Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"I'm in the management training program."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
"It's okay... I'm still billing the client."
And the #1 response if found asleep at your desk:
"...and I especially thank you for my excellent boss, Amen!"
Ryan Hamilton: Crazy Car DealershipsCar dealerships are the craziest. These people throw a party. Did you ever notice that? They get the streamers out. They got balloons up like theyre conducting weather experiments or something. They got the search lights out there like Batmans gonna show up and apply for credit. Theyre giving away free hot dogs like its no big deal. Yeah, Ill take a $25,000 automobile if you throw in a hot dog. You bet I will.
10 Things Men Know About Women10 Things Men Know About Women
10.) They have breasts.
Three Aussie guys were working...Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin.
Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me,"
Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'.
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."
Hillary Clinton and her driver...Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked Hillary.
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied: 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the cow.'
Sex in AdvertisingTwo prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00.
A policeman stopped them and told them theyd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, JESUS SAVES.
One of the girls asked the cop, Why dont you stop them?
Well, thats a little different, the cop smiled. Their sign pertains to religion.
The two ladies frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day the cop noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. This time the sign read: TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00.
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade in seven years."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"
A little frivolity to g...
A little frivolity to get you going...
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? ""No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.