Jokes of the day for Saturday, 25 December 2010

Christmas: The Millionaire Gift

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap.
Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him and asked 'What do you want for Christmas?'
'Something for my mother, please,' replied young lady sweetly.
'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you,' smiled Santa. 'What do would you like me to bring her?'
Without pausing, the lady answered quickly, 'A millionaire son-in-law.'

No room in the inn? Take it li...

No room in the inn? Take it like a manger!

An old man lived alone in Idah...

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba

A young man married a beautifu...

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
"Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be."
"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me."
"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."
"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."
"Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method."
"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."
"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it."
"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."
"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look."
"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was.....hmmmmm....... God, I miss him!".........
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"
"Wonderful," said the husband, "but, why?"
"You're with the Government........This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed."

Demetri Martin: Christmas Wrapping

I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper. The paper I used said, Happy Birthday. I didnt want to waste it, so I just wrote Jesus on it.

No worries...

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now, he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

Ponderings Collection 29

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
What happens when none of your bees wax?
Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

Meals in Heaven

Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away,

the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of Heaven.

"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.

"I could eat," said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna,

and they shared it.

While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell

and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks,

pheasant, pastries and vodka.

The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he was hungry,

and Seymour again said, "I could eat." Once again, a can of

tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed

a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy and

chocolates.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna

was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to

be in Heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this

is Heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the

Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand."

"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two

people, does it pay to cook?"

Priest dies and is waiting in ...

Priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather
jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not
to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven ?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York ."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,
"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."
Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right
Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint
Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest,
"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."
"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he
get a silken robe and golden staff?"
"Results," shrugged Saint Peter...........
"While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."
Moral of the story: It's Performance, Not Position that Counts

A lawyer walks into a bar and ...

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

"From my nose," the drunk replied.

Two Kinds of People

There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

A Blonde walks into a Restarau...

A Blonde walks into a Restaraunt, and she goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. The blonde is looking at the bulletin board and she sees a piece of paper that sais "Ocean Cruise Only 5$" She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper. The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde nods and pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary. The secretary looks over to a burly black guy reading a news paper. She nods to the black guy. He stood up and nocks the blonde unconcious. When the blonde wakes up she's tied to a log and is floating down river. She started to think that this was a bad idea. When she sees one of her freinds (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her. In a Joking manner blonde she looks at her freind and says "So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?"
The other blonde replies "They didn't serve any last year."

A businessman finds that his n...

A businessman finds that his neighbor in the first class cabin of his flight is a parrot. They take off and the flight attendant asks what they would like to drink. "Glenlivet on the rocks with a twist," says the parrot. The businessman orders a coke.
After waiting two or three minutes, the bird starts yelling, "Where's my drink?! Stop fooling around and give me my drink!" The fight attendant runs to him with his glass, leaving the businessman still thirsty. Half an hour later the fight attendant makes a second round. The bird orders another Glenlivet and a Wall Street Journal. The businessman asks for another coke. Again, after a couple of minutes, the bird screams, squawking, "You lazy idiot! Where is my drink?!" The poor woman nearly trips over herself getting the parrot his drink and the newspaper. The businessman still has nothing, and after ten more minutes decides to take his cue from the bird. "Hey! Where's my coke! The service here stinks!"
Out of nowhere the purser, the captain and two passengers grab the businessman and the bird, open the hatch and throw them out of the plane.
At 30,000 feet in the air the two fall side by side and the parrot says to the terrified man, "Wow that took a lot of guts for a guy with no wings."

When the Circus Is in Town

The Catholic parish was having its penitential rite in preparation for Christmas. The circus was in town and the tumbler decided to go to the service and make his confession.
The priest he confessed to was sitting next to the communion railing. The tumbler confessed his sins and then told the priest what he did for a living. The priest was fascinated. Using the communion rail, the tumbler gave the priest a demonstration of his moves.
Two women were in line, watching all this. Mable said to her friend, "If that is what the Father is giving for a penance, I had better go home and put on my pantsuit."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Blaise CP

Astrology

I don't believe in astrology...

I'm a Sagittarian and we're

skeptical.

- Charles Schultz