Jokes of the day for Monday, 10 January 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 10 January 2011
  • Currently 9.40/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (65)

I am a professional flatulence...

I am a professional flatulence-connoisseur. I enjoy fartisan whines. I am, as the French say, a smmelier.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Before a burglary trial, the j...

Before a burglary trial, the judge explained to the defendant, “You can let me try your case, or you can choose to have a jury of your peers.”
The man thought for a moment. “What are peers?” he asked.
“They’re people just like you – your equals.”
“Forget it,” retorted the defendant. “I don’t want to be tried by a bunch of thieves.”
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (4)

Funny video of the day - Funny video of the day Monday, 10 January 2011

Funny video of the day Monday, 10 January 2011 - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 2.14/10

Rating: 2.1/10 (7)

Marriage and Haunting

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down......."
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Sixty is the worst age to be,&...

Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing", said the 70 year old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80 year old, "eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60 year old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock, no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
  • Currently 3.67/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (6)

Funny Photo of the day - Family Trip

Family Trip | Source : This is Photobomb - Photojackers of the World Unite!
  • Currently 2.50/10

Rating: 2.5/10 (6)

Gimme all your money...

A man was walking down a street in Washington. A man walking behind him suddenly pulled out a gun and said, "Gimme all your money, now!"

The victim said, "You can't do this to me! I'm a Congressman!"

The robber thought for a moment, then said, "In that case, gimme all of MY money!"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (6)

I Am Going To Shop


"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 2.83/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (6)

Replace asterisk symbols with ...

Replace asterisk symbols with a letters (C**D *****) and guess the name of musician. Length of words in solution: 4,5.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Bigger means dumber

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad.

His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Tantilazing

#joke
Joke | Source: The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (9)

Rebecca Corry: False Advertising

I dont believe anything I see on TV. There was that herbal shampoo commercial where the ladies were in the shower using the shampoo, and theyre having orgasms. I went to Costco and bought the family pack of that. I was in the shower all weekend. The shampoo does not cause orgasms -- the bottle does.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.76/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (29)

Moshe Reads an Arab Newspaper

A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.
"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 28 November 2010
  • Currently 5.58/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (40)

Your Mommas so fat the last ti...

Your Mommas so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 06 March 2010
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (4)

A blonde and a lawyer are seat...

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and, if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

#joke #blonde #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 06 November 2009
  • Currently 6.20/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (50)

The Perfect Man
The ...

The Perfect Man
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel and never mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man loves children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
And a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his love to you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
and kisses away your pain.
He will never make you cry
or batter you in any way
To hell with this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 10 January 2010
  • Currently 4.35/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (57)

Be My Valentine

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 10 January 2010
  • Currently 6.55/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (20)

An attorney ran over to the of...

An attorney ran over to the office of his client. “I can’t believe it!” said the angered attorney. “You sent a case of Dom Perignon to the judge in our case? That judge is as straight as an arrow. Now we’re certain to lose this case!” “Relax,” said the client, “I sent it in the prosecutor’s name.”
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 10 January 2010
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (6)

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