Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 09 February 2011

Most comedians live im...

Most comedians live improverty.

A young man was trying to park...

A young man was trying to park his car between two others. He put it in reverse, and bang- right into the car behind him. He then went forward and bang- right into the car in front. A young woman watching the maneuver couldn’t contain herself. “Do you always park by ear?” she asked.

A man died and he went to heav...

A man died and he went to heaven. In heaven there were very huge walls with millions of clocks attached on it. Sometimes a hand on a clock was moving a little bit.

The man called Saint Peter: "Mr. Peter, may I ask you a question... What are all these clocks doing here?"

Saint Peter: "Every time when a woman on earth wants to have sex, the hand of her clock is moving a second."

Man: "So every woman has her own clock. But how are they organized?"

Saint Peter: "Over here we've got the Brunette-wall. Over there the black haired women-wall. And over there the blond-wall."

Man: "And what about a redhead-wall?"

Saint Peter: "Oh we use their clocks in the kitchen as a ventilator."

Get a heart transplant

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"

"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."

Demetri Martin: Exit Only

I saw a sign on this door; it said, Exit Only. So, I entered it and went up to the guy working there, and I was like, I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door over here by, like, 100%, man.

William Bennett recalls when o...

William Bennett recalls when one of his "radical students" at Boston University announced that he and his girlfriend were getting married for "as long as we feel good about each other."
It seemed rather temporary to Dr. Bennett, so for a wedding present, he says, "I gave them paper plates.

A Guy was staying in a fancy h...

A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out. When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you peed in the pool."
"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."
"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."

Lost at Sea?

Yossi and Janine, an elderly Jewish couple, are sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted - I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives."Yossi turns to Janine and asks, "Janine, dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course."
"Janine, are our life insurance policies paid up?"
"Of course."
"Janine, did we pay our pledge for the synagogue appeal?"
"Oh my God, I forgot to send off the cheque."
"Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!"

Write For Mail Order

An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."
In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."

A woman goes into a sporting g...

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"

Knock Knock Collection 143

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Othello!
Othello who?
Othello you thalked to me!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Otis!
Otis who?
Otis a sin to tell a lie!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ottawa!
Ottawa who?
Ottawa know you're telling the truth?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oewn!
Owen who?
Owen you open this door, I'm going to give you such a roasting!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Owl!
Owl who?
Owl Aboard!

husband, while on a business t...

husband, while on a business trip to a hill station sent a telegram to his wife "I wish you were here." The message received by the wife was "I wish you were her."

Blond - Closet

Q: What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?

A: Last years hide and go seek winner.

Stuffed Minion saves little girls life

Minions are everywhere. In social media, on top of the box office, on street corners but recently saving a child's life too. Stuffed Minion saves little girls life.

Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

Why is Santa Claus so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.