Jokes of the day for Monday, 25 April 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 25 April 2011
  • Currently 9.52/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (62)

Superman once watched an episo...

Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (3)

Lemonade

My eight year old daughter was reading the back of a lemon juice bottle while we were eating our dinner. Noting that the bottle said that it was “not made from concentrate” she asked me what that meant.

I told her that it was made from distracted lemons.

While my wife was shaking her head in the disbelief, my daughter, in a thoughtful tone, said, “That must be why they got caught.”

#joke
Joke | Source: 50Plus.com - For Boomers, Zoomers, 50+ seniors, and Retired People Everywhere, fresh Joke of the day daily
  • Currently 3.71/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (7)

Funny video of the day - Wheelbarrow Race Technique WIN!

Wheelbarrow Race Technique WIN! - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (5)

Why did the cannibal eat his w...

Why did the cannibal eat his wife and children?
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.80/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (5)

Six guys were playing poker wh...

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him.
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (4)

Funny Photo of the day - Probably Bad News: Law Enforcement FAIL

Probably Bad News: Law Enforcement FAIL | Source : Fail blog - Epic Fail Pictures and Videos of Owned, Pwnd and Fail Moments
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (12)

A kindergarten teacher at age ...

A kindergarten teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated on the floor around her, absentmindedly she removed her glasses to clean them.

"Wow, Miss Collins!" one child exclaimed. "You look really different without your glasses on !"

Another child piped up, "I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
  • Currently 2.80/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (5)

Like son like father....

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. The family trooped out to the driveway, and climbed into the car, where he was about to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately headed for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to the ol' man.

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (5)

Find a famous person

Find the first and the last name of a famous person. Text may go in all 8 directions. Length of words in solution: 7,8.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Knock Knock Collection 057


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Egypt!
Egypt who?
Egypt you when he sold you a broken door bell!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Elaine!
Elaine who?
Elaine of the freeway!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Eileen!
Eileen who?
Eileen over to tie up my shoes!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Elektra!
Elektra who?
Elektra circus!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Elias!
Elias who?
Elias a terrible thing!

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.10/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (10)

Pap smear

Why is a pap smear called a pap smear? Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 2.22/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (9)

Your Stimulus Check

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will are scheduled to again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala .
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
#joke #beer
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

David Alan Grier: Stopped Smoking Reefer

I stopped smoking reefer because I started thinking, if great men throughout history had smoked reefer, no tellin what would have happened. Like if somebody like Martin Luther King Jr. had smoked reefer, he would have been giving speeches like, I had a dream, but the hell if I could remember what it was about. It was either about freedom or Fritos.
#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.18/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (72)

Moshe Reads an Arab Newspaper

A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.
"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 28 November 2010
  • Currently 5.58/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (40)

An Irishman is walking along t...

An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes."
The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."
POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magicaly filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"
The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 25 November 2009
  • Currently 5.32/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (50)

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Gran...

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 04 February 2009
  • Currently 4.22/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (9)

A traveler wandering on an isl...

A traveler wandering on an island inhabited by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. This shop specialized in human brains sorted out according to source.

The sign in the shop read:
Artists' Brains $9/lb
Philosophers' Brains $12/lb
Scientists' Brains $15/lb
Blondes' Brains $100/lb

Upon reading the sign, the traveler noted, "My, those beekeepers' brains are expensive - they must be very powerful!"

The butcher replied, "Not really. They're expensive because it takes so many Blondes to get one pound of brains!!"
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 25 April 2009
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (9)

Bloopers from Sunday School Students

  • The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
  • Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
  • Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
  • It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

    #joke
  • Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 25 April 2009
    • Currently 5.38/10

    Rating: 5.4/10 (8)

    Gorilla Chase!

    There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it on its own.

    But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor.

    So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock.

    But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.

    So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why can't I touch its fur?” as their didnt seem to be anything wrong with it.

    Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.

    He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.

    Suddenly the gorilla went ape shit and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else's sports car and drove off.

    In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behing him.

    He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden and up the apple tree.

    He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.

    The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla.

    The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shaddow coming down the street ahead.

    The gorilla!

    It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked striaght into the bloodshoot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly.

    This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint.

    The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, “Tag! You're it!”

    #joke
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 25 April 2010
    • Currently 5.71/10

    Rating: 5.7/10 (7)

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the t...

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at t he time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
    #joke #short
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 25 April 2009
    • Currently 3.71/10

    Rating: 3.7/10 (7)

    A Doctor was addressing a larg...

    A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.. 'The
    material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
    sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
    stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can
    be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
    germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the
    most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone
    here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
    for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet, a
    75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
    'Wedding Cake.'
    #joke #doctor
    Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 25 April 2010
    • Currently 5.67/10

    Rating: 5.7/10 (6)

    PREVIOUS DAY
    NEXT DAY
    Follow jokes of the day on social networks
    NOTE: All jokes on this web site are property of the sites they are collected from. Web site Jokes of the day is not responsible for content of jokes. We are not trying to offend, just looking for a good laugh!! If you are offended by any of the jokes, please complain to the site jokes are coming from.
    This site uses cookies to store information on your computer. Some are essential to help the site properly. Others give us insight into how the site is used and help us to optimize the user experience. See our privacy policy.

    Jokes Archive