Jokes of the day for Friday, 29 April 2011

Only Chuck Norris can prevent ...

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

Does that hurt?

We live in a small town where we have a volunteer Ambulance Company. We are blessed with many dedicated and fully qualified attendants, who staff our ambulances and give freely of themselves. I was chatting with one of the EMS responders one day and she could hardly stifle a chuckle, so I asked her what was so funny and she told me this story…

It seems that she had gone to an automobile accident and was checking a patient who was lying on the road for injuries. As she knelt beside him and probed him, she asked, “Does this hurt or does that hurt?” After each probe, he replied, “No.” When she had nearly completed her examination, she shifted to a better spot from which to finish the examination when after one of her probing questions, he exclaimed very loudly, “That hurts!”

When she asked where, he looked up at her with a look of real pain on his face and said, “You're kneeling on my fingers!”

Almonds are c...

Almonds are created equal.

Attending a wedding for the fi...

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Salvation by Annoyance

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

Two golden-agers were discussi...

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

"I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous."

"My Billy used to do the same thing," the older woman replied. "But I broke him of the habit."

"How?"

"I hid his teeth."

New Years Resolutions

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, `Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery.'

"And sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

Deep Thoughts 07

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
I bet the one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Voodoo Dick

Voodoo Dick There was this businessman who was getting ready

to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a

flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her

something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he

didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So

he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking

around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was

too close to another man for him. He was browsing through

the dildos, looking for something special to please his

wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.

He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't

really know of anything that will do the trick. We have

vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I

don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for

weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man

asked. "Nothing,nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the

'voodoodick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he

asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out

an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened

it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The

businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks

like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied,

"But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a

door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose

out of its box, darted over to the door, and started

screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the

vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before

the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get

back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to

the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!"

said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't

for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The

guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo

and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick,

my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would

be fine while he wasgone. After he'd been gone a few days,

the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people

who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the

voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my

pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started

pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced

before.After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and

tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still

thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing

worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how toshut it

off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they

could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and

started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust

of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her

swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had

to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she

hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in

her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at

her for a second, and then said "Yea, right... Voodoo dick,

my ass!"

David Alan Grier: Stopped Smoking Reefer

I stopped smoking reefer because I started thinking, if great men throughout history had smoked reefer, no tellin what would have happened. Like if somebody like Martin Luther King Jr. had smoked reefer, he would have been giving speeches like, I had a dream, but the hell if I could remember what it was about. It was either about freedom or Fritos.

A married couple went to the h...

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

A woman goes into a sporting g...

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"

Answering Machine Message 225

(Oriental voice:) Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's residence. I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan. (Godzilla scream.) Oh no! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at gong and Chan will call back if house still here.

Chicken Gun

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
Defrost the chicken..

Mo Mandel: Hippie Parents

Grew up with those hippie parents. Mom was always smoking weed around the house. Its not cool. If youre a parent, dont smoke weed in front of your kids, because it ruins weed for your kids, and thats selfish. I see my Mom rolling joints -- very confusing. First time someone offered me a joint in high school, I was like, Im not going through menopause. Why would I want that? My temperatures fine, and Im very fertile.

Two elderly gentlemen from a r...

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a
bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Jack,
I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?

Christian One-Liners

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.