Jokes of the day for Saturday, 30 April 2011

Goat for dinner....

This young couple invited their parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their young son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

If you work in an office with ...

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.

Efficiency expert

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. You don't want to try these techniques at home.

“Why not?” asked somebody from the audience.

“I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?”

“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.

“Actually, yes”, replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”

I collect cows and mushrooms. ...

I collect cows and mushrooms. I have a lot of fungi bull assets.

TEACHER: What is the chemical ...

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said its H to O!

The Buddhist Hotdog Vendor

A Buddhist approaches a hotdog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."
He gives the vendor a $20 bill and waits. Finally he says: "Where's my change?"
Says the vendor: "All change must come from within."

These two little boys are sitt...

These two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs.

The father "gets the message", and they both get up and head towards the stairs.

The mother turns back to the two boys and says, "we're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV we'll be right back, Ok?".

The two boys nod 'OK', and the parents take off upstairs.

The eldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks
into his mom and dad's bedroom and just shakes his head.

Back downstairs he goes back to his little brother. "Come with me", he says. And the two little boys tiptoe up the stairs.

Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this Is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumbs."

Headline In The Paper

HEADLINE: A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club. Police are looking into it.

obituaries

Where do you look for blondes' obituaries?

Under "Home Improvements."

David Alan Grier: Stopped Smoking Reefer

I stopped smoking reefer because I started thinking, if great men throughout history had smoked reefer, no tellin what would have happened. Like if somebody like Martin Luther King Jr. had smoked reefer, he would have been giving speeches like, I had a dream, but the hell if I could remember what it was about. It was either about freedom or Fritos.

A man was walking down the bea...

A man was walking down the beach when he noticed a cave. He walked in and looked around only to discover a magic lamp buried in the sand.

He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, " You may have 3 wishes but whatever u wish for all the lawyers in the world will get double." The man agreed and said, " i want a million dollers." He got that and the lawyers got 2 million.

Next he said, " i want a ferrari." So he got one and all the lawyers got 2. Next, being his last wish, he took a minute and thought about it carefully.

Finnally he said," Well i've allways wanted to give a kidney."

A woman goes into a sporting g...

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"

Bumper Stickers 17

"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."
"I Brake For No Apparent Reason."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
"I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!"
"No Radio - Already Stolen"
"Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

Years ago someone in Californi...

Years ago someone in California hollered “Gold,” and people drove from all directions. That’s the way they still drive in California.

Religious battle golf #joke #humor

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

Human Equation

Mom + Dad - Rubber = U

I saw a rooste...

I saw a rooster with a vagina, so I killed and ate it. No herm, no fowl.