Jokes of the day for Friday, 03 June 2011
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 03 June 2011|
Move the car
My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.
“I have to ask you to move your car,” Cal told him.
“Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?”
“No,” Cal replied, “it's at the wrong address.”
Funny video of the day - Crotch race Japan
Want high-class accommodation?...Want high-class accommodation? Stay in a hautel.
Judge: Haven’t I seen you befo...Judge: Haven’t I seen you before?
Man: Yes, Your Honor. I taught your daughter how to play the drums.
Judge: Twenty years!
EggsA farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen.
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef. "Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"
Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left."
The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference."
Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?"
She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."
The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?
"No," she says.
The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens."
Miracle of Toilet Paper:
Miracle of Toilet Paper:
Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Puzzled but willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I ask.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your bum, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.
Find number abc
As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them !!!"
You Might Be A Redneck If 50
You might be a redneck if...
You think cur is a breed of dog.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You've ever hitchhiked naked.
You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
Writing letters to sonThe following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.
Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:
"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."
Dan St. Germain: Video Game NuptialsA friend of mine had a Super Mario Brothers-themed wedding two years ago. Then, a year after that, he had a regular-themed divorce.
Nursery school teacher says to...Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"
Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
Odd Rabbi Out
"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
Nick Swardson: First High School ReunionI just got invited to my first high school reunion. I want to show up as the first thing I wanted to be when I was younger. Wouldnt that be cool if you showed up, and everybodys like, Hey, hows it going, Nick? Yeah, its me, Bob, remember? Yeah, Im a real estate agent now, and Ive got my own company. Jims a lawyer, and hes got his own firm. So, what are you doing? I am a ninja. I rule the night.
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of a church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!" When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS... AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
Pepito, the son of Cuban-American refugees
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pepito, the son of Cuban-American refugees, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pepito, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good Pepito! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people,for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
Again, no response except from Pepito: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.",
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Pepito,who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Cubans."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pepito put his hand up."J.F.K., during the Bay of Pigs invasion 1961."
At that point, a student in the back said," I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pepito says, "George Bush Sr. to Japans Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pepito jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Pepito frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!, we better get the hell outta here!!"
Pepito said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."