Jokes of the day for Saturday, 04 June 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 04 June 2011
  • Currently 9.51/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (41)

My Tax Remittance for 2004

Enclosed is my 2005 Form 1040, together with payment. Please take note of the attached article from "USA Today" archives. In the article, you will note that the Pentagon paid $171.50 each for hammers and NASA paid $600.00 each for toilet seats. Please find enclosed in this package four toilet seats (value $2,400.00) and six hammers (value $1,029.00). This is in payment for my total tax due of $3,429.00. Out of a sense of patriotic duty, and to assist in the political purification of our government, I am also enclosing a 15 inch Phillips head screw driver, for which HUD duly recorded and approved a purchase value of $2200, as my contribution to fulfill the Presidential Election Fund option on Form 1040. It has been a pleasure to pay my taxes this year and I look forward to paying them again next year in accordance with officially established government values.
Sincerely, Another satisfied American taxpayer.
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 6.63/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (8)

The sun sets from fear of Chuc...

The sun sets from fear of Chuck Norris.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.65/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (17)

Funny video of the day - Epic Bagger

Epic Bagger - putting stuff into a shopping bag faster than light - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

Wedding speech

My nephew was getting married to a doctor's daughter.

At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion.

But after a particularly long pause, he explained, “I'm sorry. I can't seem to make out what I've written down.”

Looking out into the audience, he asked, “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: 50Plus.com - For Boomers, Zoomers, 50+ seniors, and Retired People Everywhere, fresh Joke of the day daily
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

Google Ads

Be a lumberjack. Saw t...

Be a lumberjack. Saw the world.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.43/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (7)

Funny Photo of the day - Practice Makes Perfect!

Practice Makes Perfect! | Source : That will buff out - funny auto escapade
  • Currently 4.22/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (9)

A man consults a therapist and...

A man consults a therapist and states, “Doc, I’m suicidal. What should I do?”
The doctor replies, “Pay in advance.”
#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (7)

A prosecuting attorney called ...

A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.'

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, 'If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!'
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
  • Currently 2.50/10

Rating: 2.5/10 (6)

Replace asterisk symbols with ...

Replace asterisk symbols with a letters (*R**N ***) and guess the name of musician band. Length of words in solution: 5,3.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

The Shopping Criminal

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."

#joke #short #christmas
Joke | Source: The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (27)

Chicamote handmade accessories
http://www.chicamote.com/

Dan St. Germain: Too Lazy to Kill

I could never be a serial killer because Im way too lazy to follow a pattern. I used to murder women that look like Grandmother but now -- mostly delivery men.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.05/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (21)

Turn Back Your Car Odometer


A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.
The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."
"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."
"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.
About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"
"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 25 March 2010
  • Currently 3.13/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (16)

A young man wanted to get his ...

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?"
She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?"
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 04 January 2010
  • Currently 5.04/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (46)

Q&A: Best Babysitter in the Bible

Q: Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A: David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q: Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A: When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
Q: What Bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun.
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 27 March 2009
  • Currently 2.78/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (9)

Black eye...

One night a man stumbled into the police station with a black eye. He claimed he had heard a noise in his back yard and went to investigate. The next he knew, he was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to his house to investigate, and he returned 1 1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 27 June 2008
  • Currently 3.91/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (11)

Christopher Titus: Poker TV

People wonder why our kids are getting fat? Maybe its cause were sitting on our asses on the couch at home watching other people play cards on television? We cant even play cards ourselves. Yeah, Id cut the deck, but I dont want to reach my target heart rate.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 04 June 2010
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (7)

New Twist on an Old Prayer

A woman had been teaching her three-year-old daughter, the

"Lord's Prayer". She carefully enunciated each word, right

up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptation,"

she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail. Amen."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 04 June 2010
  • Currently 4.71/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (7)

Drunken man staggers in to a C...

Drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a
confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract
his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on
the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no tissue
paper in this one either."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 04 June 2009
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (6)

If College Students Wrote The Bible

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -- cold.
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five -- double-spaced and written in a large font.
A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food. Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.
Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.
Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before to get it done.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 04 June 2010
  • Currently 3.33/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (6)

New Male Performance Drugs

With the success of Viagra, many new performance drugs for men go into development:
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 04 June 2009
  • Currently 6.60/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (5)

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