Jokes of the day for Monday, 13 June 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 13 June 2011
  • Currently 9.54/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (41)

Christmas Present

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures.
Immediately, Pastor Mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.
Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?" Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?"
With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."

#joke #christmas
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.85/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (13)

Chuck Norris once round-house ...

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 4.22/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (18)

Funny video of the day - Girls Fail Compilation April May 2011

Girls Fail Compilation April May 2011 - Funny fail videos with girls - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 4.11/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (9)

Chores

Mother: “When I was your age, my mother used to hide money around the house for me that I would find only if I performed my chores particularly well. One time when I was cleaning out the cupboards for her, I found $20 under the old shelf paper.”

Daughter: “Wow! What a cool idea! Why didn't you ever do that with me?”

Mother: “But my dear … I have been.”

#joke
Joke | Source: 50Plus.com - For Boomers, Zoomers, 50+ seniors, and Retired People Everywhere, fresh Joke of the day daily
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Google Ads

The police shut down the gym, ...

The police shut down the gym, for running a body house.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (6)

Funny Photo of the day - THERE WERE 2 OF THEM

THERE WERE 2 OF THEM | Source : Very Demotivational - Posters That Demotivate Us
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (5)

A man lying on his deathbed ca...

A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. "I am going to die tonight," and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." The man handed the three men identical envelopes.
A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish.
Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, " I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted."
Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing."
Ten the lawyer said plainly “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!"
#joke #doctor #lawyer
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.17/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (6)

New Mercedes Owner

A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.
"What in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (5)

Find number abc

If 5a1c8 - 3a2bc = 1988c find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

A man sat down at a bar, looke...

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he's had enough.

The bartender said, 'I've got to ask you - what's with the pocket business?'

The man replied, 'I have my lawyer's picture in there. When he starts to look honest, I've had enough.'
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (7)

puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

The greatest boss....

Our parish priest was making a visit to my nephew's home. He knocked on the door, and the little 4-year-old boy went to the door and way the priest. He called to his dad, "Hey, Dad! That guy that works for God is here!"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 4.89/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (9)

Answering Machine Message 133


I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (7)

A little head

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.

The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes."

"Keep going!"

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have three wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

"What next?" begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"

#joke #walksintoabar #beer
Joke | Source: The Bartender's guide - Jokes, Drinks, and Poker
  • Currently 5.95/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (22)

Dane Cook: Time Travel

Know what I would like to do? Id travel back to when my mom and dad had sex to have me. And Id just run into the bedroom, right when theyre doing it, and just spank my dad on the ass: Im your son from the future!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.65/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (23)

Female hormones in beer

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

#joke #short #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 13 June 2010
  • Currently 4.63/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (24)

God is Watching

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, "Take only one, God is watching."
At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. Moving through the line a boy wrote another note to leave by the cookies, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 13 June 2009
  • Currently 4.21/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (14)

Dead Father

**THIS IS NOT A TRUE STORY**** One night, when I was a little girl, I had a terrible nightmare that a crow came to me and told me that my aunt was going to drop dead the next day. I ran to my parent’s room and told my dad what happened. He calmed me down and told me it was OK. The next day, my mother received a call that my aunt had just dropped dead. That night, I had another dream that the crow came to me and told me that my father was going to die!!! I sprinted down the hall to my parent’s room and told my dad what had happened. He once again calmed me down and said it was going to be ok. But the next morning when he left for work, he was so distraught. The whole day, he thought that every step he took was his last. He came home that night and sat with my mother at the dinner table and said, "I had the most horrible day today." My mother then relied, "You think YOU had a bad day??? I had the Milkman drop dead on the porch!!!!!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 13 June 2010
  • Currently 3.92/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (13)

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