They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant. An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just finished his sermon. He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went.
The Preacher shrugged and said, “The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but,” he continued, “I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground.”
The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, “Well, it sure did taxi long enough!”
Funny video of the day - Woman Driver WIN!
A thirsty Frenchman is still q...A thirsty Frenchman is still quite soif.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at C...Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Pettry amzanig huh?
30 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid*A few clowns short of a circus
*A few fries short of a Happy Meal
*An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
*A few beers short of six-pack
*A few peas short of a casserole
*Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
*The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
*One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl
*One taco short of a combination plate
*A few feathers short of a whole duck
*All foam, no beer
*Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
*Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
*Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
*Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
*Too much yardage between the goalposts
*An intellect rivalled only by garden tools
*As smart as bait
*Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
*Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair
*Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
*Forgot to pay his brain bill
*Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
*His belt doesn't go through all the loops
*If he had another brain, it would be lonely
*No grain in the silo
*Proof that evolution can go in reverse
*Receiver is off the hook
*Several nuts short of a full pouch
*He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
The big city man discovered he...The big city man discovered he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence.
He went into the small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young redhead, quite obviously a local farm girl.
He asked, "Do you keep stationery?"
"Well," she giggled, "I can...until I have an orgasm, then I just go plain wild and crazy!"
Replace the question mark with a number
Jonathan Corbett: Retired FatherMy dad is retired now, and he moved to Florida. And its really great to be able to finally go down and visit him now that hes finally able to do those things in life that hes always wanted to do, which apparently is start drinking at noon and then head on out to buy me ugly shirts.
How old are the dinosaur bones...
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
Baseball In Heaven?
Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.
Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
A lawyer walks into a bar and ...A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.
"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
"From my nose," the drunk replied.
A Bad Gift for a Buddhist
Q: Why is a vacuum cleaner a bad gift for a Buddhist?
A: Because it comes with attachments.
Recalled Chrstimas Toys
Recalled Christmas Toys
- Broken Bag-O-Glass
- Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit
- Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook
- Timothy McVays home Chemistry set
- Switchblade Barney
- Pork-n-Beany Babies
- Make your own moonshine kit
- Mike Tyson Doll (with ear biting action)
Vic Henley: Soccer HecklingAll the British fans start singing to the German fans, If you won the war, stand up! Right, I think this is the greatest thing Ive ever heard at a sporting event because theres no snappy comeback for that, is there?
Toaster Makers?* If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke!
* If HP made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread!
* If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
* If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
* If Circuit City made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
* If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
* If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
* If the Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
* If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
* If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
* If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
* If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box.
* If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
* If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier and ten times better!
Golfing Toward Confession
A man went to the confessional. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
"What is your sin, my son?” the priest asked.
"Well,” the man started, “I used some horrible language this week, and I feel absolutely terrible.”
"When did you use this awful language?” asked the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a power line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about a hundred yards.”
"Is that when you swore?”
"No, Father. After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”
"Is that when you swore?”
"Well, no. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons, and flew away!”
"Is that when you swore?” asked the amazed priest.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”
"Did you swear then?”
"No, because as the ball felt it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”
The priest signed, “You missed the putt, didn't you?”
This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.
Idiots On The Computer
Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into "Drive A" but he couldn't possibly get more than two in.