Jokes of the day for Friday, 17 June 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 17 June 2011
  • Currently 9.64/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (77)

Coroners refer to dead people ...

Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.26/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (31)

Computer terminology

486 – The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art – Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete – Any computer you own.

Microsecond – The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 – Apple's new Macs that make you say “Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.”

Syntax Error – Walking into a computer store and saying “Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.”

Hard Drive – The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.

GUI – What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced “gooey”)

Keyboard – The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse – An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy – The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer – A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash – A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User – Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update – A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

#joke
Joke | Source: 50Plus.com - For Boomers, Zoomers, 50+ seniors, and Retired People Everywhere, fresh Joke of the day daily
  • Currently 5.14/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (7)

Funny video of the day - Incredible goal

Incredible goal - Typical Brazilian Footballer - He does it every day - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (8)

One of my legs is actually jus...

One of my legs is actually just a hologram. It give me a rather e-femural sensation.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (5)

The manager of a large office ...

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (6)

Funny Photo of the day - CLASSIC: Using the Boat Ramp FAIL

CLASSIC: Using the Boat Ramp FAIL | Source : Fail blog - Epic Fail Pictures and Videos of Owned, Pwnd and Fail Moments
  • Currently 5.89/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (9)

A number of new Air-Force recr...

A number of new Air-Force recruits were being taken on their first training flight.

The plane had just leveled out after taking off when one of the engines seized up, and another began smoking badly.

Adjusting his parachute, the instructor strove for nonchalance as he made his way to the hatch door.

"Now I want you men to keep perfectly calm," he said, "while I go for help."
#joke
Joke | Source: Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
  • Currently 4.83/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (6)

Skip a Day

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.11/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (9)

Find a famous person

Find the first and the last name of a famous person. Text may go in all 8 directions. Length of words in solution: 9,8.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Have Long Marriages


Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage.
They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.
The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

#joke #short #friday
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.33/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (9)

Taliban TV Guide

Taliban TV Guide

MONDAYS:

8:00 - "Husseinfeld"

8:30 - "Mad About Everything"

9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"

9:30 - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"

10:00 - "Allah McBeal"

TUESDAYS:

8:00 - "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"

8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says Its Right"

9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"

9:30 - "Afganistans Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"

10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"

WEDNESDAYS:

8:00 - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"

8:30 - "Bowling For Food"

9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"

9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"

10:00 - "Veilwatch"

THURSDAYS:

8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"

8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"

9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"

9:30 - "My Two Baghdads"

10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"

FRIDAYS:

8:00 - "Judge Laden"

8:30 - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"

9:00 - "Who Wants To Execute A Multimillionaire"

9:30 - "Achmeds Creek"

10:00 - "No-witness News"

#joke #friday #monday
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (25)

Christopher Titus: Drunk Driving Lecture

Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasnt a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (32)

Good Advice

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.
My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives.The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!
Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.
Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was on 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family.
"And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.
"It makes your pecker look bigger."
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 07 December 2010
  • Currently 3.30/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (10)

A drunk walks into a crowded b...

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?" The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself." The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"

The drunk says, "'Cause I'm not finished yet..."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 23 October 2009
  • Currently 5.14/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (51)

Substitute at the Pearly Gates

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 29 June 2009
  • Currently 4.13/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (16)

Socks...

A young man and a young woman were soon to be married, but they both had a problem they had never told anyone else about. The man approached his father one day before the wedding and told him about his problem. His feet REALLY stunk, even if he washed them constantly, he was worried that this would scare off his new bride, so he needed a solution, fast. His father pondered the situation and finally told his son to wear socks constantly (even to bed) and always wash his feet whenever he got a chance. The son thought about this and went along happy.

The same day the young lady approached her mother and told her about her problem. Her morning breath was horrid. Her mother reassured her and told her everyone had bad morning breath. The young woman told her mother that this was not normal morning breath but easily the worst in the world. The mother thinks about this and comes up with this bright idea. She tells her daughter to get up earlier than everyone else and don't say a thing, go make breakfast and then brush her teeth while the others are eating. The young woman thinks and then runs off to get ready for the wedding, happy.

The couple is married and they are happy, him with his perpetual socks and her with her morning silences. One morning about 5:30 am the young man wakes up to find one sock missing. He starts rustling around in the bed looking for it, which of course wakes up his wife, who without thinking asks what's wrong.

With a look of shock on his face the young man says, "OH MY GOD! You've swallowed my sock!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 17 June 2009
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (20)

Hang your @

Home is where you hang your @.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 17 June 2009
  • Currently 3.63/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (19)

John Heffron: School Luggage

They dont have backpacks anymore; they all have that rolling luggage crap now. Every time they get home, it looks like theyre checking into a hotel. Hi, how are ya? What time does the shuttle leave for soccer?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 17 June 2010
  • Currently 5.22/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (9)

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"Don't make me come down there!" --GOD

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 17 June 2010
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (6)

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