Jokes of the day for Saturday, 18 June 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 18 June 2011
  • Currently 9.64/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (90)

Chuck Norris is the reason why...

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.06/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (32)

Cure for lateness

Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

“Boss,” he said, “The pill my doctor prescribed actually worked!”

“That's all fine,” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: everything zoomer - For Boomers, Zoomers, 50+ seniors, and Retired People Everywhere, used to have fresh Joke of the day daily
  • Currently 3.33/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (6)

A turtle: whe...

A turtle: when your stool has a thick outer casing.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (4)

QUESTION: Why did the chicken ...

QUESTION: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Answers:
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Fox Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.
Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.
Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Dirk Gently (Holistic Detective): I'm not exactly sure why, but right now I've got a horse in my bathroom.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
M.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.
George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Plato: For the greater good.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.
Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Saddam Hussein #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens.
Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed, I've not been told!
O.J.: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Funny Photo of the day - Bad Reception

Bad Reception - You might need bigger antenna | Source : Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 2.25/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (8)

Late Night

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us."
Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go," he said.
"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."
So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?"
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 2.80/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (5)

Two girls are watching a movie...

Two girls are watching a movie together in a theater. One girl leaned over to the other one and said, "Angie, the man next to me is masturbating!!"

"Just ignore him," replied her friend.

"I can't," she said. "He's using my hand!"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 3.33/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (6)

What a winning combination?

The computer chose a secret code (sequence of 4 digits from 1 to 6). Your goal is to find that code. Black circles indicate the number of hits on the right spot. White circles indicate the number of hits on the wrong spot.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Bush and Moses...

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long, flowing, white robe with a long, flowing, white beard and flowing, white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes, I am."

George W. asked him why he was so uppity, and Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

I Want To Appeal A Case

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."
Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?"
Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

#joke #short #lawyer
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.94/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (31)

Stop smoking

What the best way to get a guy to stop smoking after sex?

Fill his water bed with gasoline.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.29/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (17)

One night, a man on his way...

One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a street light. The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist. The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his watch. After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped. "About a half a block up the street," the drunk said. "Why, pray tell," the man asked the drunk, "are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?" The drunk replied, "The light is a lot better here."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 24 October 2009
  • Currently 5.80/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (40)

Looking Heavenward

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it.

She went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial.

After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment.Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently.

Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.

The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.

"It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 12 August 2009
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (12)

A Birthday Wish

Little Sonia was shouting her prayers. "Please God send me a new doll for my birthday."
Her mother, overhearing this, said, "Don't shout dear, God isn't deaf."
"No, but Grandad is, and he's in the next room," Sonia replied.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 18 June 2010
  • Currently 4.56/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (39)

Failed driving test

Q: Why did the blonde fail her driving test?

A: Because she was not used to being in the front seat.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 18 June 2009
  • Currently 3.97/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (31)

Surfing The Internet


Surfin' the Net

So I think I'm in the clear

the boss is no where in sight

I logon to the web and start to surf

and then my hair stands up with fright


the footsteps coming down the hall

are quickening in pace

there is no time to exit

no way to save my face


so I press the power button

and relax just a bit

there is no way he can tell

exactly what I hit


I act all surprised

don't know why my machine died

"simply unpredictable these

computers are!" I cried


"So we'll get you a new one

a computer that won't crash" he exclaims

Do you think he'll wonder

when the new one acts the same?





#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 June 2008
  • Currently 2.87/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (30)

Republicans Democrats


The difference between Republicans & Democrats
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.
The republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, He decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republicans pocket and gave him fifty dollars.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 18 June 2010
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (12)

Nothing personal....

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.

"It's not a reflection on you," insisted the church goer. "Ralph has been been walking in his sleep since childhood."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 June 2008
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

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