Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 12 July 2011
  • Currently 9.59/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (76)

Three mice are sitting around ...

Three mice are sitting around drinking and boasting about their strengths.

The first mouse says, "Mouse traps, Ha! I do pushups with the bar."

The second mouse pulls a pill from his pocket, swallows it, and says with a grin, "D-Con Rat Poison."

The third mouse finishes his drink, slams his glass on the table, and starts to leave.

The first mouse says, "Where do you think you're going?�

"Time to go home and chase the cat."
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (9)

Quick clean

Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom.

Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains.

It read, “Thank you for not looking in the bathtub.”

#joke
Joke | Source: everything zoomer - For Boomers, Zoomers, 50+ seniors, and Retired People Everywhere, used to have fresh Joke of the day daily
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (6)

Funny video of the day - Roundhouse kick by referee

Roundhouse kick by referee - No one seen this coming - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 3.56/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (9)

Baseball players, aka ...

Baseball players, aka lumber jocks.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (3)

Three mice are sitting around ...

Three mice are sitting around drinking and boasting about their strengths. The first mouse says "Mouse traps, Ha! I do pushups with the bar". The second mouse pulls a pill from his pocket, swallows it, and says with a grin "D-Con Rat Poison". The third mouse finishes his drink, slams his glass on the table and starts to leave. The first mouse says, "Where do you think you're going?”
"Time to go home and chase the cat”
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (8)

Funny Photo of the day - Classic: We’re Ready For Those Zombies

Classic: We’re Ready For Those Zombies | Source : That will buff out - funny auto escapade
  • Currently 4.60/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (10)

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"Get a Taste of religion. Lick a Hindu."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 4.38/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (8)

A stagecoach bounced down a ru...

A stagecoach bounced down a rutted road, heading for Dallas. In the coach were a Texan, a very busty lady, and a greenhorn from the East. The greenhorn kept eyeing the lady. Finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you ten dollars for a blowjob."

The Texan was appalled. He pulled out his pistol, shot the greenhorn right between the eyes, and shoved his body out the door. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, sir, for defending my honor!"

The Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! Just trying to keep down inflation. Around here, a blowjob goes for two dollars."
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 2.57/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (7)

Calculate the number 9712

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 9712 using numbers [3, 7, 4, 6, 16, 962] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Sounds more like a nightmare...

An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, " Wow! You wouldn't believe the dream I had..."

The wife replies, "Yes, go on tell me."

So the husband says "I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married."

The wife says, "Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare."

The husband says, "No, I am sure it was a dream."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

How to Produce Ugly Children

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A: Ask your Mom.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.39/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (33)

Lewis Black: Absolute Faith

You cant deny the faith of these people that we fight: its absolute. They believe that if they kill themselves, theyll be met in heaven with 70-some-odd virgins. Imagine that kind of faith -- to think that that would happen, when I havent met one on earth.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.48/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (31)

New Priest in Town

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese.
One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's . There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 May 2011
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (3)

Answering Machine Message 225


(Oriental voice:) Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's residence. I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan. (Godzilla scream.) Oh no! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at gong and Chan will call back if house still here.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 April 2010
  • Currently 3.91/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (34)

Three old men were sitting aro...

Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."
The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."
Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At around 6:30 am I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 17 November 2009
  • Currently 5.92/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (51)

Password Problem

A guy did system support in a law firm. One day, he had to

log a user off and then back on. He entered her initials and

then she gave me her password.

Her password was "genius".

After three tries and the system telling him "access

denied," he asked her how to spell it.

She said, "G - E - N - I - O - U - S."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 12 July 2009
  • Currently 5.42/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (12)

Quiet

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said "Stay here and be very quiet. I'll be across the field." A little while later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking, "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I panicked..."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 12 July 2010
  • Currently 6.30/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (10)

Long-Distance Calls

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued by a sign which read: "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the Pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The Pastor explained that the golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God. The man thanked the Pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, San Diego, Chicago, Greensboro, Tampa and all around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign and got the same answer from each Pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the Pastor.
"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone. I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents. Why?"
The Pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now... It's a local call."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 12 July 2009
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (10)

You might be a redneck if 50

You might be a redneck if...

You think cur is a breed of dog.

People hear your car long before they see it.

Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.

Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.

Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".

You've ever hitchhiked naked.

You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.

Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 12 July 2008
  • Currently 6.78/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (9)

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