Jokes of the day for Thursday, 21 July 2011

Every time Chuck Norris smiles...

Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he's roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.

Two strands of DNA were walkin...

Two strands of DNA were walking down the street.
One says to the other, "Do these genes make me look fat?"

Ten-mile march

One month into Marine Corps training in San Diego, we were preparing for a ten-mile march in 100-degree weather when a jeep drove up with a large radio in the back.

“Who knows anything about radios?” our drill instructor asked.

Several hands went up, and anticipating a ride in the jeep, recruits began listing their credentials. Everything from a degree in communications to a part-time job in a repair shop was declared.

The DI listened to all the contenders, then pointed to the most qualified. “You,” he barked. “Carry the radio.”

Funny Punny Names

Some Like it Sweet: Sugar Kane
Oh What A Relief It Is: Al Kaseltzer
New Mexico Tour Book: Albie Kerky
I Was A Son Of A Buccaneer: Rich Kidd
The Palace Roof has a Hole: Lee King
Lawn Care: Ray King
Exercise on Wheels: Cy Kling
I Hate the Sun: Gladys Knight
Teach Me!: I. Wanda Know
Better Mental Health: Cy Kosis
Breaking the Law: Kermit A. Krime
NHL Hockey: Stanley Kupp
Those Funny Dogs: Joe Kur
I Like Weeding Gardens: Manuel Labour
How to Overcome Stress: R.E. Lachs
Care For A Chop?: Marsha Larts
Fallen Underwear: Lucy Lastic
Military Rule: Marshall Law
Cut the Grass!: Moses Lawn
Manana: Stew Layt
To be Honest: Frank Lee
The Lady Pirate: Peg Legg
Pain in My Body: Otis Leghurts
The Phillipine Post Office: Imelda Letter
Theft Among Arthropods: The Lieutenants
Not a Guitar!: Amanda Lin
Holmes Does It Again: Scott Linyard
Bring to the Grocer's: R. List
Classic Groceries: Chopin Liszt
The Effects of Alcohol: Sir Osis of Liver
Employment Handbook: Ernie Living
How to Break In: Jimmy De Lock

A man placed an ad in the clas...

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."

Urologist Appointment

I had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was the size of a small auditorium, and it was filled with patients.
I approached the desk and gave the receptionist -- a large, imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. In a very loud voice she repeated my name, then said, "Yes, I see your name here-----you want to see the doctor about IMPOTENCE, right?
I was stunned, but recovered my composure sufficiently to reply in an equally loud voice, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation---and I'd like the same doctor who did yours!!"

Roses are red,
violets are...

Roses are red,
violets are blue.
I'm in love,
But not with you.
When we broke up,
You thought I cried,
But alls it was...
was another guy.
You told your friends
I was a trick,
I told mine,
You had a weak dick.
I said "I love you"
You thought it was true,
But guess what baby???
You Got Played Too!!!

Skin canoes....

Three men are found in the wilderness by civilized cannibals. The men are led to a gravesite next to the water. The chief says, 'We will kill you as a coward, or we will let you die honarable deaths for your homelands. You choose the weapon. Either way, your skins will be used to make our canoes.'

The first man, a soldier at heart, asks for a handgun. With this, he recites the Pledge and shoots himself. He is carried off. The next man asks for a sword. A warrior at heart, he uses a Japanese katana to commit seppuku as a Japanese man.

The last man asks for a fork.

'A fork? asks the chief?'

But it's his dying wish, so they hand him the fork. He stabs himself repeatedly in the chest, and yells, 'I HOPE YOUR CANOE SINKS!!'

swimming

there was a blonde, bernett and a red-head on a broken ship. it takes two miles to get to shore, so the bernett swims 1 mile and drowns the red-head swam 1 mile and got eaten by a shark then the blonde swam 1 mile got tired and swam back

Eugene Mirman: Good Father

I dont have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

Jump Rope

Did you hear the joke about the jump rope? Neah! Skip it!

This duck walks into a conveni...

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?"

The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes!

I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?"

The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

Knock Knock...

Q: HOW MANY ZEN BUDDHISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Three. One to change the lightbulb, one NOT to change the lightbulb, and one to neither change nor not change the lightbulb.

Rory Albanese: Least Respected Place

Im from Long Island, which is the least respected place in the world. I travel all over the country. I could be in the middle of Omaha doing something and the guy comes up to me and says, Hey, whered you grow up? Im like, Long Island. And hes like, Loser. Really? I grew up 22 miles from Manhattan; you lost your virginity to corn. I feel like I win that round. Im like, Ive seen the ocean. Game over.

5 Stages of Being Drunk

Stage 1 - SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe.

You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.

At this stage you are always RIGHT.

And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG.

This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you.

You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.

Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.

You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar.

You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets.

It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.

You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.

This is because nothing can hurt you.

At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.

You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.

At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.

You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.

You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know allthe words.

A guy is walking down a beach ...

A guy is walking down a beach in Saudi Arabia and sees a lamp. He picks it up, rubs it and out pops a Genie.

The genie says, "I will grant you three wishes, but since I know you hate your mother-in-law I will give her twice as much.

The guy thought about it and said, " I wish for $10,000,000.

The genie said, "OK, but I have to give your mother-in-law $20,000,000. Poof, it was done. "What is your second wish?"

"I wish for 50 pounds of the worlds finest gems", says the guy.

"I shall grant your wish but I must give your mother-in-law 100 pounds of the worlds finest gems". Poof, it was done. "And your final wish would be???"

The guy thought about it and replied, "I wish you would beat me half to death".

An elderly couple had dinner a...

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating,the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went
out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend
it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name
of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we
went to last night?'

Rich is better

I've been rich and I've been poor... Believe me, rich is better!