A police recruit was asked dur...A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said: "Call for backup."
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.
She moaned to her mom and brother, “Nobody loves me … the whole world hates me!”
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: “That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you.”
Funny video of the day - Cherry bomb coctail
A police recruit was asked dur...A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you
had to arrest your own mother?"
He said: "Call for backup."
A couple had been debating the...A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less.
"And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
So he thought and thought then...
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday, due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service. Please send your donations to the 'Think before you say things to your wife foundation', Dallas, Texas.
Real Advertisements 03
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Russ Meneve: Unprovoked Shark AttacksThere were 79 unprovoked shark attacks last year. Unprovoked -- do we need that word in there? Are there people provoking shark attacks? Is there some dick from Jersey in the water: Hey shark, you freakin lookin at me? You got a problem or somethin? I got somethin for you to bite right here!
Which is a winning combination of digits?
Church Cake!Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this — especially all the ladies who bake for church events
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.
She said, “Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake.”
So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom … a roll of toilet paper.
She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.
Alice was beside herself.
The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.
After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, “What a beautiful cake!”
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,
“Thank you, I baked it myself.”
Tech lineThe prime minister of India was at the White House.
One embarrassing moment was when President Bush said to the prime minister, 'Could you take a look at my computer?'
'I'm having some problems with it, I can't seem to get through on the tech line.'
The new minister's wife had a ...The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family.The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.
When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.
Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood and shouted out,"Having children is an act of God!!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them."
Odd Rabbi Out
"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
Auctions and golf...
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf.
The other night, as they slept, the golfer yelled, "Fore!"
His wife yelled back, "Four and a quarter !"
I Won!A blonde walked in a diner and orders a cup of coffee. When
she gets her drink, she notices that it has a "contest game
piece" on the side of the cup. She peels off the sticker and
instantly starts screaming, "I won a motor home!" She
continues shoulting, "I won a motor home!" until the waitress
decides to get her boss.
"What's the problem here?" the manager asks.
"I won a motor home!" she shouts again.
"That's impossible!" he replies. "We didn't give out motor
She says "Well, it says so on this sticker."
The boss takes the sticker and reads it. It says:
"Win a bagel."
Sad sad AustraliansAn Aussie student was walking on campus one day when another Aussie rode up on a shiny new bicycle.
'Where did you get such a nice bike?' asked the first.
The second Aussie replied,
'Well, yesterday I was walking along minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."'
The first Aussie nodded approvingly.
'Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted.'
Signs of a Bad Secretary
Signs of a Bad Secretary
She has a hard time alphabetizing a bag of M&M's.
She doesn't get the hang of Post-it Notes.
You have to frequently scrape White-Out off her computer monitor.
At the board meeting for which she is recording the minutes, she stops the proceedings to ask, "What did fatso say?"
Your customers come around only during her lunch period; they peek around the door asking, "Is the coast clear?"
When she gets low on typing paper she asks you what to do; you tell her to use copy paper. She then takes a blank piece of typing paper and puts it into the copy machine and makes 10 copies.
She rolls her hosiery to just below the knee and keeps it there by tying it in a knot.
The Ringling Brothers Clown College announces that she has won a prize for her original make-up.
She tries to fax chocolate chip cookies to her daughter in college.
She staples her thumbs together more frequently than once a week.
Types 60 words per minute.......but not in English.
She wears White-Out for nail polish.
Tour Bus DriverA tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts.
When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?"
"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied.
"We just love the chocolate around them."