For years he thought he was damn good in bed,till he found out
his girlfriend had asthma !
Phil had just joined a club af...Phil had just joined a club after his friend had recommended it (being a member for quite some time).
They were sitting at the bar having their beers when someone yelled "21" and there was a small uproar of laughter. A few minutes later someone else yelled "34" and another roar of laughter rose up.
Phil, confused about this, asked his friend "Why is everyone laughing at the numbers being called out?"
His friend said, "well we've been telling the same jokes for so many years that we just numbered them all, and if you want to tell a joke, you just call out a number."
Phil nodded and said "Can I try?" His friend nodded, and Phil called out "121" and everyone in the club roared with laughter, and it didn't die down for at least another 15 minutes after.
"Why did everyone laugh so hard at that joke?" Phil asked.
His friend said with a small chuckle "We haven't heard that one before."
Funny video of the day - Cat VS Dog. Wrestling Match.
My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection since she drove all over the country. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, “He doesn't like men.”
“Perfect,” my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.
Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.
Did Snoop Dogg admire Mussolin...Did Snoop Dogg admire Mussolini? Fascizzum.
A drunken man walked up to a p...A drunken man walked up to a parking meter and puts in some change. The meter goes up to sixty and he says, "Hey, I lost 100 pounds!"
One day in the future, Bill Cl...One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
So the devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Bill.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Clinton took this in in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
Very Bad Private Eye
The Top Signs That You've Hired A Bad Private Eye
- Considers reading "The Hardy Boys Mysteries" actually helpful reasearch.
- He has a pet basset hound named "Flash" that acts as his trusty assistant.
- His best disguise is wearing a hat.
- Keeps getting confused and follows you all the time.
- Won't read any messages without his trusty decoder ring.
- Dresses up like Jessica Fletcher from "Murder She Wrote" when he thinks he's caught the suspect.
- Well, he's blind.
3 little boysThree little black boys sitting on a porch. The first
little black boy says, "What would you do with a million
dollars?" The second boy said, "I'd buy that blue Cadillac
over there." The third little boy said, "I'd buy the pink
Cadillac siiting over there." Then the third little boy
asked the first what he'd do with the money. The first boy
replied, "I'd cover myself in hair." The other two asked
"why?" and he said because my sister has a(2" x 2") patch of
hair and she owns both those Cadillacs!
Mark Gross: Can You Help?A couple days ago, I was crossing this bridge, and there was this character standing there with a cup in his hand. He goes, Hey, can you help out my wife and family? I said, Sure. And I pushed him off the bridge.
Church Cake!Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this — especially all the ladies who bake for church events
Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.
She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.
She said, “Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake.”
So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom … a roll of toilet paper.
She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.
Alice was beside herself.
The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.
After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.
Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, “What a beautiful cake!”
Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,
“Thank you, I baked it myself.”
A man phones home from his off...A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."
The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.
A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"
The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great...but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't...I put them in your tackle box.
Relatives of yours?
A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"
"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."
The maids revenge
Just after the maid had been fired. She took five bucks from her purse, she threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!
You might be a redneck if 28You might be a redneck if...
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
There once was a man who was so proud of the fact that he had six kids that he insisted on calling his wife "mother of six."
His wife hated this name and asked him repeatedly not to call her that, but he was a stubborn man and was very proud that he had six kids.
One evening they were at a dinner party for his company and it was getting close to the time that they should be leaving. The husband yelled from across the room over to his wife, "mother of six, are you ready to go?"
Annoyed with his question, she responded, "In a minute, Father of four."
Mike Birbiglia: Heard About ItTechnologys moving so fast, man. Its to the point where you can make stuff up, and people will believe you. You can be like, You seen the new Sony Teleporter? People will be like, No, but I heard about it. I end up saying that all the time -- No, but I heard about it. It means I havent heard about it, but I like you.
Just before the funeral servic...Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it