Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 09 August 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 09 August 2011
  • Currently 9.66/10

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Weather For The Dogs

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's raining. If the dog is
standing there really soaking wet, it is raining very hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave
the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,
THE CAT

#joke
Joke | Source: everything zoomer - For Boomers, Zoomers, 50+ seniors, and Retired People Everywhere, used to have fresh Joke of the day daily
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (6)

Chuck Norris once ordered a st...

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.11/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (36)

Funny video of the day - Planking Fail Compilation

Planking Fail Compilation - Planking - They are doing it wrong - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 3.40/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (5)

Looking over the log book kept...

Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, I noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC.

I asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant.

He laughed as he told me it meant "Problem In Chair, Not In Computer."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

An Accident Report

I ...

An Accident Report

I am writing in response to your request for “additional information.” In block number 30 of the accident report form, I put “poor planning” as the cause for my accident. You said in your last letter that I should explain more fully. I trust that the following detail will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot antenna tower. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the pole at the tip of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools.

You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken clavicle.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly on the rope in spite of the pain. At about the same time however, the barrel hit the ground. The bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed 20 pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might guess, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations or my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of tools, and fortunately only three vertebras were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind.

I let go of the rope…
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
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Rating: 4.3/10 (7)

Funny Photo of the day - Coupon FAIL

Coupon FAIL | Source : Fail blog - Epic Fail Pictures and Videos of Owned, Pwnd and Fail Moments
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Rating: 3.9/10 (9)

A husband and wife are waiting...

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!"

The blind man eplies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus, so shut the hell up!!!!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
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Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Great To Be A Woman


Reason's why it's great to be a woman

  1. Free drinks.
  2. Free dinners.
  3. Free movies.
  4. Speeding ticket? What's that?
  5. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
  6. If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.
  7. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
  8. You can sleep your way to the top.
  9. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
  10. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
  11. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
  12. Brad Pitt.
  13. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
  14. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
  15. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
  16. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
  17. You have the ability to dress yourself.
  18. If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.
  19. You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
  20. You can quickly end any fight by crying.
  21. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
  22. There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.
  23. You've never had a goatee.
  24. You'll never regret piercing your ears.
  25. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
  26. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
  27. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.


#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
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MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A-B-C

The aim is to place the some numbers from the list (16, 17, 22, 24, 25, 30, 54, 55, 60, 69, 79, 88) into the empty squares and squares marked with A, B an C. Sum of each row and column should be equal. All the numbers of the magic square must be different. Find values for A, B, and C. Solution is A-B-C.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

A collection of insults!

If you were a swine, you would be what you are now!

You say that you are always bright and early. Well, OK!! We know you are early.

A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.

You're nobody's fool. Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you.

They say no woman ever made a fool out of you. So who did?

You're very smart. You have brains you never used.

You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

Eventually, you will get what you asked for.

Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the derrick?

You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that what you tell me are lies!

You have a good weapon against muggers -- your face!

You are the answer to my prayer!! I prayed to find out if things could get worse!!

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.70/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (10)

Kumail Nanjiani: Hogwarts Curriculum

Heres my only thing with Harry Potter... They go to this school, and they take classes like Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions and Divination, but they should be taking math also, right? Why are there no math teachers at Hogwarts? Or history, or geography? Theyre getting tested on Care of Magical Creatures -- never heard of the Holocaust.
#joke
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.88/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (32)

Shortest poem in the world

Ba Ba black sheep have u any wool..?
Sheep: no FXXXk off
<
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Daily Jokes - Database of funniest jokes
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Rating: 4.6/10 (7)

For 25 Cents

One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

The thief then went through Murphy's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.

“Was that all you wanted?” Murphy replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in me shoe!”

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.79/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (24)

The Lawyer at the Pearly Gates

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let her through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and figuring heaven didn’t REALLY need all the odors this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?” But the trash man had just seen the movie, too, and he answered, “about 1,500.”
“That’s right! You may enter,” said Peter.
Then St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, “Name them.”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 10 August 2010
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Rating: 4.7/10 (26)

There was a blonde. She had nev...

There was a blonde. She had never been horseback riding and decided to try, even though she had no prior expierience. So the blonde gracefully mounted the horse. The horse started off at an easy gallop,the blonde thought she was doing quite well. When all of a sudden she began to slip! She tried to grasp the horses mane but it was too slick! So she decided to jump to safety....so she jumped, but her foot was caught in the sturrup! She was at the mercy of the horses feet, and right before she was knocked unconcious.... the manager of wal-mart walked out and turned the horse off
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 15 December 2009
  • Currently 5.19/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (47)

Darn flies...

Joe said, "Know what, Charlie? I killed 5 flies yesterday, 3 males and 2 females."

"How could you tell them apart, Joe? asked Charlie.

"Joe replied, "It was easy. The 3 males were sitting ono a case of beer, and the 2 females were on the phone."

#joke #short #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 31 August 2008
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (12)

A guy was driving when a polic...

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" 
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" 
The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" 
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 09 August 2010
  • Currently 5.79/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (28)

A woman went to the doctors of...

A woman went to the doctors office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and told her to go relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded,

"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 09 August 2010
  • Currently 4.89/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (9)

Blonde in a Snow Storm

A blonde got stuck in a snowstorm and started to panic.

Then she remembered that her father had told her to wait for

a snow plow to come and plow the road in front of her if she

ever got stuck in a snowstorm. Then follow the plow to

safety. So she waited until a snow plow finally came, and she

followed it.

After about an hour and a half the guy driving the snow plow

stopped and asked the blonde what she was doing.

She told him what her father told her. He shrugged his

shoulders and said "Well, okay, I'm done with K-Mart's

parking lot, would you like to follow me to Sears?"

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 09 August 2010
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

Yo Mama So Ugly

yo mama so eglu even canbales are afard of her.
#joke #short #yomama
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 09 August 2008
  • Currently 3.63/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (8)

Visiting A Barber


A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 09 August 2009
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Rating: 2.8/10 (8)

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