Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 09 August 2011

Weather For The Dogs

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's raining. If the dog is
standing there really soaking wet, it is raining very hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave
the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,
THE CAT

Chuck Norris once ordered a st...

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

Looking over the log book kept...

Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, I noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC.

I asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant.

He laughed as he told me it meant "Problem In Chair, Not In Computer."

An Accident Report

I ...

An Accident Report

I am writing in response to your request for “additional information.” In block number 30 of the accident report form, I put “poor planning” as the cause for my accident. You said in your last letter that I should explain more fully. I trust that the following detail will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot antenna tower. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the pole at the tip of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools.

You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken clavicle.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly on the rope in spite of the pain. At about the same time however, the barrel hit the ground. The bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed 20 pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might guess, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations or my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of tools, and fortunately only three vertebras were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind.

I let go of the rope…

A husband and wife are waiting...

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!"

The blind man eplies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus, so shut the hell up!!!!"

Great To Be A Woman

Reason's why it's great to be a woman

1. Free drinks.
   
2. Free dinners.
   
3. Free movies.
   
4. Speeding ticket? What's that?
   
5. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
   
6. If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.
   
7. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
   
8. You can sleep your way to the top.
   
9. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
   
10. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
    
11. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
    
12. Brad Pitt.
    
13. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
    
14. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
    
15. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
    
16. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
    
17. You have the ability to dress yourself.
    
18. If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.
    
19. You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
    
20. You can quickly end any fight by crying.
    
21. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
    
22. There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.
    
23. You've never had a goatee.
    
24. You'll never regret piercing your ears.
    
25. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
    
26. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
    
27. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.
    

A collection of insults!

If you were a swine, you would be what you are now!

You say that you are always bright and early. Well, OK!! We know you are early.

A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.

You're nobody's fool. Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you.

They say no woman ever made a fool out of you. So who did?

You're very smart. You have brains you never used.

You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

Eventually, you will get what you asked for.

Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the derrick?

You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that what you tell me are lies!

You have a good weapon against muggers -- your face!

You are the answer to my prayer!! I prayed to find out if things could get worse!!

Kumail Nanjiani: Hogwarts Curriculum

Heres my only thing with Harry Potter... They go to this school, and they take classes like Defense Against the Dark Arts and Potions and Divination, but they should be taking math also, right? Why are there no math teachers at Hogwarts? Or history, or geography? Theyre getting tested on Care of Magical Creatures -- never heard of the Holocaust.

Shortest poem in the world

Ba Ba black sheep have u any wool..?
Sheep: no FXXXk off