Jokes of the day for Thursday, 11 August 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 11 August 2011
  • Currently 9.66/10

Rating: 9.7/10 (88)

It's all in the punctuation: <...

It's all in the punctuation:

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (6)

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace ...

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 2.17/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (12)

Funny video of the day - Ultimate Batting Practice

Ultimate Batting Practice - Dude smashes pitchbacks like a video game. - link to page video is posted initially.
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Rating: 3.5/10 (6)

Market manners

At the supermarket, a man noticed a woman with four boys and a baby. Her patience was wearing thin as the boys called out, “Mommy! Mommy!” while she tried to shop.

Finally, she blurted out, “I don't want to hear the word mommy for at least 10 minutes!”

The boys fell silent for a few seconds. Then one tugged on his mother's dress and said softly, “Excuse me, miss.”

#joke
Joke | Source: everything zoomer - For Boomers, Zoomers, 50+ seniors, and Retired People Everywhere, used to have fresh Joke of the day daily
  • Currently 3.20/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (5)

I was run over by a sports car...

I was run over by a sports car. Now I have Corvetture of the spine.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

Funny Photo of the day - LADY GAGA

LADY GAGA | Source : Very Demotivational - Posters That Demotivate Us
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Rating: 2.4/10 (12)

How Many Motivational Speakers?

Imam Mahdi Funny: Hey, Mahahaharaj.
Swami Mahahaharaj: Yes?
Imam Mahdi Funny:
How many motivational speakers does it take to change a light bulb?
Swami Mahahaharaj: Hmmm...I don't know. How many?
A. One to do it, and every other one on earth to stand around saying that they did it first in the 80s.

#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 2.25/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (8)

Standard Interface

Two programmers walked along the street. They saw a beautiful blonde not far away and one of them said, "Too bad that girls has no standard interface."
"They have," replied the other programmer, "but there is no standard way to get to it."
#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.88/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (8)

Chess Knight Move

Find the title of novel, using the move of a chess knight. First letter is S. Length of words in solution: 4,2,7.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Walrus and Tupperwar

What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common? They both like a tight seal.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.10/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (20)

Brendon Walsh: Bathroom Break

Ever been at your job and you get so bored and sick of doing it that you just go to the bathroom to hang out? You dont even need to go. You just want a change of scenery for a little bit.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.05/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (21)

End of the World Headlines

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: JON AND KATE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: ‘BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW “ARMAGEDDON” DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

TIME magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 3.89/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (9)

There was a competition to cro...

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 17 December 2009
  • Currently 4.96/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (57)

Anytime you see a young man op...

Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 22 October 2009
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (13)

Rosebuds...

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 02 September 2008
  • Currently 2.57/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (7)

One day, in line at the cafete...

One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Stan replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at WalMart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to WalMart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Bob hurries back to WalMart, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab...
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

And, as always, thank you for shopping at Walmart.
#joke #doctor #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 June 2008
  • Currently 3.40/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (5)


A cocky State Highways em...


A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 August 2010
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (25)

On a tropical island

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman

Two French men and one French woman

Two German men and one German woman

Two Greek men and one Greek woman

Two English men and one English woman

Two Polish men and one Polish woman

Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

Two American men and one American woman

Two Australian men and one Australian woman

Two New Zealand men and one New Zealand woman

Two Irish men and one Irish woman

One month later the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend

respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving - but at least the taxes are low and it's not raining.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for further instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men after calling them both 'bloody wankers'.

Both the New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few bottles of coconut whisky, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 11 August 2009
  • Currently 4.24/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (25)

Proud daddy...

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.

"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.

A few days later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "10 pounds."

The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?

The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 August 2010
  • Currently 5.18/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (11)

Another...

Another Lesson in Managment

A crow was sitting on a tree doing nothing all day.

A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered, "Of course, help youself."

So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.

Suddenly a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing you must be sitting very, very high up.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 11 August 2008
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (9)

One day in Contract Law class,...

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, 'Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?'

The student replied, 'Here's an orange.'

The professor was livid. 'No! No! Think like a lawyer!'

The student then recited, 'Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 11 August 2009
  • Currently 4.22/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (9)

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