Jokes of the day for Monday, 15 August 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 15 August 2011
  • Currently 9.54/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (56)

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ rea...

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on


The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 4.60/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (5)

Chck Norris listens to "Requie...

Chck Norris listens to "Requiem for a Tower" when he eats waffles.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.71/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (21)

Funny video of the day - Scooters Fail Compilation

Scooters Fail Compilation - Funny and not so funny scooter fails - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (6)

T-Shirt Slogans

I childproofed my house, but they still get in.

On the front: 60 is not old.
On the back: …If you're a tree.

My reality check just bounced.

Life is short, make fun of it.

I'm not 50. I'm $49.95 plus tax.

I'm not a snob. I'm just better than you are.

It's my cat's world. I'm just here to open cans.

Keep staring…. I may do a trick.

We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it's gone.

Every time I hear the word “exercise”, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

#joke
Joke | Source: 50Plus.com - For Boomers, Zoomers, 50+ seniors, and Retired People Everywhere, fresh Joke of the day daily
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

What I don't do…

1. I don't do windows because … I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

2. I don't wax floors because … I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves. I'll feel terrible and they may sue me.

3. I don't mind the dust bunnies because …. they are very good company. I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

4. I don't disturb cobwebs because . I want every creature to have a home of their own and hubby loves spiders.

5. I don't Spring Clean because … I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.

6. I don't plant a garden because … I don't want to get in God's way. He is an excellent designer.

7. I don't put things away because … my husband will never be able to find them again.

8. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because … I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

9. I don't iron because … I choose to believe them when they say “Permanent Press”.

10. I don't stress much on anything because …

“A Type” personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

Funny Photo of the day - Error Message FAIL

Error Message FAIL | Source : Fail blog - Epic Fail Pictures and Videos of Owned, Pwnd and Fail Moments
  • Currently 3.90/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (10)

These days all airlines offer ...

These days all airlines offer services such as wifi and  Sky pee.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.13/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (8)

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ real...

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on


The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 2.67/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (3)

Find the 7 letters word

Find the 7 letters word. Word may go in all 8 directions.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Internet Axioms...

1. Home is where you hang your @.

2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C: is the root of all directories.

8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don't byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. Virtual reality is its own reward.

19. Modulation in all things.

20. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

21. There's no place like home.com.

22. Know what to expect before you connect.

23. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

24. Speed thrills.

25. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and
he won't bother you for weeks.

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 2.67/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (3)

Research Mammals


A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and had recently focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise, which they studied from their floating laboratory off the coast of Baja Mexico. They came to believe that, if fed just the right combination of nutrients, this particular porpoise could, in theory, live forever.
To put this to the test, they studied the world's flora and fauna to see if any naturally occurring organism would fit the bill. They finally narrowed the selection down to an unusual species of mynah bird, and they sent a team of researchers off to gather a specimen.
It turns out that the mynah bird in question was quite rare, living only in a single tree in Kenya. The research team finally arrived at the tree to capture a bird, only to find that the tree was surrounded by a pride of very hungry lions, precluding any reasonable attempt to approach and climb the tree.
A suggestion was made that the lions might be manageable if they could be fed, and a couple of fat cape buffalo were captured and offered to the lions. The hungry lions devoured the hapless beasts and lay down upon the grass to digest their meal.
One of the researchers then gingerly tiptoed past the lions, climbed the tree, and had little difficulty capturing one of the mynah birds. He climbed back down the tree and walked past the lions to rejoin the group when a game warden appeared and arrested him for (what else)...
"Transporting mynahs across sated lions for immortal porpoises."

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 1.80/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (5)

98 Legs

What has 98 legs & 23 teeth?

The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

Pete Holmes: The Museum

I dont care about the museum, I only care that people think Im the kind of guy who goes to museums.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.04/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (27)

A professor of chemistry wante...

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 21 December 2009
  • Currently 5.04/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (54)

Why Jesus Was Jewish

Of course Jesus was Jewish. He was 30-years-old, lived with his parents, worked in the family business, and his mom thought he was God's gift to earth.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member labratcat

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 30 September 2009
  • Currently 3.78/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (9)

A little old lady called 911. ...

A little old lady called 911. When the operator answered she yelled, "Help! Send the police to my house right away!

There's a damned republican on my front porch and he's playing with himself."

"What?" the operator exclaimed!

"I said there is a damned republican on my front porch playing with himself! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.

"Ma'am, how do you know he's a republican?"

"Because, you damned fool, if he were a democrat, he'd be screwing somebody."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 19 May 2009
  • Currently 2.67/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (3)

an explorer in the deepest Ama...

an explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm fucked."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT fucked. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living shit out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Okay . . . NOW you're fucked."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 15 August 2008
  • Currently 5.12/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (42)

Dents

A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ...
"HELLLLO" "You need to roll up the windows"
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 15 August 2010
  • Currently 6.16/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (25)

A woman rushes into the foyer ...

A woman rushes into the foyer of a large hotel and sprints up to reception, she hammers on the bell.

‘Yes,’ says the receptionist irritably.

‘Excuse me,’ says the woman, ‘but I’m in a frightful hurry, could you check me out, please?’

The clerk stares at her, looks her up and down.’Not bad,’ he smiles, ‘not bad at all.’
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 15 August 2010
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (18)

Back Seat Necking

The Kentuckian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car.

"Want to go in the back seat?" she asked.

"Nope", he replied.

A few minutes later she asked, “Now do you want to get in the back seat?”

"No, I don't", he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 15 August 2010
  • Currently 5.22/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (9)

Jeffrey Ross: Sexually Transmitted

Wouldnt it be great if our bodies were designed so that instead of bad things, good things could be transmitted through sex? Like skills. Oh baby, Im gonna do you til you can juggle. Oh my God, dont stop til Im a carpenter, computer programming, air conditioner refrigeration, auto mechanic -- whatever the hell Sally Struthers says in that commercial. How was your date last night? You get lucky? I think my resume speaks for itself.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 15 August 2010
  • Currently 5.88/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (8)

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