Man: Is this seat empty?
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Funny video of the day - Win Luck Compilation July August 2011
Getting the Children Ready
During the cold winter a family was preparing to go out for an evening activity. The wife, who was normally bustling about getting the children ready to leave, was this evening instead standing right inside the front door, her arms full of coats.
And instead of being prepared to leave, her four small children were busy running circles around her playing one of their non-stop games of tag.
Her husband, coming down the stairs, was shocked at the spectacle.
“Honey,” he said, “What are you doing just standing there? We'll be late!”
“Here,” his wife replied, handing him the coats with a smug smile, “I thought that this time you would like to have the privilege of putting the children into their coats, while I go and honk the horn.”
I don't usually water my...I don't usually water my grass in the morning, but I guess I'm lawn over dew.
A man died and his wife phoned...A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead." The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words." The woman answered, "OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale."
The out-of-state couple are ca...The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet.
The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.
"That's OK with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for the fire."
About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue.
"What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks.
"Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!"
"Damn those trouble-makers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts.
He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.
"Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue!" he shouts.
A huge redneck, about 6'-8," steps forward, a shotgun in his hand. "I did it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?"
The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry."
Find the right combination
A couple had been married for 35 years, and the pair was also celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.
The wife said she wanted to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her magic wand and BOOM! The wife had the tickets in her hand.
Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said boldly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The fairy godmother picked up her wand and BOOM! He was now 90.
You Might Be A Redneck If 35
You might be a redneck if...
You smoke during your deer hunt after scent-proofing yourself all month.
A tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater.
You've got to shuck your toilet paper before you use it.
You have an autographed picture of Bob Barker in your wallet.
You think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for roadkill.
You shot your own 12 point coat rack.
You've been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.
The number of times you've seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.
Any of your neighbors has ever spent Halloween night at the bottom of a hole because you moved their outhouse back about four feet.
You've ever lost a dog to a bush hog.
The Football MomsThree Italian mothers were attending a football game. Each had a son playing on the same team. At the start of the game, the first boy saw his opportunity, grabbed the ball and running quickly, out-foxed the opposing team, making the first touchdown. His mother, obviously proud of her son, sprang from the bleachers, shouting in her broken Italian accent, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna da Pet milk. Ain't he-a fine?"
Soon, the second boy received the ball and in a spectacular run down the field, made another goal for the team. Not wanting to be outdone by the first boy's mother, the second boy's mother jumped from her seat, exclaiming, "Thatsa *my* boy!! I raised him onna da breast milk. Ain't he-a wonderful?"
The third boy, hadn't done so well, but finely someone threw him the ball. He fumbled it, then recovered...running in the wrong direction, fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled again, dropped it once more, recovered it and finally crossed the goal line on the wrong end of the field. The third Italian mother couldn't stand it any longer. Rising from her place in the stands, she shouted, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna Milk of Magnesia. Ain't he-a the shits?"
Maria Bamford: 30 Ways to Shape UpThirty ways to shape up for summer -- number one: eat less; number two: exercise more; number three... What was I talking about? Im so hungry right now.
Low BridgeA truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said “low bridge ahead.”
Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he could not avoid getting stuck under the bridge. You could say that he got a “Truck Wedgie.”
Cars were backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, “Got stuck, huh?”
The gutsy truck driver said, “No officer, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!”
A blonde and a redhead met in ...A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, 'I'll take that bet!'
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said 'I can't take this, you're my friend.'
The blonde said 'No. A bet's a bet'.
So the redhead said 'Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money'.
The blonde replied, 'Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!'
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is the Crucifix."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, " My name is Tommy and I am Baptist and this is a casserole."
Converting to the Society of Friends
Rabbi 1: We've got to do something. Many of the young people in our synagogue are converting to the Quaker faith.
Rabbi 2: I've noticed that too. In fact, some of my best Jews are Friends!
Dumb Johnny is sitting i...
Dumb Johnny is sitting in class. His teacher, Miss Izakunteetair hates Dumb Johnny. She always puts him in the back of the class and can't stand dealing with him 'cause he's such a fuckin' idiot.
Miss Izakunteetair: OK children, today's word is definitely. Can anyone show me that they know the definition of the word 'definitely' by using it in a sentence?"
A few of the kids raise their hands, including Dumb Johnny who seems very impatient and eager to answer the question. The teacher calls on Suzie instead. Suzie answers " The grass is definitely green." The teacher responds, "Well, we can't say that that's definitely true because sometimes the grass is brown so, good try but...anyone else?" Again, several student hands go up, including
Dumb Johnny's. The mean ol' teacher makes a point of not choosing
Johnny. She instead calls on Jake, another jerk. Jake says, "My Mom is definitely the best cook in the world!" Teacher "Well, that's your opinion. There are other people who think that their Mom is the best cook in the world. It's true for you but it may not be true for everyone so we can't say that it's 'definitely' true." Johnny is still raising his hand eagerly and never being called on. All the kids try and all the kids fail until the Teacher has no choice, she finally calls on Dumb Johnny. "Oh all right! Johnny. Tell me something that's definitely true." Dumb Johnny says, "OK. But first I have to ask you a question." Teacher (sighing) "Whaaat?"
Johnny "Do farts have lumps?" Teacher "Of course not! Everyone knows that! Farts do not have lumps!" Johnny "Oh, OK. Then I definitely shit my pants."
Mr. GorskyOn July 20, 1969, As Commander Of The Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong Was The First Person To Set Foot On The Moon.
His First Words After Stepping On The Moon, "that's One Small Step For Man, One Giant Leap For Mankind," Were Televised To Earth And Heard By Millions.
But Just Before He Reentered The Lander, He Made The Enigmatic Remark "good Luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many People At Nasa Though It Was A Casual Remark Concerning Some Rival Soviet Cosmonaut.
However, Upon Checking, There Was No Gorsky In Either The Russian Or American Space Programs.
Over The Years Many People Questioned Armstrong As To What The "good Luck, Mr. Gorsky... Statement Meant, But Armstrong Always Just Smiled.
On July 5, 1995, In Tampa Bay , Florida , While Answering Questions Following A Speech, A Reporter Brought Up The 26-year-old Question To Armstrong. This Time He Finally Responded.
Mr. Gorsky Had Died, So Neil Armstrong Felt He Could Answer The Question.
In 1938 When He Was A Kid In A Small Mid-west Town , He Was Playing Baseball With A Friend In The Backyard.
His Friend Hit The Ball, Which Landed In His Neighbor's Yard By The Bedroom Windows.
His Neighbors Were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky.
As He Leaned Down To Pick Up The Ball, Young Armstrong Heard Mrs. Gorsky Shouting At Mr. Gorsky.
"Sex! You Want Sex?! You'll Get Sex When The Kid Next Door Walks On The Moon!"