Jokes of the day for Saturday, 20 August 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 20 August 2011
  • Currently 9.43/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (53)

Knowing Your Spouse

One of the funniest memories I have of the trials and tribulations of making the journey from childhood to adulthood was our annual summer vacation trek from Chicago to a cabin usually someplace on a lake in Wisconsin or Michigan.

Every year, it seems, we would get on a highway a few miles out of the city, and mom would wail, “Oh my goodness! I think left the iron on.” And almost every year we would turn around and go back. But as I recall, not once was it was ever plugged in. She often had the same fear that all our earthly possessions would disappear in a fire caused by her forgetfulness.

When I was about 14 years old, we were headed out of Chicago for Lake Geneva, Wisconsin and, sure enough, Mom gasped, “I just know I left the iron on.”

My father didn't say a word, just pulled over onto the shoulder of the road, got out, opened the trunk and handed her the iron.

#joke
Joke | Source: everything zoomer - For Boomers, Zoomers, 50+ seniors, and Retired People Everywhere, used to have fresh Joke of the day daily
  • Currently 6.13/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (8)

Glenn Wool: Uncle Sam

You know who Uncle Sam is, hes that goat-faced dude who dresses like Apollo Creed. Hes always pointing at you. He wants you. Is that really the imagery we should be listening to? An uncle who looks like hes about to touch you? Uncle Sam wants you to keep a secret.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.10/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (29)

Funny video of the day - Mexican Fans Freaking Out Because A Justin Bieber Concert Sold Out

Mexican Fans Freaking Out Because A Justin Bieber Concert Sold Out - Justin Bieber Fans Are Scary Spanish Children Freaking Out Because A Justin Bieber Concert Sold Out! - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 2.71/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (7)

A lady walks into the drugstor...

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

"Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"

"To kill my husband."

"I can't sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.

The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist's wife.

He takes the photo, and nods. "I didn't realize you had a prescription!"
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 4.71/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (7)

Jupiter's Great Red Spot isn't...

Jupiter's Great Red Spot isn't a storm. It's where Chuck Norris puts his victims.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 4.29/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (31)

Funny Photo of the day - Will Power Is Now A Meme

Will Power Is Now A Meme | Source : That will buff out - funny auto escapade
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

Finance jokes-Sell it all

A man calls his stockbroker all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says, "Sell it all, sell everything fast, right away." The stockbroker tries to explain that the market is cyclical in nature and that for long term outlook stocks still remain the place to be.
The man says, "Let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5 years."
"Yes, go on," the stockbroker says.
"Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the great crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the stock market and always leave all our money under the mattress."
"Wow, I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because the market is going down, in case she asks for it."
"No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days."
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, w...

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

Chess Knight Move

Find the country and its capital city, using the move of a chess knight. First letter is S. Length of words in solution: 5,5,3,5,10.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Two words....

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head's office. He's a friendly guy and, on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations.

While I was in his office, I asked him, "Sir, what is the secret of your success?"

He said, "Two words."

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"But how do you make right decisions?"

"One word," he responded.

"And, Sir, what is that?"

"Experience."

"And how do you get experience?"

"Two words."

"And, Sir what are they?"

"Wrong decisions."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (5)

Programmer Defined

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know

you had in a way you don't understand.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 2.50/10

Rating: 2.5/10 (8)

Low Bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said “low bridge ahead.”

Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he could not avoid getting stuck under the bridge. You could say that he got a “Truck Wedgie.”

Cars were backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, “Got stuck, huh?”

The gutsy truck driver said, “No officer, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!”

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 5.86/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (35)

A young blonde was on vacation...

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 26 December 2009
  • Currently 6.36/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (58)

A Swiss man, looking for direc...

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. “Excusez-moi, parlez vous Fracais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.” “Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 04 October 2009
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

A Collection Of Insults


A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.


Batteries not included.
Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
Been playing with his wand too much.
Been playing with the pharmacy section again.
Been short on oxygen one time too many.
Been using her head as a mass driver.
Blew his O-rings.
Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
Blocked one too many hockey pucks / soccer balls / punches with his head.
Blown/leaking head gasket.
Born a day late and like that ever since.
Born during low tide in the gene pool / swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
Born ugly and built to last.
Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
Brain is running on empty.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 17 September 2009
  • Currently 2.40/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (5)

When Life Begins

There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of exactly when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 18 May 2009
  • Currently 5.75/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (8)

Bee Inconspicuous

Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit."
"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?""Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 20 August 2010
  • Currently 4.93/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (29)

Answering Machine Message 19


(MacIntosh Plus with MacIntalk program:) Hello, it's obvious you have bad timing, because nobody is home. Please leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message in a voice similar to mine, and your call will be returned as soon as humanly possible.





#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 20 August 2008
  • Currently 5.14/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (14)

Nude Beach

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 20 August 2008
  • Currently 7.17/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (6)

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