Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 24 August 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 24 August 2011
  • Currently 9.45/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (62)

While getting a checkup, a man...

While getting a checkup, a man tells his doctor that he thinks his wife is losing her hearing.

The doctor says, "You should do a simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say 'honey?’ Move 3 feet closer, and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds. Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is."

About a month later, the same guy is at the doctor again, and the doctor asks, "Well, did you do that experiment with your wife's hearing?”

The man says "yes."

"How close did you get before she answered?"

"Well, by the time I got about 3 feet away, she just turned around and said, "For the FIFTH TIME... WHAT???"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (5)

All roads lead to Chuck Norris...

All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.78/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (9)

Funny video of the day - Changing a car tire while the car was spinning

Changing a car tire while the car was spinning - Terry Grant Stunt Show - do not try this at home - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 4.57/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (7)

Funny jokes-Survivor

Network TV is reported to be developing a Texas version of "Survivor," the popular TV show.
Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock.
Each will be driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I voted for Kerry, I'm gay, and I'm here to take your guns."
The first contestant to complete the round trip is the winner.
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 2.25/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (4)

Rough landing

A career Army officer I once met was jumpmaster for his unit and was taking up a few novices for a drop. The flight was pretty rough, and after a while, the jumpmaster called off the jump because of high winds. As the plane headed back to base, and the pilot pulled off an unusually smooth landing, two of the neophytes got airsick.

“How come you could take that rough flight, but you couldn't handle the smooth landing?” asked the jumpmaster.

“Well, Sir,” one trainee explained, “we've always jumped out of planes. We've never actually landed before.”

#joke
Joke | Source: everything zoomer - EverythingZoomer.com is the lifestyle site for the discriminating
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

Funny Photo of the day - Dobby?! You Survived?!

Dobby?! You Survived?! | Source : This is Photobomb - Photojackers of the World Unite!
  • Currently 3.25/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (8)

The State Employee Handbook

SICK DAYS

You will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink the Slim Fast.

DRESS CODE

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right were you needed to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases were employee involvement is necessary, that funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the toilet. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the toilet door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category.

Thank you for your loyalty to our great state. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Thank you, The Governor

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (4)

If you go to Medieval Times an...

If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (4)

CINEMANIA: Guess the movie title

See negative of movie scene and guess the title. Length of words in solution: 3,9
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

A man goes to an optician aski...

A man goes to an optician asking for help about his shortsightedness.
The optician invites the man to go outside the shop, points to the sun and asks the man what that is. The man somewhat stunned replies obviously: that’s the sun! Thereafter the optician asks: but how far do you want to see?

#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 2.25/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (4)

How many children...

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he`d put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (5)

Robert Schmidt 11


The museum boasted owning the original version of Beethoven's unfinished basement.
What are imitation rhinestones?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Let's say you stuff a cat's tail up his ass until it peeks out of his mouth, and you give the tip of its tail a sound yank. Would the cat turn inside out?
I recently changed my name to Resident Occupant. The local post office would like to speak with me but they're not sure where I live. Last week they used a barge to deliver my mail. But I don't think I'm getting it all. So if you happen to see any of it...
I'm getting a tattoo. It's going to be all over my whole body--a tattoo of myself. Only taller.
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "woman".
I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
My neighbors don't like it when I talk to my plants ... I use a megaphone.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.70/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (10)

A doctor is complaining to a mechanic...

A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.13/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (38)

Kevin Hart: When You Lost a Fight to Your Woman

One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. Thats how you know it didnt go as you planned.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 July 2011
  • Currently 4.85/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (53)

A Birthday Wish

Little Sonia was shouting her prayers. "Please God send me a new doll for my birthday."
Her mother, overhearing this, said, "Don't shout dear, God isn't deaf."
"No, but Grandad is, and he's in the next room," Sonia replied.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 18 June 2010
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (46)

A man walked into a therapist&...

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited.

Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 10 February 2010
  • Currently 6.67/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (9)

Two blondes were in a parking ...

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.

The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 30 December 2009
  • Currently 5.30/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (57)

Chemistry Song 04


Silent Labs
Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Observations of colors and smells
Calculations and graph curves like bells
Memories of tests that have past
Oh, how long will chemistry last?
Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Lots of equations that need balancing
Gas pressure problems that make my head ring
Santa Chlorine's on his way
Oh, Please Santa bring me an 'A'.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 24 August 2010
  • Currently 3.54/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (13)

Did you hear about the terrori...

Did you hear about the terrorist who hijacked a courtroom full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour until his demands were met.
#joke #short #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 24 August 2008
  • Currently 4.13/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (8)

A MAN was out walking in the c...

A MAN was out walking in the country when he saw a little girl struggling to drive a cow along the road.
He asked her what she was doing and she said: "I've got to take this cow to the bull."

"Couldn't your father do that?" asked the man.

The little girl replied: "Oh no, it has to be the bull."

Craig Black
Stenhouse.

An elderly man was reminiscing to his young granddaughter about his wartime experiences.

He said: "I fought in Africa, in Italy and in Germany. I fought with Montgomery, with Wavell and with Alexander."

His granddaughter looked up at him and said: "Couldn't you get on with anybody, Grandpa?"

Alex Paterson
Lochend Road
Edinburgh

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

A teacher says "Spit that gum out", but a train says "Chew chew".

John Allen
Portobello

What do you call a fairy who never takes a bath?

Stinkerbell

Karen Crawford
Leith Walk

If you have a joke you would like to share with us, send it by e-mail to: letters_en@ edinburghnews.com



The full article contains 184 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
Page 1 of 1

  • #joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 24 August 2008
  • Currently 5.14/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (7)

A carrier pigeon stopped to re...

A carrier pigeon stopped to rest on the window sill in the Pentagon building. Close behind him came another pigeon who stopped off to talk. “Where you going?’ asked the second pigeon. “To section M to deliver an order,” answered the first. “What’s the number of the order?” “234XZY-Q78955-421YYTX,” replied the first. “Better get a move on,” said the second. “I got an order to rescind it.”
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 24 August 2010
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (7)

Jokes Archive

NOTE: All jokes on this web site are property of the sites they are collected from. Web site Jokes of the day is not responsible for content of jokes. We are not trying to offend, just looking for a good laugh!! If you are offended by any of the jokes, please complain to the site jokes are coming from.
This site uses cookies to store information on your computer. Some are essential to help the site properly. Others give us insight into how the site is used and help us to optimize the user experience. See our privacy policy.