Jokes of the day for Monday, 29 August 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 29 August 2011
  • Currently 9.60/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (67)

His pediatrician asked six-yea...

His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV ads...
" Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?”

“A box of Tampax,” he replied without hesitation.

“Tampax?” said the doctor. “What would you do with that?”

“Well,” said Johnny, “I do not know exactly, but it’s sure worth two dollars. With Tampax, it says on TV you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to.”
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (4)

Ninjas want to grow up to be j...

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (11)

Funny video of the day - 500 People in 100 Seconds!

500 People in 100 Seconds! - 500 people holding more than 1,500 (!!!) developed pictures all around Israel, creating a smooth music video within their hands. - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 3.42/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (12)

Really funny jokes-Three Spanish tourists

Three Spanish tourists are up in a tree in Mexico when a policeman sees them.
"What are you doing up there?
Come on men, get down. Let's not have any of you falling and getting hurt!"
The guys get down ... "Ok. Now, who are you?"
"Wow, what a memory! We are the Spanish dudes from the tree!"
#joke #policeman
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (6)

Skim milk

To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods; including skim milk. When she said her family would only drink whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked, one morning, whether the milk was okay.

“Sure, it's fine,” my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. “Why do you ask?”

“Because according to the bottle,” the daughter explained, “this milk expired a year ago.”

#joke
Joke | Source: everything zoomer - For Boomers, Zoomers, 50+ seniors, and Retired People Everywhere, used to have fresh Joke of the day daily
  • Currently 6.43/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (7)

Funny Photo of the day - RED VINES

RED VINES | Source : Very Demotivational - Posters That Demotivate Us
  • Currently 3.27/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (11)

Misusing the relative pronoun ...

Misusing the relative pronoun is a slippery slope, and can end in whomlessness.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.80/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (5)

A new miracle doctor was in to...

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."
Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.
"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.
So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"
Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (8)

Guess the Band Name

Which musician band has an album with a cover as in the picture?
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"Where will you spend eternity: Smoking or Non-Smoking?"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

A blonde, a brunette and a red...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."

Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."

Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"
#joke #blonde
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 3.53/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (15)

Vanity Insanity...

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Mommy Mommy 01


Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.


Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.


Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sister's guts.
Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.


Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.


Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquent child?
Shut up and pass me the crowbar.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.31/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (13)

Put it back

What do you do in case of fallout?

Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 2.63/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (32)

John Mulaney: Blacking Out

I had a problem because I was blacking out all the time. And I went and I talked to my doctor, and he said, Its not that you drink too much, its just that after a couple of major blackouts, you blackout easier and easier after that. So, I would just have a couple of drinks, and my brain would be like, OK, I see where this is headed. Were just going to power down now and get restarted sometime tomorrow morning.
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.29/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (14)

A Horoscope For The Workplace

Astrology tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out…

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a degree,” you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with “customers” so you can ” concentrate on the big picture.” You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the heck can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest “ergodynamic” gadgets.

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/”TEAM LEADS”: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Middle Managers,” as everyone in your social circle is a “Middle Manager.”

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Senior Managers,” as everyone in your social circle is a “Senior Manager.”

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service.” Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to date your boss.

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (20)

A young man wanted to get his ...

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?"
She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?"
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 04 January 2010
  • Currently 5.27/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (52)

Kathleen Madigan: Figure Skating

I always wanted to be a figure skater as a kid, too, that was like my fantasy dream. But whenever I watch it, I think I would have totally done it alone. I dont know how these people have enough control over the tempers to be working with a partner. Because if I worked with some guy for 15 years, and we got to the Olympics, and out of nowhere he just fell -- oh, Id skate around just to chop off his fingers. I would, and I would not feel bad about that -- ever. Now when youre nubbing your cereal spoon in the morning, you can look at that box and remember why were not on it.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 August 2010
  • Currently 4.57/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (21)

Nice sheepy...

A Montanan is driving down the road and suddenly sees this Californian hitch hiking. He pulls over offers him a lift and down the road they go. After a few miles they come across this sheep with its head stuck in a fence. The Montanan immediately pulls over and jumps out to check out the situation. After a minute he yanks out his dick and begins ramming the sheep from behind.

After awhile of doing this he calls out to the Californian who is still in the car, "Hey, you wanna give it a shot?"

The Californian shrugs his shoulders and says, "sure." He gets out of the car approaches the sheep and then sticks his head in the fence.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 August 2010
  • Currently 5.31/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (13)

Quiet in church...

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 29 August 2008
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

Money From God

A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA," they decided to send it to President Clinton. The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. Mr. Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5, and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to God which read "Dear God, Thank you for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C., and as usual, those bastards deducted $95."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 29 August 2010
  • Currently 6.56/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (9)

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