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Jokes of the day for Friday, 02 September 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 02 September 2011
  • Currently 9.53/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (64)

After the baby was baptized, h...

After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car.

"What's the matter Johnny?" asked his concerned mother.

Johnny replied: "That man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home... I just want her to stay with you guys."
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 4.83/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (6)

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his l...

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he dares his grass to grow.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.91/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (46)

Funny video of the day - Peru- Worlds fastest cigarette rolle

Peru- Worlds fastest cigarette rolle - In Peru we saw this machine of a man rollin cigs. Pretty crazy - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 3.80/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (10)

Hilarious jokes-American Tourists

How Many American Tourists Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?
Fifteen.
Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking" local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (6)

A Little Help

An elderly man is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to
reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for a moment, the man crosses the street, walks up behind the little fellow, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

“Ding Dong”

Crouching down to the child's level, the old man smiles and asks, “And now what, my little man?”

To which the boy replies, “Now we run!”

#joke
Joke | Source: everything zoomer - EverythingZoomer.com is the lifestyle site for the discriminating
  • Currently 5.80/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (5)

Funny Photo of the day - The Force Is Strong in This One

The Force Is Strong in This One | Source : This is Photobomb - Photojackers of the World Unite!
  • Currently 3.92/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (13)

Broken Window

There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a base- ball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. “How do you suppose this ball got in here?” I asked the boy.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, “Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!”

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 5.45/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (11)

Any plans to float a common cu...

Any plans to float a common currency are eurozoneous.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.30/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (10)

FLEX WORDLE

FLEX WORDLE Guess the WORDLE in 3 tries. After each guess, the color of the tiles will change to show how close your guess was to the solution.
Source: Genius Brain Teasers - Jokes Of The Day Partner

A man who's wife was pregnant ...

A man who's wife was pregnant couldn't bear to be in the delivery room at the time of the birth.
So he thought he'd ring up later to see if it had come yet.
He rang up and the nurse said "it's a girl but theres another one on the way"
he rang again later and the nurse said "it's another girl but there's another coming"
he rang once more and the nurse said " it's a boy but there's another coming"
He couldn't stand it any more so he went to the pub and got drunk.
An hour later he was really nervous. He was dialling the hospital, hands shaking, and accidently dialled the sports line. he asked " how many did we get mate" the person said "198 all out.... and the last one was a duck"
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (6)

Miracle worker...

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked, humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years.

The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.

Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared, and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried, defensively, "DON'T TOUCH ME! I'm on long-term disability!"

#joke
  • Currently 5.86/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (7)

Two Fools Are About To Go Flying


Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.
After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.
Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."
The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.71/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (7)

Brendon Walsh: WMD Penis

My last girlfriend used to call my penis what I thought was a big, powerful, scary nickname. She was calling it a weapon of mass destruction. Sounded cool, but then I found out she was calling it that because she thought my penis was really hard to find.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.73/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (52)

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"My other vehicle is the mahayana."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 20 December 2010
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (12)

"Now, this story certainl...

"Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. ... But it also raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. ... moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land, or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted - it's just not worth it." -- Jon Stewart
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 05 November 2010
  • Currently 4.11/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (9)

A wife woke in the middle of t...

A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up in the corner, of the basement,... crying like a baby. "Honey, what's wrong?", she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant and your father threatened me to either marry you or to go to jail?"
"Yes, of course," she replied.
"Well, I would have been released from jail this afternoon!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 08 January 2010
  • Currently 5.92/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (66)

Failed driving test

Q: Why did the blonde fail her driving test?

A: Because she was not used to being in the front seat.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 18 June 2009
  • Currently 4.28/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (39)

A Roll Of The Dice

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady wearing a huge fur coat walked in and asked if she could bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

The dealers said yes and were happy to oblige.

She then said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'll feel much luckier if I take off my coat." With that, she took off her coat and was wearing a skin-tight Wonder-woman outfit!

The men looked her up and down as she leaned over the table, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Come on baby, come on!"

She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling "YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!" With that, she picked up her winnings and quickly left.

The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, "What the heck did she roll anyway?"

The second dealer answered, "I don't know. I thought you were paying attention!"

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 02 September 2010
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (37)

Turbulent Times

A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"
He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 02 September 2009
  • Currently 7.23/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (35)

A Canadian preacher was preocc...

A Canadian preacher was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play.
‘Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently. ‘But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.' During the service, the minister paused and said, ‘Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.'
At that moment, the substitute organist played, *'O Canada.'

*And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

=========

*Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
* *Give me the grace to see a joke,
* *To get some humour out of life,
* *And pass it on to other folk!*

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 02 September 2008
  • Currently 5.54/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (13)

The Technical Geek Test


Are you a tehcnical geek?
Do you have a problem with overdoing your technical activities? Many do. Take the following test to see if you are compulsive. If you can relate to 2 of the items, you may have a problem with Techno-Dweeb. If you relate to 3 or more, you are definitely a Techno-Dweeb. Do not despair! There is help! You are not alone! Whenever you feel the urge to code in Assembler, call the number in the white pages of your phone book, and we will send somebody right over to cut out paper dolls with you until the feeling passes.
You know you are a tehcnical geek when . . .
When your friend tells you all about his Cressida V6 and you reply "Yeah, I had V5, and it was full of bugs!"
When driving you see a license plate with the letters DSR, and you feel compelled to touch your bumper to the other car to see if you can raise CD.
When you are counting objects "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When you lay down in the afternoon for a short rest, end up sleeping 4 hours, and call it a "mega-nap".
When your friend is going to Essex for vacation and you tell her, "You really should go for the DX, it has the built in co-processor."
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When you convince yourself that Tetris really does improve eye-hand coordination.
When the radio traffic reporter talks about a backup caused by a crash, and you correct her that a backup is good protection in case of a crash.
When floppy drive applies more to your love life, and hard drive to your machines.
When you call "*.*" star-dot-star.
When you can do hexadecimal arithmatic in your head.
When your wife goes to the market for some macintosh apples, and you correct her, "No, dear, it's 'Apple Macintosh'."
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that stupid machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 02 September 2010
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (12)

Victor Varnado: Bathroom Adventure

I actually recently had this bathroom adventure. I went to this urinal to, you know, urinalate, and this guy comes to the urinal, like, right next to me. You girls probably dont know this, but if a guy comes to the urinal right next to you, and theres, like, plenty of other urinals to go to, you always glance over to make sure hes not looking at your stuff, right? Cause its yours. But the weird thing was that he glanced over and I glanced over at the same time, so we met eyes. I know -- that was weird. So, I kissed him.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 02 September 2010
  • Currently 5.08/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (12)

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