Jokes of the day for Sunday, 11 September 2011

A man takes his hamster to the...

A man takes his hamster to the vet, and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces it dead.

Not happy with the vet's diagnosis, the man asks for a second opinion.

The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.

"There" says the vet.” Your hamster is dead."

Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion.

The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head.

"It's definitely dead sir,"says the vet.

Convinced, the man inquires how much he owes.

"That will be $1000, please."

"A $1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead" fumes the man."

"Well," says the vet, "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan."

Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are...

Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

Really funny jokes-Degree of Urgency

I have contacts

A policeman pulled a female driver over and asked to see her license.

After looking it over, he said to her, “Lady, it stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses.”

“Well, I have contacts,” the woman replied.

“Look lady, I don't care who you know,” snapped the officer. “You're getting a ticket.”.

Circle Flies

After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible.

He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?”

The trooper paused to take another swat and said, “Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies.”

The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. “Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse.”

The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says, “Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?”

“Oh no, officer.” The farmer replies. “I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that.”

“That's a good thing,” the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer added, “Hard to fool them flies, though.”

Police marine units, aka ro...

Police marine units, aka row boat cops.

Government Philosophy: If it a...

Government Philosophy: If it ain't broke, fix it 'till it is.

Location...Location...Location

Benny had told all his friends about the delicious steak he'd eaten in the Delancey Street restaurant the day before. So they decided to go down there and see if it was really as large and delicious as he said. But, much to their disappointment, the waiter brought them the tiniest steak they'd ever seen.

"See here, my good man," Benny barked. "I was in this restaurant yesterday, and you served me a big, juicy steak, and now today, when I've organized a party and highly recommended this place, you serve such a small one."

"Yes, sir," replied the waiter. "But yesterday you were sitting by the window."

Lightbulb Joke Collection 43

Q: How many people about to move out of the city does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't bother, the neighborhood's been turning black anyway.
Q: How many humans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Not sure; I only know it takes only one to press the button which obliterates them all. The problem is estimating how many thousand years will be required to rediscover the technology to manufacture more and replace them.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function.
Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One: of course. Two to do it, and -1 to renormalise the wave-function. (Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something that has to be done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to stop the answer being infinity and makes the answer always come out as one.)
Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't. When they get the socket to hold still, they can't find it.
Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb.
Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.

Who drives you?

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about It?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

Felipe Esparza: Not a Threesome Body

I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body -- this is a tell nobody.

A drunk walks into a crowded b...

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After awhile, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?" The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself." The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"

The drunk says, "'Cause I'm not finished yet..."

Bless This Car

A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.
On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the priest asks.
The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.
The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.
"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.

There was an old guy wandering...

There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssco!"

Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle five."

"Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife."

"Your wife is named "Crisco?"

"Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we're out in public."

"Oh? What do you call her when you are at home?"

"Lard ass."

Kissing a Nun

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see if you qualify. #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady

Dan Naturman: Airplane Movie Safety

Last time I was on JetBlue, there was a dude next to me who looked a little suspicious. I was nervous. He was watching a movie, though; so Im thinking, Would a hijacker watch a movie? Probably not, right?... But you know its a good movie if you land, and hes like, Oh my God, I forgot to hijack the plane.

Starting At 8:05

A friend and I were golfing one day when at the 18th hole this guy comes out of nowhere and asks if he could join us. I tell him, "Well, we're just about done but if you want to join us tomorrow you can. We start at 8 o'clock."

He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:05..."

So next day he shows up at 8 o'clock and plays scratch golf; he was good. We were going to play again the next day and we invited him to join us. He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:05..."

So the next day he shows up at 8 o'clock, plays with his opposite hand, and shoots under par! I'm a bit amazed with this guy so I ask him, "You're a pretty good golfer, beating us with scratch golf and then showing-off by playing just as good with your opposite hand. Just what is you secret?"

He said, "Well...when I wake up in the morning and my wife is lying on her left side, I play left-handed. Or when I wake up in the morning and my wife is laying on her right side, I play right-handed."

So I ask, "what if she is laying on her back?"

"That's when I get here at 8:05."

Humor About The Irishmen

There is a story about the Irishman who drowned while he was digging a grave for a friend. He'd wanted to be buried at sea.

"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client.
"Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again.
"What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have."
"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds."
"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider.
"What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?"
"Ah, well now," said the lady,
"Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

#joke

Friendship between women:...

Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.