Jokes of the day for Monday, 12 September 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 12 September 2011
  • Currently 9.53/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (57)

"You know you are getting old ...

"You know you are getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

Chuck Norris' tears cure cance...

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (8)

Funny video of the day - Girls On Bikes Fail Compilation

Girls On Bikes Fail Compilation - Many funny girls failing - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

Funny jokes-Sign here

Louise went into her bank to cash a cheque. She looked so hesitant that the cashier went to help her. 'Please sign the back of the cheque, 'the teller told her, 'as you'd sign a letter.
'Louise looked extremely grateful, scribbled on the cheque and passed it back to the cashier.
Signed on the back was: 'Yours affectionately, Louise.'
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (6)

Worse Punishment?

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.

The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.

When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: “Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?”

#joke
Joke | Source: everything zoomer - For Boomers, Zoomers, 50+ seniors, and Retired People Everywhere, used to have fresh Joke of the day daily
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (2)

Funny Photo of the day - Break Time

Break Time | Source : Jokes photos - Used to be - WTF Pictures and WTF videos - but site no longer exists
  • Currently 4.58/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (12)

Real Smart

This one happened few years ago in Switzerland: A man went to a photo shop, had pictures taken, and – while the photographer developed the pictures – he took off with the cash register.

Leaving behind, of course, the pictures of himself.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (6)

Don't borrow a friend...

Don't borrow a friend's pants, even if you have diarrhea. You need to shart your own cords.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (6)

Find number abc

If bc46b + 93aa3 = ab0bc8 find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

"You know you are getting old ...

"You know you are getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (7)

Drunken argument...

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night. Look at that moon!"

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You are wrong. That's not the moon; that's the sun!"

Both continued arguing for awhile when they came upon another drunk walking along. So they stopped him and said, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk look at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (6)

Real News Headlines 11


These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters
Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based
Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

Doc Steadman

Two men were standing at adjacent urinals when one said to the other, "I'll bet you were born in Newark, Ohio."

"Why, that's right!" said the second man in surprise.

"And I'll bet you were circumcised when you were three days old."

"Right again. But how'd you....."

"And I'll bet it was done by old Doc Steadman."

"Well, yes, but how did you know?" asked the second man in amazement.

"Well, old Doc always cut them at a sixty-degree angle," explained the first guy, "and you're pissing on my shoe."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.68/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (31)

Mo Mandel: Bought But Never Used

Our high school coach got caught with meth at a game. And he told the school that he had bought it, but never used it. Ive never bought drugs and not used them. Right? Theyre not condoms.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.94/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (34)

E-mail Me a Prayer

I had been teaching my three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:
“Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some e-email. Amen.”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 31 December 2009
  • Currently 5.27/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (15)

One night, a man on his way...

One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a street light. The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist. The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his watch. After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped. "About a half a block up the street," the drunk said. "Why, pray tell," the man asked the drunk, "are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?" The drunk replied, "The light is a lot better here."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 24 October 2009
  • Currently 5.80/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (40)

Try To Explain Women

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 12 September 2010
  • Currently 5.42/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (33)

Signs Of Christmas

Toy ...

Signs Of Christmas

Toy Store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”

Bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”

Outside a church: “The Original Christmas Club.”

At a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale.
Come in and mangle with the crowd.”

A Texas jewelry store: “Diamond tiaras — $70,000.
Three for $200,000.

A reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”

In a stationery store: “For the man who has everything…
a calendar to remind him when payments are due.”

#joke #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 12 September 2008
  • Currently 4.28/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (25)

Pete Lee: Materialistic Girlfriend

I have a girlfriend. The only thing I dont like about her is that shes super materialistic... So we go out on this date the other night. The first thing she says to me -- no kiss hello, no nothing -- she just goes, Well, I wanna see how much money you can spend in a night, mister. So, I took her to a strip club.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 12 September 2010
  • Currently 5.62/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (13)

A man was walking along a Cali...

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from this lamp, blah blah blah, yada, yada, yada. I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about the first two. You only get one wish!"

The man sat down, and thought about it for a long while, and then said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very sea sick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed, and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish!!"

The man said OK, and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives have always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, my wish is that I could understand women...know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment or walk away...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie replied and said, "Sir, do you want that bridge to Hawaii with two lanes or four"???!!

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 12 September 2008
  • Currently 5.73/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (11)

The Parable of the Seagull

A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.
"Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked.
"He died and went to heaven," she replied.
The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back down?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 12 September 2009
  • Currently 4.45/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (11)

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