Jokes of the day for Thursday, 15 September 2011

It was the first day of school...

It was the first day of school after summer vacation.
The kids had all arrived in the high school sophomore English class and were chatting away, making new friends.

THEN… In walked a very stern looking English teacher and a hush fell over the room as the kids scurried to their seats.

The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids.
After about a minute or so, he spoke...

"From the outset, I want you all to know that there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom.
You cannot use them as you recite or in any of your papers, tests, or homework.
Using these words even once, will get you a failing grade for that quarter.

The first one is "gross."
And the other one is "cool."
Are there any questions?"

After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back of the room raises his hand, and the teacher calls upon him.

In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks...

"So, what are they?"

Chuck Norris has never been in...

Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?

Really funny jokes-More American humor

The Amazing Golf Ball

A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!”

The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it”

“It's a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose it!”

“Whattaya mean,” scoffs the golfer, “you can never lose it” What if you hit it into the water?”

“No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.”

“Well, what if you hit it into the woods?”

“Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.”

“Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?”

“No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!”

The golfer buys it at once. “Just one question,” he says to the salesman. “Where did you get it?”

“I found it.”

Some Really Good Questions

1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?'

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message “one slice?” How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It's all right?” Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot?”

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

It was the first day of school...

It was the first day of school after summer vacation.
The kids had all arrived in the high school sophomore English class, and were chatting away, making new friends.
THEN…In walked a very stern looking English teacher and a hush fell over the room as the kids scurried to their seats.

The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids.
After about a minute or so, he spoke...
"From the outset, I want you all to know that there are two words that are absolutely unacceptable in this classroom.
You cannot use them as you recite, or in any of your papers, tests, or homework.
Using these words even once, will get you a failing grade for that quarter.

The first one is "gross"
And the other one is "cool"
Are there any questions?"

After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back of the room raises his hand,
and the teacher calls upon him.
In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks...

"So, what are they?"

Biblical Financiers

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Knock Knock Collection 144

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ozzie!
Ozzie who?
Ozzie you later!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pablo!
Pablo who?
Pablo your horn!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pammy!
Pammy who?
Pammy the key, the door is locked!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paris!
Paris who?
Paris the thought!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Parton!
Parton who?
Parton my French!

Free sex

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex".

The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."

Aaron Karo: New Diet

I was reading about this new diet where youre not allowed to drink alcohol. Well, I read the first sentence at least.

A blonde, a brunette and a red...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."

Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."

Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"

A sweet little boy surprised h...

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so proud. Anxiously, he waited to hear the verdict. The grandmother in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee. As she forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."

Have faith...

A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.

"HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"

This man in a Ford Granada pul...

This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out — I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

Mo Mandel: Anti-Prius Driver

My goal this year is to buy a Prius so I can be the anti-Prius driver. Be like, Yeah, thats my Prius, the one with the gun rack and the McCain sticker on the back and the dead deer carcass roped to the hood. Wouldnt that be sweet? Driving around in a Prius, throwing garbage out your window? Its a Prius; I already helped the Earth, hippie!

A man takes his wife to the St...

A man takes his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They come up to the first pen and there is a sign that says "This Bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife pokes her husband in the ribs and says "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and see another pen with a sign that says "This Bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife hits her husband and says "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him"

They walk further and a third pen has a Bull with a sign saying "This Bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife gets really excited and says "That's once a day." You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband finally turns to his wife and says,
"Go up and ask him if it was with the same ol' cow."

Alien Abduction

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar enjoying themselves, when Ted walks in looking distressed.
"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.
Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk, and then somewhere between here and my house, I was abducted by an alien?"
Everyone is shocked. "I heard about this kind of thing happening!" Bills says. "What did the alien do to you?"
"I don't remeber all the details," Ted says. "All I remember is being anally probed by the alien."
Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"
Ted responds, "Carl."

Midget Surgery

There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his testicles ached almost all the time. As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem. The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough-the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" the doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. "Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.
The doc replied, "I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."