Jokes of the day for Sunday, 18 September 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 18 September 2011
  • Currently 9.63/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (104)

A nursery school driver was de...

A nursery school driver was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.

Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said Tommy.

"No," said Billy, "he’s just for good luck."

Peter brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs, he said firmly, to find the fire hydrants…."
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 5.75/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (8)

Death once had a near-Chuck-No...

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 4.45/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (11)

Funny video of the day - How To Pour Tea Like A Boss

How To Pour Tea Like A Boss - Try to do it at home! - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 3.39/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (18)

Hilarious jokes-Two bankers

Two bankers are in a bank when armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the bankers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their jewelry, wallets and watches.
While this is going on banker number one puts something in banker number two's hand. Without looking down, banker number two whispers, 'What is this?' to which banker number one replies, 'It's that $50 I owe you.'
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 3.86/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (7)

Position to pray

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

“Kneeling is definitely best,” claimed one.

“No,” another contended. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”

“You're both wrong,” the third insisted. “The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor.”

The repairman could contain himself no longer.

“Gentlemen,” he interrupted, “the best praying I ever did was hanging upside down from a telephone pole.”

#joke
Joke | Source: everything zoomer - For Boomers, Zoomers, 50+ seniors, and Retired People Everywhere, used to have fresh Joke of the day daily
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (4)

Funny Photo of the day - Nice Side-Car

Nice Side-Car | Source : Jokes photos - Used to be - WTF Pictures and WTF videos - but site no longer exists
  • Currently 4.13/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (15)

Four Engineers were traveling in a car...

There are four engineers traveling in a car;:
A mechanical engineer
A chemical engineer
An electrical engineer
A computer engineer.
The car breaks down.
“Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again”, says the mechanical engineer.
“Well”, says the chemical engineer, “it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system.”
“I thought it might be a grounding problem”, says the electrical engineer, “or maybe a faulty plug lead.”
They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: “Well, what do you think?”
“Ummm perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?”
#joke
Joke | Source: Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

The Sponge

In the doctors office two patients are talking.

“You know, I had an appendectomy last month and the doctor left a sponge in me by mistake.”

“A sponge!” exclaims the other. “Does it hurt much?”

“No…no pain at all,” says the first, “but…boy, do I get thirsty!”

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (6)

MAGIC SQUARE: Calculate A-B*C

The aim is to place the some numbers from the list (2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 19, 20, 21, 59, 93) into the empty squares and squares marked with A, B an C. Sum of each row and column should be equal. All the numbers of the magic square must be different. Find values for A, B, and C. Solution is A-B*C.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

There's an old proverb t...

There's an old proverb that recommends against circumcision: Spear the rod, spoil the child.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.33/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (3)

"Sir, I understand you ad...

"Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times," the judge said.

"Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied.

"What did you steal?" the judge asked.

"I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect.

"One dress?" the judge bellowed. "But you have admitted to breaking in four times!"

"Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect, "but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
  • Currently 2.80/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (5)

Launderette reunion...

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (6)

Tired sperm

Two sperms were swimming along when one says to the other "Man I'm getting tired, how far is it to the uterus anyway?"

The other sperm laughs and says "Uterus!, we aren't even through the esophagus yet."

Submitted by curtis

Edited by calamjo, Tantilazing and hottrouble1

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.61/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (38)

Thai Rivera: Paying Customer

I cant stand homeless people. I dont feel bad about saying it. I dont mind saying it because I give homeless people money. I give them more money than I should, so I feel, as a paying customer, I have a right to complain.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.85/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (27)

A nursery school driver was de...

A nursery school driver was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
‘They use him to keep crowds back,’ said Tommy.
‘No,’ said Billy, ‘he’s just for good luck.’
Peter brought the argument to a close. ‘They use the dogs, he said firmly, to find the fire hydrants….'
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 03 February 2010
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (5)

Better Than Botox?

Q. What's the name of a face lotion developed for Jewish women?
A. Oil of Oy Vey
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member BeliefnetSabee

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 02 December 2009
  • Currently 4.96/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (24)

Q. Why is it so hard for women...

Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 30 October 2009
  • Currently 4.97/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (58)

The Cesium Song 07


Yesterday,
I had Cesium with which to play.
Now all my fingers have been blown away.
And silence reigns since yesterday.
Suddenly,
I'm just half the man I used to be.
I have no eyes with which to see.
My legs have parted company.
Why she had to blow,
I don't know,
I can only say.
Something went awful wrong,
In the waterbed where we lay.
Yesterday,
Her sky blue path seemed such an easy way.
Now I know there is a price to pay.
Oh, I believed just yesterday.
---Songs of Cesium #117

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 October 2009
  • Currently 4.59/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (22)

A young man at this constructi...

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 
"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back." 
"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got." 
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 September 2010
  • Currently 7.27/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (30)

Cross eyed law

The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and he said to the first one, "so how do you plead?",

"Not guilty" said the second defendant.

"I wasn't talking to you" the judge replied.

"I never said a word" the third defendant replied.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 18 September 2009
  • Currently 7.10/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (10)

Warning: Pun Ahead

Some friars needed to raise more money for books for the school, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 September 2010
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

Breads for Crummy Sins

On the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, there is a ceremony called Tashlich. Jews traditionally go to the ocean or a stream or river to pray and throw bread crumbs into the water.
Symbolically, the fish devour their sins. Occasionally, people ask what kind of bread crumbs should be thrown. Here are suggestions for breads which may be most appropriate for specific sins and misbehaviors.
For ordinary sins.....................White Bread
For complex sins......................Multigrain
For twisted sins......................Pretzels
For sins of indecision................Waffles
For sins of chutzpah..................Fresh Bread
For committing auto theft.............Caraway
For timidity/cowardice................Milk Toast
For ill-temperedness..................Sourdough
For silliness, eccentricity...........Nut Bread
For war-mongering.....................Kaiser Rolls
For jingoism, chauvinism..............Yankee Doodles
For excessive irony...................Rye Bread
For erotic sins.......................French Bread
For particularly dark sins............Pumpernickel
For dressing immodestly...............Tarts
For causing injury to others..........Tortes
For being holier than thou............Bagels
For abrasiveness......................Grits
For dropping in without notice........Popovers
For overeating........................Stuffing
For pride and egotism.................Puff Pastry
For trashing the environment..........Dumplings
For telling bad jokes/puns............Corn Bread

#joke #newyear
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 18 September 2009
  • Currently 3.30/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (10)

Feel the Hot Burn of Shame!!!

Have you seen the hottest new Catholic porn film?
It's 10 minutes of sex and 50 minutes of guilt.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 18 September 2008
  • Currently 6.13/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (8)

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