Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 20 September 2011
  • Currently 9.54/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (74)

Hilarious jokes-Parrot in plane

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!"
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot".
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (7)

Okay, so a Texas rancher comes...

Okay, so a Texas rancher comes upon a farmer from Maine.

The Texan looks at the Mainer and asks, "Say, how much land you think you got here?"

Mainer: "Bout 10 acres I'd say."

Texan (boasting): "Well, on my lot, it takes me all day to drive completely around my property!"

Mainer: "Yep, I got one of them trucks too."
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 3.33/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (6)

Funny video of the day - Keith cleans the floor.

Keith cleans the floor. - As simple as that - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 4.42/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (12)

Chuck Norris can do a roundhou...

Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.82/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (11)

Dextrocardia

I went to a medical clinic for an electrocardiogram. While the technician was lining up her machine, I told her I have dextrocardia.

“What's that?” she asked.

“It means my heart is on the right side of my chest rather than on the left,” I answered. “You should set up your machine to accommodate that.”

As she attached the wires, she asked casually, “Tell me, have you had that for long?”

#joke
Joke | Source: everything zoomer - For Boomers, Zoomers, 50+ seniors, and Retired People Everywhere, used to have fresh Joke of the day daily
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (8)

Funny Photo of the day - Sunday Bunday: She Has Eyes in the Back of Her Head

Sunday Bunday: She Has Eyes in the Back of Her Head | Source : This is Photobomb - Photojackers of the World Unite!
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (14)

Math Class for Jimmy #joke #humor

The math teacher saw that little Jimmy wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Jimmy! what are 24, 11, 4 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "ESPN, FOX, NBC and the Nickelodeon!"
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Daily Jokes - A Clean Joke Everyday!
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (8)

Someone overturned my port-a-p...

Someone overturned my port-a-potty! So I pressed litigation, hiring lawyer John Flip Sues-a
#joke #short #lawyer
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.20/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (5)

Calculate the number 3898

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 3898 using numbers [8, 2, 5, 6, 75, 852] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Cured!

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for tendollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (7)

Research Bush


A researcher called G. W. Bush house in Austin.
G. W was sleeping in late and was awaken by the call.
He was half-asleep when he answered the phone.
Researcher: Excuse me, sir. I'm conducting a survey
GW Bush: Questions? No political questions.
Reseacher: Political, sir?
GW Bush: Do you know who you are calling?
Researcher: We call numbers at random, sir. May I ask --
GW Bush: What is this about?
Researcher: We are asking people do they think COKE beats PEPSI.
GW BUSH: I've never tried Pepsi. Is that a new thing?

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.91/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (11)

Yo Mama so old...

Yo Mama so old her social security # is 1.

#joke #short #yomama
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (24)

Jeff Dunham: Sissy-ness of the Law

Walter: I aint afraid of the cops around Santa Ana. You seen some of these guys? What, cops on bicycles? How intimidating is this: Alright buddy, pull it over. Ching-ching-ching? What do they do when they arrest somebody? Alright, get in the basket.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.93/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (30)

Things to Ponder

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, “Quit while you're ahead?”

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists — most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration…

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 6.37/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (27)

After the North American Beer ...

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"

The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 30 June 2010
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (7)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 01 November 2009
  • Currently 6.10/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (69)

Okay, so a Texan rancher comes...

Okay, so a Texan rancher comes upon a farmer from Maine. The Texan looks at the Mainer and asks, "Say, how much land you think you got here?" Mainer: 'Bout 10 acres I'd say." Texan (boasting): Well, on my lot, it takes me all day to drive completely around my property!" Mainer: "Yep, I got one of them trucks too."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 15 October 2009
  • Currently 6.30/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (10)

Ecumenical Greenbacks

My home church welcomes all denominations, but really prefers tens and twenties.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 13 May 2009
  • Currently 5.48/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (23)

Anthony Jeselnik: Gift for Who?

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me. And I said, If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 20 September 2010
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (40)

Little Emily was complaining t...

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 20 September 2010
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (30)

Dark

Two Rednecks were sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life.

One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way through a fence, with its butt facing the tavern.

One drunk says, "I sure wish that sheep was Marilyn Monroe."

The other says, "I just wish it were dark."

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Yisman

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 20 September 2009
  • Currently 4.22/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (27)

A window salesman phoned a bee...

A window salesman phoned a beekeeper.

"Hello, Mr. Brown," said the sales rep. "I'm calling because our company replaced all the windows in your honey-house with our triple-glazed weather-tight windows over a year ago, and you still haven't sent us a single payment. I know bekeepers haven't much money, but we really need to be paid."

Mr. Brown replied, "But you said they'd pay for THEMSELVES in 12 months."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 20 September 2010
  • Currently 5.60/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (10)

Prison vs. Work

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 20 September 2010
  • Currently 6.33/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (9)

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