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Jokes of the day for Sunday, September the 25th 2011
Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six."
An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table: "It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"
A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear. He says, “What is wrong with me?
The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”
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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, “Quit while you’re ahead?”
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60′s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists — most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration…
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA
NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls
over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains
that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a
and if you don't know the answer, you pay me \$5.00, and vise versa.
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now
says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me \$5.00, and, if I
know the answer, I will pay you \$500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to
this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth
the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls
a \$5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a
with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled,
out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He
into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of
congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and
coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her \$500.00. The blonde
"Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks,
"Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde reaches into her
purse, hands the lawyer \$5.00, and goes back to sleep.
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As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system. "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"
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