Jokes of the day for Thursday, 06 October 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 06 October 2011
  • Currently 9.61/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (88)

Pete Holmes: Uncool in Dreams

I cant seal the deal in my dreams. I hit on women in real life and theyre like, In your dreams. Im like, No. Not even there.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.81/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (31)

Really funny jokes-Pure polar bear

A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?" The dad replies, "Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, your mom is all polar bear, and her parents are all polar bear."
Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I pure polar bear?" She answers, "Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, my parents are all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear."
Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmom...Grandpop...am I all polar bear?" His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie. We're all polar bear, your mother is
all polar bear, your father is all polar bear, and his parents are all polar bear. Why do you ask sweetie?" The baby polar bears replies, "Because I'm f****** freezing!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (4)

Funny video of the day - In Soviet Russia...

In Soviet Russia... - Motorcycle runs on good music - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 2.80/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (10)

Two drunks were in a bar party...

Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir.

When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took them 2 months!

"TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!"

"Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!"
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (3)

We live in an expanding univer...

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.73/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (22)

Funny Photo of the day - Douchebag Parkers: Abandon Ship!

Douchebag Parkers: Abandon Ship! - You need special skils to do this! | Source : This is Photobomb - Photojackers of the World Unite!
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (14)

Dear John Letter

Contributed by Bob Mountcastle

The soldier serving overseas, far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends, all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying:

"Regret cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others.

#joke
Joke | Source: Florida Dude - Welcome To The Beach - new jokes every day
  • Currently 3.67/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (3)

Two drunks were in a bar party...

Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools. They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow. They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir. When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months! "TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!"
"Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!"
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.20/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (5)

Find number abc

If c7c44 - c4ca7 = b017 find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

A woman confided to her girlfr...

A woman confided to her girlfriend, "My ex-husband wants to marry me again."

The friend said, "How flattering."

The woman replied, "Not really. I think he's after the money I married him for."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
  • Currently 5.80/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (5)

Fertilizer...

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"

"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."

#joke
Joke | Source: http://www.pacprod.com/ - Pacific products joke of the day
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (9)

Mommy Mommy 13


Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.
All right, you can take another slice.


Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to empty the compost heap.
Shut up and keep eating.


Mommy, Mommy! I don't like fishing.
Shut up and stop squirming.


Mommy, Mommy! Suzi got run over by a steamroller.
Shut up. I'm in the bathroom, slide her under the door.
[Alt answer] Shut up and get the maple syrup.


"Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."
"No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again."

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 3.77/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (22)

Bad day at the range

A guy is at the driving range having a heck of a day.

Everything thing he tries to hit he tops, balls only going about 20′ and burning worms the whole way. Finally disgusted, he turns to the pro on the range and mutters,” If I don't connect with this one, I'm gonna jump in that lake and drown myself!”

Pro looks at him and says” I don't think you can do it.”

“Why not” He asks.

Pro says “I don't think you can keep your head down that long!”

Source: GolfJokes.com

#joke
Joke | Source: 50Plus.com - For Boomers, Zoomers, 50+ seniors, and Retired People Everywhere, fresh Joke of the day daily
  • Currently 4.91/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (11)

Texas

At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.

After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.

“Say, is this really a healthy place?”

“It sure is,” the man replied.

“When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed.”

“That's wonderful!” said Bill. “How long have you been here?”

“I was born here.”

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 5.70/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (20)

Miracle whip

Q: What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?

A: Miracle Whip.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 23 April 2011
  • Currently 4.79/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (33)

Three old men were sitting aro...

Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."
The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."
Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At around 6:30 am I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 17 November 2009
  • Currently 5.92/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (51)

Warning: Very Bad Pun Inside

A pastor who was badly overworked went to the local medical center and was able to have a clone made. The clone was like the pastor in every respect--except that the clone used extraordinarily foul language. The cloned pastor was exceptionally gifted in many other areas of pastoral work, but finally the complaints about the dirty language were too much.The pastor was not too sure how to get rid of the clone so that it wouldn't look like murder. The best thing, he decided, was to make the clone's death look like an accident. So the pastor lured the clone onto a bridge in the middle of the night and pushed the clone off the bridge.
Unfortunately there was a police officer who happened by at that very moment and arrested the pastor for making an obscene clone fall.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 25 August 2009
  • Currently 3.67/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (6)

Nuns Confessional

Four nuns are standing in line for confession. The first nun goes into the confessional and says bless me father for I have sinned I touched a man’s private parts.

The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"

The nun replies, "My right hand."

The priest tells her to dip her right hand in holy water say 10 hail Mary’s and all will be forgiven.

The second nun goes into the confessional and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned I touched a mans private parts."

The priest asks, "What part of your body did you use?"

The nun replies, "My left hand." The priest tells her to dip her left hand in the holy water say 10 hail Mary’s and all will be forgiven.

Well, this leaves the third and fourth nun standing in line. The fourth nun taps the third nun on the shoulder and asks, "Would you mind if I went first?"

The third nun says, "Sure I don't care, but would mind telling me why?"

The fourth nun replies, "Well, I would like to drink the water before you have to sit in it!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 06 October 2010
  • Currently 6.80/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (25)

Two Old Drunks

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 06 October 2010
  • Currently 7.37/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (19)

Business One-liners 76


Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Indifference is the only sure defense.
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.
Information's pretty thin stuff, unless mixed with experience.
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Inside every small problem is a larger problem struggling to get out.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Is there life before coffee?
It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too good either if you speak when your head is empty.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 06 October 2010
  • Currently 3.27/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (11)

A note from mom...

John, a well-to-do bachelor, invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the meal, Mom couldn't help notice how attractive and shapely the house keeper was, and wondered if there was more going on than meets the eye. John sensing what his mother was thinking said to her "I know what you're thinking, Mom, but I assure you my relationship with the house keeper is purely professional."

A week later, the house keeper told John that ever since his mother's visit a silver gravy ladle has been missing. John sent his mother a note which said, "Mom, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains one has been missing since you were here".

A few days later he receives a note from his mother. "John: I'm not saying you sleep with your house keeper, nor am I saying you're not. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom".

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 06 October 2010
  • Currently 6.89/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (9)

Three desperately ill men met ...

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 06 October 2008
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (8)

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