Jokes of the day for Saturday, 08 October 2011

The Top Ten Differences Betwee...

The Top Ten Differences Between Cats & Dogs:

10. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready.

9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.

8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.Cats might bring you a dead mouse.

6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.

5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.

4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.

3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.

2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes.

1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

In honor of Chuck Norris, all ...

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

The Drummer

Contributed by The Florida Dude

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't even handle that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Really funny jokes-Fish poaching

The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.
"Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.
"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.
"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."
"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish.
I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise.
After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."
"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"
"I can prove it." say Seamus.
So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away.
They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.
Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden.
"Where are your fish?"
"What fish?"

If I were a millionaire

“Take a pencil and paper,” the teacher said, “and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.'”

Everyone but Philip began to write furiously. He just leaned back in his chair and folded his arms.

“What's the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don't you begin?”

“I'm waiting for my secretary,” he replied.

Source: Just Clean Jokes

The barn at Larry and Susan's ...

The barn at Larry and Susan's farm burned down, and Susan called the insurance company. 
Susan: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money." 
Agent: "Wait just a minute, Susan... it doesn't work quite like that. We will determine the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." 
Susan, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

Up For Grabs

Three ministers are talking over lunch and before long find themselves discussing how much of the weekly offering is appropriate to keep and how much to give to the Lord.
The first minister says, "I just draw a line on the floor, put one foot on both sides, and throw the money into the air. Whatever lands on the right side of the line is God's and whatever lands on the left is mine."
The second minister notes that he uses a similar method, but "I use a small coffee table when I throw the money in the air and whatever lands on the table goes to the Lord and whatever lands on the floor is mine."They both contemplate each other's answer and finally turn to the third minister who is sitting there without saying anything. "Well, how do you do it?" asks the first to the third.
"Well, I do as you both do and throw the money into the air, but I figure whatever the Lord wants, he'll grab, and I keep whatever hits the floor."

When a person assists a crimin...

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice.

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.

L.A. Math Test

City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name:____________________
Gang:________________________
1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. If Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing her since she spent his money?
7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up six girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?

Blondes on a plane

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland.

Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".

An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"

Jim Gaffigan: Wish I Was Ethnic

I wish I was ethnic; Im nothing. Cause if youre Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, Hes got a Latin temper. But if youre a white guy and you get angry, people are like, That guys a jerk.

Motherly Lessons

My Mother taught me LOGIC… “If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me.”

My Mother taught me MEDICINE… “If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way.”

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD… “If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!”

My Mother taught me ESP… “Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?”

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE… “What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don't talk back to me!”

My Mother taught me HUMOR… “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT… “If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me about GENETICS… “You are just like your father!”

My mother taught me about my ROOTS… “Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE… “When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION… “Just wait until your father gets home.”

My mother taught me about RECEIVING… “You are going to get it when we get home.”

And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE… “One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like.”

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE… “If you're going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!”

My mother taught me RELIGION… “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL… “If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

My mother taught me LOGIC… “Because I said so, that's why.”

My mother taught me FORESIGHT… “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.

My mother taught me IRONY… “Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about.”

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS… “Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM… “Will you just look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”

My mother taught me about STAMINA… “You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished.”

My mother taught me about WEATHER… “It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY… “If I've told you once, I've told you a million times – Don't Exaggerate!!!”

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE… “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION… “Stop acting like your father!”

My mother taught me about ENVY… “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!”

A chicken and an egg are lying...

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

Amy Schumer: Lights Off

Im so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, hes always turning the lights on, you know what Im saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, hes like, Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body. I was like, Oh my god, youre so cute. You think I dont want you to see me?

The following excerpts are act...

The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday School quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio. They were collected by two teachers over a period of three years. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and, of course, spelling.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds Like he was sort of busy too.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands... Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.

On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long. People got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true.

Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.

At an international medical co...

At an international medical conference, and American, a German and a Russian were discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses.
The American said; “I can’t stand it sometimes, “We treat patients for cancer, and they die of AIDS.” “I know what you mean,” said the German “We treat them for yellow fever; ant it turns out they had malaria.” “We don’t have that problem in our country,” said the Russian doctor. “When we treat patients for a disease, they die of that disease.”

A Scrote?

In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded,

"Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

Did you hear about the fellow ...

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."