1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where in the worldl she is. <p> 2 - The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. <p> 3 - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. <p> 4 - I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. <p> 5 - I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body. <p> 6 - I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. <p> 7 - I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. <p> 8 - The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. <p> 9 - If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country. <p> 10 - I don't jog; it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. <p> and last but not least.... <p> It is well documented that for every mile that you jog..... you add one minute to your life .... This enables you, at 85 years old.... to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
Pepsi GenieIt was a black man.....a hungry, thirsty bum. He was looking for food in a garbage can, when suddenly he finds a can of Pepsi. He opens the can and a magic genie comes out.
"You get three wishes, be very careful and don't spoil them."
"OK, OK," and without hesitation he says, "first I want to be white. Second, I want a lot of girls, naked girls, beautiful girls sitting on my face! And third, I want plenty to drink.... lots of water.
Bam, presto...the Magic Genie turned him into.....a toilet!
Funny video of the day - Funny Baby Face
If Microsoft Built Cars
If Microsoft Built Cars
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. The air bag system would say, "are you sure?" before going off.
9. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
Contributed by Perry Woods
This priest lives in a small town, not only is he a priest he has a farm too. On the farm he has all sorts of animals but his favorite and best animal is a cock rooster. One day the rooster goes missing. He searches everywhere but cant find his beloved rooster anywhere. He decides to announce it at Mass.
During his announcements he asks, "Anyone here got a cock", and all the men stood up.
The Priest says, "I don't mean that, what I mean is has anyone here seen a cock", and all the women stood up.
The Priest says, "no, what I mean is, has anyone here seen my cock" and all the children stood up.
Funny jokes-First accountant
Adam. He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry, lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.
FLEX WORDLEGuess the WORDLE in 3 tries. After each guess, the color of the tiles will change to show how close your guess was to the solution.
It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.
“Please let me in,” says the man desperately. “I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one.”
“Okay,” says the butcher. “Let me see what I have left.” He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.
“That's one is too skinny. What else you got?” says the man.
The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.
“Oh, no,” says the man, “That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!”
Ways To Get Rid Of TelemarketersAn old one, but a good one…
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…” When they get try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.
3. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services…. You: “Hang on a second.” (few seconds pause) “Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?”
5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, “Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my gosh! Judy, how have you BEEN?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
6. Say, “No”, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, “I don't have any friends…would you be my friend?”
8. If they clean rugs: “Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood.
9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional “Uh- huh, really, or “That's fascinating.” Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone that's a complete stranger.
10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: “This is Bill from Watertronics.” You: “Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?” Telemarketer: “Uh, Dallas, Texas.” You: “Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.”
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, “Oh, my goodness!!!” and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allow to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. (This is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers)
The butcher lived in an apartm...The butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night, he was awakened by strange noises coming from below. He tiptoed downstairs and quietly observed that his 19-year-old daughter was sitting on the chopping block and masturbating with a liverwurst.
He sighed and tiptoed back to bed.
The next morning, a customer came in and asked for some liverwurst. The butcher explained that he didn't have any. The customer was annoyed. He pointed and said, "No liverwurst, eh? Well, what's that hanging on the hook right over there?"
The butcher frowned at him and replied, "That, sir, is my son-in-law."
Marriage Quotes 07
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!
Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. -- Rich Little
Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.
Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. -- Oscar Wilde
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
Man and wife make one fool.
Brian Regan: New Baby Greeting CardsThey have a section called, New Baby. I dont think you need the word new. Theyd have to clear up confusion. Do you have an Old Baby section? Cause my friends had a baby, and I let time get away from me, and hes 12.
There was a beautiful young bl...There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke.
As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"
This guy was with a hooker for...This guy was with a hooker for the first time. She took him into her room and asked him what would be his pleasure. Being naive, he asked, "Do you have any suggestions?"
She said, "Would you like French style, Straight, Around the World, or maybe 69?"
He replies, "I'll try one of those 69's."
As they were engaged in a 69, the hooker let out a loud and smelly fart. "Ooohh! Excuse me," she said with a giggle. They proceeded and a few minutes later, she let another stinky, loud fart fly. "Ohhh," she said as she giggled and said, "how do you like it so far?"
He replies, "Well, it feels pretty good, but I'm not sure I can take 67 more!"
A man was walking along a Cali...A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.
He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive my car there?"
The genie laughed , "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete-how much steel! And the maintenance of that bridge! No - think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "I'm married to a redhead. So, I wish that I could understand her... know how she feels inside and what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment...... know what she really wants when she says 'nothing'... know how to make her truly happy......I want to know how she can be so damn sexy one second and be the devils daughter, the next. I really want to understand her and how she thinks!"
The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"
Mike DeStefano: Comedian ResumeI was performing at a comedy club and a guy comes up to me after the show with his card. He says, Hey I saw your show, it was fantastic. Do you have a resume? I said, Does it look like I have a f**king resume? I curse at people who dont have a funny friend to hang out with. Do you want me to put that on a letterhead?
Dead or Alive?
If I could have dinner with anyone dead or alive, I would choose...alive.