Jokes of the day for Monday, 10 October 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 10 October 2011
  • Currently 9.59/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (94)

A man takes his dog to the vet...

A man takes his dog to the vet.

“My dog is crossed eyed, is there anything you can do for him?

“Well,” says the vet, “let’s take a look at him.”

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”

“What? Because he is cross-eyed?”

“No, because he’s really heavy.”
#joke
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 2.43/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (7)

Chuck Norris built a time mach...

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 2.53/10

Rating: 2.5/10 (45)

Funny video of the day - Meanwhile in Russia

Meanwhile in Russia - Always enough place for one more - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 4.75/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (12)

The Perscription

Contributed by Roy MacArthur

The physician writing out a prescription for his hypertensive cardiac patient: �Diazepam 5mg (tranquilizer) TDS".

The patient�s wife asks, "Doctor, when are these medicines to be given?"

Doctor: "These are to be taken by you. He needs rest"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Florida Dude - Welcome To The Beach - new jokes every day
  • Currently 5.20/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (5)

Really funny jokes-No sound

It was Valentine's day and Jim and Danielle's first date.
They sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start.
The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema's concession stand.
Jim and Danielle realised that there was no sound.
The film began but the silence continued.
Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted
'Okay, who's got the remote control?'
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (4)

Funny Photo of the day - Do Not Want

Do Not Want | Source : This is Photobomb - Photojackers of the World Unite!
  • Currently 4.73/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (15)

The Top 15 Thanksgiving-Themed Movies

15. To Kill A Walking Bird

14. My Best Friend's Dressing

13. Thighs Wide Shut

12. The Texas Coleslaw Massacre

11. Casserolablanca

10. The Fabulous Baster Boys

9. 12 Hungry Men

8. Silence of the Yams

7. For Love of The Game Hen

6. I Know What You Ate Last Winter

5. All the President's Menu

4. White Meat Can't Jump

3. When Harry Met Salad

2. The Story of U.S.

and the Number 1 Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed Movie…

1. The Wing and I

Source: Good Clean Fun

#joke #thanksgiving
Joke | Source: everything zoomer - For Boomers, Zoomers, 50+ seniors, and Retired People Everywhere, used to have fresh Joke of the day daily
  • Currently 3.83/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (6)

A man takes his dog to the vet...

A man takes his dog to the vet. “My dog is crossed eyed, is there anything you can do for him? “Well,” says the vet, “let’s take a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he is cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy.”
#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (3)

Calculate the number 6705

NUMBERMANIA: Calculate the number 6705 using numbers [3, 3, 8, 2, 98, 592] and basic arithmetic operations (+, -, *, /). Each of the numbers can be used only once.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

On Exercising

1 - My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where in the worldl she is. <p> 2 - The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. <p> 3 - I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. <p> 4 - I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. <p> 5 - I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body. <p> 6 - I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. <p> 7 - I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. <p> 8 - The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. <p> 9 - If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country. <p> 10 - I don't jog; it makes the ice jump right out of my glass. <p> and last but not least.... <p> It is well documented that for every mile that you jog..... you add one minute to your life .... This enables you, at 85 years old.... to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.40/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (10)

Pepsi Genie

It was a black man.....a hungry, thirsty bum. He was looking for food in a garbage can, when suddenly he finds a can of Pepsi. He opens the can and a magic genie comes out.

"You get three wishes, be very careful and don't spoil them."

"OK, OK," and without hesitation he says, "first I want to be white. Second, I want a lot of girls, naked girls, beautiful girls sitting on my face! And third, I want plenty to drink.... lots of water.

Bam, presto...the Magic Genie turned him into.....a toilet!

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.49/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (51)

Iliza Shlesinger: Season Change

I was in New York last Christmas, its snowing, theres a guy in a t-shirt. Im like, Dude, arent you cold? No, Im from New York, I dont get cold. Just cause youre from a cold place doesnt mean youre genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. Youre not a penguin. I was like, In fact sir, youre Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold.
#joke #christmas
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.23/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (43)

Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers

An old one, but a good one…

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…” When they get try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.

3. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services…. You: “Hang on a second.” (few seconds pause) “Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?”

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, “Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my gosh! Judy, how have you BEEN?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

6. Say, “No”, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, “I don't have any friends…would you be my friend?”

8. If they clean rugs: “Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood.

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional “Uh- huh, really, or “That's fascinating.” Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone that's a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: “This is Bill from Watertronics.” You: “Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?” Telemarketer: “Uh, Dallas, Texas.” You: “Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.”

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, “Oh, my goodness!!!” and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allow to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. (This is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers)

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.94/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (33)

Knock Knock Collection 044


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Datsun!
Datsun who?
Datsun old joke!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dave!
Dave who?
Dave for Night!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dawn!
Dawn who?
Dawn leave me out here in the cold!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Deanna!
Deanna who?
Deanna-mals are restless open the cage!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Deduct!
Deduct who?
Donald Deduct!

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 09 July 2011
  • Currently 3.29/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (31)

Two hikers were walking throug...

Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine. Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and heard nothing.
The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing.
Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole.
The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 21 November 2009
  • Currently 5.13/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (48)

Biblical Puns

Q: What was the secret of Delilah getting into Samson’s house?
A: She picked his locks.
Q: Why didn’t Pharaoh let the Israelites go into the wilderness after the first six plagues?
A: He was in de Nile.
Q: Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
A: He didn’t want to split hairs.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 19 April 2009
  • Currently 3.46/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (28)

There once was pirate captain ...

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt.

After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon.

The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned and said, "Get my brown pants."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 02 August 2008
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

A widower who never paid any a...

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife. The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife. "Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?" "Yes, my husband." "Are you happy?" "Yes, my husband." "Happier than you were with me?" "Yes, my husband." "Then Heaven must be an amazing place!" "I'm not in Heaven, dear."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 10 October 2010
  • Currently 4.59/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (27)

Non-seeing Eye Dog

A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.

First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.

After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

The blind man responded: "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 10 October 2010
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (12)

My Living Will

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 10 October 2010
  • Currently 5.90/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (10)

What happened when the...

What happened when the hyena swallowed an Oxo cube?
He became a laughing stock!
Hilary Rae
How do young wizards and witches correct their homework?
They use a spell-checker.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 10 October 2009
  • Currently 4.40/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (10)

The pharmacist

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the night." We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out after that. And I have a feeling that I'm going to get lucky, so you better give me the 12 pack. The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 10 October 2010
  • Currently 6.25/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (8)

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