Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 18 October 2011
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 18 October 2011|
Hilarious jokes-Started with the iPhoneIt all started with an iPhone...
My son celebrated his 16th birthday in April,
and I bought him an iPhone. He simply loved it.
I celebrated my birthday in May, and I was really pleased to get an ipad from my wife.
My daughter's birthday was in November, so I got her an iPod Touch.
My wife's birthday was celebrated in February, so I got her an iRon.
It was around that time the fights started...
What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.
This inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.
I should be out of the hospital next week!!
Q: What do you call cheese tha...Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours?
A: Nacho cheese!
Funny video of the day - Best Fails Of October Week 2
Dancing The Night Away
Contributed by John Maples
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1963 and Jim had a date with Peggy. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy's mother said as she welcomed Jim in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"
"Iced tea, please," Jim said. Mom brought the iced tea.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" She asked.
" Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
" Uh...really?" Jim replied, with raised eyebrows.
"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"
"Is that so?" asked Jim, incredulous.
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip," Jim said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and hoop skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Jim.
"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. "The damned dance is called the Twist !!
Impatient in court
A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
“What for?!?!?” he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: “Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!”
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: “That's all right. You don't have to pay now.”
The young man replied, “I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words.”
Q: What do you call cheese th...Q: What do you call cheese that's not yours?
A: Nacho cheese!
Calculate the number 2254
From Cana to Your Car
A minister is driving down the road and is stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath, sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and asks, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
The minister replies, "Just water."
The trooper asks, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The minister looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"
A man and a woman were having ...A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Ohh no, My husband just walked in the door."
Old Manold man goes to the doctors to find out wats wrong with his wife, he,s nearly stone deaf and the doctor says to him, your wife has a sufisticated fanny, and if she had a baby it would be a mirricle. the old man says thank you to the doctor and goes home. His wife said well what did he say? He said you have a fishcake up your fanny and if you have a baby it will be a mackeral.
Second HoneymoonThe old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."
"Uh huh," said the old man.
"We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"Uh huh," said the old man.
"And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman.
"That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"
The Butt BiterA few years ago when my girlfriend still lived with her parents, I managed to pull a real lu-lu. I came out of the bathroom at the end of the hall in her parents' home and as I walked past my girlfriend's bedroom I saw her making the bed.
She was kneeling on the bed facing away from me, trying to tuck the sheets under the far side of the mattress. Of course this meant her luscious behind was sticking up and waving invitingly in the air. Well, there's few things I like more than gently sinking my teeth into a girl's nice behind, a habit which my girlfriend had already become familiar with.
So naturally I snuk up behind her behind and bit her butt. Imagine my horror when her mother's incredulous face turns around and looks back at me! She didn't know what the hell I was up to!
Of course I could've died of embarrassment at that moment. I stuttered a few words saying how I thought it was her daughter's butt (I don't think that would necessarily go over too well either!), apologized and got out of there.
The next thing I did was march downstairs and immediately tell her husband what had just happened – I'd much rather he heard it from me than her! Of course he laughed his head off and they all still tease me about it to this day.
And I later found out that my middle-aged mother-in-law was actually kind of thrilled to have someone mistake her butt for that of a 25-year-old.
The Rich Man and His Rolex Watch #joke #humorA rich man opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You rich people are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my goodness...," replied the rich man, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"
A married couple went to the h...A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
Jessi Klein: You Look A Lot Like...This co-worker of mine, who I dont know well at all, comes up to me and goes, Hey Jessi, I dont know if anyones ever told you this before, but you look a lot like Anne Frank. I didnt really know where to put that as a remark. But the worst thing is that my first thought was, Was Anne Frank hot?
three menthere were three men on a cliff and what ever they wished for it would come true. so the first guy jumps off the cliff and wishes he was a bird so he could fly home. The second guy wished he was a dolphin so he could swim home then the last guy tripped over a rock, fell off the cliff and said OH CRAP!!!!!
Introduction to Matzoh Ball Soup
A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors over for holiday dinner. The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, "This is matzoh ball soup."On seeing the two large matzoh balls floating in the broth, the Gentile man was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently the Jewish couple pressed the Gentile man. "Try it; if you don't like it, you don't have to finish it."
Finally he agreed. He dug his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in his spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual "Mmmmmmmmm" sound could be heard coming from deep within his chest, and he quickly finished the whole bowl.
"That was good" the man said. "Can you eat any other parts of the matzoh?"