Jokes of the day for Monday, 24 October 2011

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 24 October 2011
  • Currently 9.55/10

Rating: 9.6/10 (65)

Arj Barker: No Razors in Halloween Candy

Theres no razor in candy. If for no other reason, it doesnt make financial sense. Its not fiscally prudent. How much does a piece of candy cost -- like, a penny and a half? An apples like 15 cents? Anybody here bought a Mach 3 replacement cartridge recently? Theyre so expensive, they dont even keep them on the shelf. You know, you have to ask the people behind the counter. I feel like Im trying to buy enriched plutonium or something.
#joke #halloween
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (28)

Spelling Bee

Contributed by Bonita Browning

Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard.

"Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a "K" in the front?"

After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Florida Dude - Welcome To The Beach - new jokes every day
  • Currently 3.75/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (8)

Funny video of the day - Bikini Girls Fail Compilation

Bikini Girls Fail Compilation - Girls Failing in Sexy Bikinis - link to page video is posted initially.
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (8)

Really funny jokes-Noise abatement

An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York. Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway across the country he was told to turn due South. Knowing that this turn would now throw him further behind schedule he inquired, quite agitated, to the controller for the reason of the turn off course. The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement. The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise problem for pedestrians when I am over 6 miles above the earth!" The controller answered in a calm voice, "Apparently, Captain, you have never heard two 747's collide!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 6.75/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (4)

Q: What do you call a midget f...

Q: What do you call a midget fortuneteller on the run from the law?

A: A small medium at large.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (6)

Funny Photo of the day - Douchebag Parkers: Did You Have To Go RIGHT Behind Me?

Douchebag Parkers: Did You Have To Go RIGHT Behind Me? | Source : That will buff out - funny auto escapade
  • Currently 2.10/10

Rating: 2.1/10 (10)

When Chuck Norris plays Monopo...

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
  • Currently 3.19/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (26)

Picture menu

stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated “Picture Menu Available”.

I had to ask the clerk what it was for and she told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that.

Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and her answer was the classic, “Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?”

Source: Good Clean Fun!

#joke
Joke | Source: 50Plus.com - For Boomers, Zoomers, 50+ seniors, and Retired People Everywhere, fresh Joke of the day daily
  • Currently 5.50/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (4)

Find number abc

If 8b76a - ab021 = c07bb find number abc. Multiple solutions may exist.
CHECK ANSWER
Brain Teasers, puzzles, riddles, mathematical problems, mastermind, cinemania...

Ladies Restroom

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, “May I please speak to your manager?” He says, “Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?” She replies, “I don't know if your the man to talk to…its kind of personal…” Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, “I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss.” She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth…and he begins sucking them, thinking “I'm in!!!” She goes, “Can you give the manager something for me?” The bartender nods…yes. “Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom.”

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

Which dog could breathe underw...

Which dog could breathe underwater? Scuba Do.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.71/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (7)

Q: What do you call a midget f...

Q: What do you call a midget fortuneteller on the run from the law?
A: A small medium at large.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.67/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (3)

These 2 guys decide that they ...

These 2 guys decide that they are going to take a fishing vacation together. They agree that they would go deep-sea fishing in Southern Florida.

They get there and get all settled in, then the next morning they get up early and head for the boat. On the way to the boat, they see this guy sitting alone fishing off of a pier. They go out for 8 hours, and when they come back they see the same guy still fishing at the same spot.

The next morning on the way to the boat, they see the same guy at the same spot fishing. Again, they go out for 8 hours and when the get back they see the same guy at the same spot still fishing.

Same thing happens the next day. When they get back to the hotel after their third and last day of fishing, they decide that since they don't have to get up in the morning, they would go to a local bar.

When the get to the bar, they see the same guy from the pier sitting at the bar by himself drinking a beer. Well, they decide that they are going to sit by this guy. They sit there, and each has a beer. Then one guy asks him "Are you here on a fishing vacation too? We see you every morning at the pier."

The guy replies "No, I'm here on my honeymoon."

One guy says "Honeymoon!? Don't you think you should be with your bride making love instead of here drinking?"

They guy replies "No, she's got gonorrhea!"

One guy says "Well, you could at least be alone with her, cuddling or SOMETHING!"

The guy says "No, she's got diarrhea too!"

One guy then says "Man, have you even kissed her yet?"

He says "No, she's got pyorrhea too!"

One guy then says "Gonorrhea, diarrhea, pyorrhea! Man, if don't mind me asking, why on earth did you marry her?"

The guy says "Well, she's got worms too, and you know how I love to fish!"
#joke #beer
Joke | Source: Joke rating machine - Jokes in categories, joke of the day by categories
  • Currently 4.13/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (8)

A bit apprehensive...

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School.He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation.

"Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.

He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."

I asked, "What's the difference?"

He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.71/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (7)

Damn he can drive!

This guy is on the street corner spitting and cussing.

A little old lady goes and gets a cop, telling him there is a guy spitting and cussing.

Sure enough when the cop come up to the guy he spits and says, "Damn, that guy can drive a car."

The cop tells him to stop spitting and cussing. And then asks him what the problem is.

The man again spits and says, "Damn, that guy can drive a car."

The cops again tells him not to spit and cuss and asks him what the problem is.

The man replies, "I was thumbing a ride when this guy stops and picked me up. He takes off at 100 miles an hour, and I am scared to death.

"As we entered town the guy slows down to about 60 miles per hour and skids into a alley where again he picks up speed.

"Right in front of us are two 18 wheelers parked on either side of the alley with only 4 feet between them.

"I screamed out 'We are going to die!'

"Then right before we were going to crash I looked over and told the guy, 'If you get us out of this I will suck your dick!'"

Again he spits and tells the cop, "Damn, that guy can drive a car."

Submitted by Greg

Edited by The whole team

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.54/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (26)

Answering Machine Message 252


A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 07 March 2011
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (22)

A police officer pulls over th...

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 05 December 2009
  • Currently 5.92/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (48)

The End Is Near!

A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car. One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 November 2009
  • Currently 5.35/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (31)

One night, a man on his way...

One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a street light. The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist. The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his watch. After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped. "About a half a block up the street," the drunk said. "Why, pray tell," the man asked the drunk, "are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?" The drunk replied, "The light is a lot better here."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 24 October 2009
  • Currently 5.80/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (40)

A man with no arms and no legs...

A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun.

All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?"

The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth.

A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says.

He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away. A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry
smile on her face and looks down at him.

"Mister," she says, "have you ever been fucked?"

"No," he says with a hopeful grin.

"Well, you are now, The tide's coming in."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 24 October 2008
  • Currently 5.07/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (29)

Business one-liners 47

There are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity.

There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.

There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.

There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword.

There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.

There is a right way, a wrong way, and my way to do everything.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

There is always one more bug.

There is always one more idiot than you counted on.

There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.

There is nothing so habit-forming as money.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 24 October 2010
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (10)

Dwayne Perkins: Awakened in a Hotel Lobby

I was like, Damn, do I look homeless? But then I thought about it, and you know what? It could have been my first day of homelessness. You see, because on your first day of homelessness, you dont look that homeless. You dont stink yet, your hairs not matted down, you dont have the imaginary friend -- its day one.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 24 October 2010
  • Currently 2.90/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (10)

Chastity Belt

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."

So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. "What's wrong," he asks.

"You gave me the wrong key!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 24 October 2008
  • Currently 4.86/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (7)

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